Growing up, I was quite shy. Those that know me now might laugh a little at that statement. But, trust me. I truly was very shy. Allow me to paint a picture for you…
I was the teacher’s pet. I was the spelling bee winner. I was the friend that the other parent’s didn’t mind their children having around. I kept my room clean. I seldom got in trouble. I was the sibling that received maybe one spanking for every 50 my brother and sister got. I was the one always prepared. I memorized all my scripture verses for Sunday School. I had friends from all circles – poor, rich, popular, geeky, known, unknown, smart, not quite as smart…you get the picture? It was nothing I did. I was just wired that way. And…possibly being a bit timid and afraid of getting in trouble didn’t hurt. This was me…
In high school, my timidity started to drift a bit. I actually got a bit of a backbone, and nothing unnerved me more than seeing others picked on. I developed a bit of a “voice” and didn’t mind speaking truth – when it needed to be spoken. But, I was still nothing like THOSE girls. The ones that I could be their friend in front of them but couldn’t stand who they were internally. They only cared about the material. They judged other teens on what type of house they lived in, what type of cars their parents drove, and what type of clothing they wore. They were two-faced. As I mentioned previously, I had friends in all circles – including this one.
The more vocal and less shy I became, ironically, the more fleshly and false I grew to be. I found myself being one person when in this circle and somebody completely different in another. I found that while I still didn’t do anything really bad…my mouth became a weapon. I wound up gossipping one day about a friend to another “friend”. And…my words got back to my friend. As surely as I sit here today, I can still hear the words that she spoke to me when she learned I had been talking about her behind her back, “Leah, I thought you were different. I now see you’re like all the others.”
Ouch. I became THAT girl…
Those words wounded me, and they needed to. I’ll never forget them as long as I live. I wanted to scream, “Nooooooo…that’s not who I am!” But, it was too late. I was a fake.
This incident vividly came back to my mind today. I’m praying with all sincerity for God to bring me to a place of true authenticity. I don’t want to ever pretend to be somebody I’m not or to feel something I don’t. I desire authenticity in my relationship with Him above all. I’ve prayed for Him to reveal any element of falseness within me and continue refining me through the Refiner’s fire! Sometimes, this is tough to go through. But…oh so very necessary! I long to be His girl. I don’t ever want to go back to being THAT girl.
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