Today marks the 40th day of my grief journey…my walk through a difficult desert. May 3 was the day my beloved Chris went to be with the Lord. May 4 is the day he was “declared dead”, because his body was found that day. May 4 is the day that his death certificate and his grave marker declare as his death date. But, May 3…will always be the day I know he entered the land of the living…our true home…our forever home. And…May 3 is when I began the most arduous walk I’ve ever endured…through a dry and dusty desert, and I find myself parched and searching for an oasis most of the time.
Biblically speaking, whenever God uses the number 40…something transformational always takes place. I’ve actually blogged about this fact before, so I won’t repeat it here, but I challenge you to study some of those examples yourself…
Noah – 40 days & nights of rain
The Israelites – 40 years of wandering in the desert
Moses – 40 days on the mountain with God
Jesus – 40 days of fasting in the wilderness
Ninevah – a warning of 40 days until their city was overthrown – repentance followed
For me, I guess I’ve been more like a desert wandering Israelite these last 40 days. I’m still looking back to see what transformation has taken place in me these last 40 days. I’ve had days of questioning, days of complaining, days of deep worship, days of obedience, and many days of wondering when I’ll get to my Promised Land! I’ve had such sweet fellowship with my Lord during these 40 days, because I’ve been clinging to Him like He’s all I have…and, honestly He is. Nothing else is sure in this world but Him! But, I’ve also had many, many days of deep, deep sorrow…like today. So, here I am…day 40…and, I ask, “God what transformation has taken place in me this time?” I don’t feel like I’ve come very far. Oh, how I ache to feel my husband once again. Oh, I crave his touch. I long for his hand in mind. And…my throat has lumps in it all over again. The tears continue to pour. And, I continue to look for something…anything…that resembles transformation.
I continue walking…wandering…and, I begin a new 40 days. Interestingly, I see an oasis in my future, as I’ll be at She Speaks 40 days from today. Maybe I’ll finally get a refreshing drink of water then, as I’m surrounded by hundreds of sisters. Maybe then I’ll see a glimpse of something transformational. But, if not…I’ll continue walking…wandering…and waiting with 40 day anticipation!
The desert can be a lonely place, I know. Maybe you could pretend that sandy desert is really the sand of the beach! I know, if you're like me, that doesn't really help. Hang in there, Leah. The wilderness is where God gets us alone so He can have us all to Himself for awhile.
You are transforming Leah! I think everyone sees it in you though it may be difficult for you to see right now. I also believe you are a doorway the Lord is using to transform others. What a testament you are to others! You still have a wonderful family both blood and in Christ that are praying for you each and every day. I love you so much!
Great post, Leah. I think that everyday you choose to cling to Him through these days then you are transforming. You just can't see it right now. Can't wait to meet you in 40 days!!
When my mom died in January, I thought I would never hear my dad laugh again. This weekend, his laugh was back, he was smiling and sharing stories. Granted there were tears too, but I loved hearing him laugh again. Praying that peace and comfort surround you and that you get to laugh some.
I will look forward to seeing you in 40 days! (well, 39 now!)
You are in my prayers!
I just came across your blog and am deeply moved. I've gone back and read the last several posts. I am so sorry for your loss and yet deeply moved by your writing, it's beautiful and real and raw and has left me with tears. Yes, tears of sadness and yet, also tears in seeing how you are leaning on the Lord and how He is there for you, whispering to you and giving you gifts at just the right moment. He is so awesome! Thank you for sharing from your heart.
I still regularly pray for comfort for you. Just thank you for sharing your heart so openly here.
My heart is hurting for you. My head is bowed for you. My eyes see God working in you. Courage, sweet Leah…
Wendi (@mymuddyshoes)
P.S. See you at P31!!!!