It was just a small hole. About the size of the eye of a needle, perhaps smaller. And yet…when I laid my eyes upon it for the first time…I cried, well sobbed actually. I was simply going about the busy-ness of my day, doing my “normal” things, which typically includes making my bed. It was then, I saw it. The miniature hole in my sheets, and the tears began to flow.
No. Holes in sheets don’t normally make me cry. They’re just sheets. Sheets wear out over time. But, these aren’t just any sheets. These are the sheets that I slept under with my husband on his last night on this earth. While I have other sheets, they are the ones that I find I keep washing and remaking my bed with, because they are so near and dear to me. I even accidentally got bleach on the pillowcases, but I didn’t care. I continued putting them on my bed, and I still sleep in them every single night.
I tried to sleep in other sheets for awhile, but I went right back to these, and it’s been that way ever since. But, then I saw the hole. While it’s very small now, it will grow. It’s a sign of the wear and tear taking its toll on these sheets. Eventually, I’ll have to throw them away. How long do I left with my sheets? Who knows? And…that’s not really the point anyway. For me, it’s just another piece of my life with Chris drifting away (or as I really feel, if truth be told – being “stolen” from me – but, that’s another blog post).
I know it’s just a hole in my sheets, but today I’m very sad about it. A bit on the distraught side actually. You may be thinking, “all because of a silly little HOLE??” Yes – all because of a silly stinkin’ hole! I guess I’m just trying to hang onto the last bits and pieces of him that I have left.
And so…today…I shed many tears over a miniscule hole. And the grief continues…
Awwww….nothing is too small on the Grief Journey….love you…always praying for you!!!!
Sweet Leah,
I get it. Completely. We lost our daughter 12 years ago when she was 17. I remember even saving gum wrappers I found in her jeans pockets…I still haven't really changed her room from when she was here, other than to clean and neaten it.
Unhealthy? I'm sure some would say so, but each of us travels this journey of grief differently.
The anniversary of her death is this upcoming week…Feb.3rd. I've been doing a lot of remembering lately, lots of tears, but they are healing.
I look forward to the day when I will see her again, and I will treasure every joy while I wait. Grief does that, it heightens the joys we have.
Praying for you.
Carol
I know you're praying, and I cherish that and cherish YOU! Love you lady!
Carol – what precious words you shared. I'm so sorry that you have another "anniversary" to go through this week. I will be praying for you. But, each anniversary we pass brings us one day closer to our heavenly reunion! I long for that day!
Sweet friend, it makes perfect sense! I can't wait until you get your quilt — being able to wrap up in his clothes will be such a wonderful gift for you to feel him near! *hugs*
I know these sheets will not get thrown away, but will be with you always, in one form or another. Enjoy them, snuggle in them, sweep your fingertips over them, rub them with your hands & cheeks. Wipe your tears with them. Sweet dreams of Chris in them. :~)
Thanks Amber! I agree – the quilt will bring a sweet closeness to Chris that I haven't felt in awhile.
Thanks for these beautiful words friend! They have definitely absorbed many, many tears.
Leah, I can so relate to your post today! I have a hairbrush with Buck's hair still in it and a pair of holey socks that I just can't part with, among many other things. I fully understand your emotional response to the discovery of "the hole".
Please tell us about the quilt that you and Amber spoke of. Will it be made from Chris' garments?
I always look forward to and enjoy your entries. They always bless me! Thank you for sharing your life and your precious heart with us!
Renee – Yes, the quilt is being made from Chris’ clothes by a sweet friend. You can actually read more about that here: http://stitchedtogether-boutcrazy.blogspot.com/2012/01/memory-quilt.html
Thanks so much for your sweet comments. That means more to me than you can imagine (or then again…maybe you can). 🙂
…it's the "little things" sweet sister, it's the little things. That's what I've been telling people who ask how I'm doing – the things and times I LEAST expect it is when the grief hits . . . I'm so thankful that you (we) have this avenue called the internet to meet and mingle and find out that we're all "normal" in our own way and NOBODY's Grief Journey is the same as someone else's. Praying for you this week ♥