I walk into the room, this marking the fourth week in this part of the journey. I feel strong. I feel a bit of happiness. I’m over the “funk” I’ve been in for a few days. Maybe this will be the night that I don’t need the Kleenex box sitting beside me for comfort. I’m not even feeling a single sign of tears in my future for the evening.
We greet each other. Lots of silence in the room. All ladies this go-around, and the silence simply represents a deep {sigh}. A much needed {sigh} from the rigors of the day. Rigors? Always rigors. Could be work, appointments, decision making, or processing this new life without our beloved.
Then comes laughter. Our facilitators always have a way of giving us the gift of laughter for a even a few moments. Relief…sweet relief. Laughter truly is good “medicine”.
We open with prayer, and then the DVD begins. This particular week’s topic…”When Your Spouse Dies”. Ugh!
Let me note that GriefShare is not just for widows or widowers. It’s a great tool/support for anyone grieving the loss of a loved one. So, this particular week was apparently…just…for…me (and the other widows in the room, of course).
I’m still stoic. I’m still strong until the woman beside me “loses it” within the first 3 minutes of the video. Today marks the 1st anniversary of the tragic loss of her young husband (to a heart attack). I feel my tears starting to pour simply in empathy for her.
However, I make it through the video with few tears. I did it! Thank you Lord! I needed a reprieve from the hard grief work that I’m continually doing. But, I was a bit premature in my celebrations…our sharing begins…
Nobody wants to speak first, but talking is where healing takes place. One of our patient facilitators begins with a question for us to ponder (and hopefully answer): What do you fear most about this grief journey? Nobody answers. Silence. I don’t like silence. So, I feel compelled to answer…
“Loneliness” I respond. I go on to share that I fear the loneliness that has already crept in and the loneliness yet to come. I’ve always been so independent, and yet now I find myself almost in a state of co-dependency. As soon as those very words come out of my mouth, the Lord whispers to my heart…
“Daughter, that’s because I want you to be dependent on ME.”
I’m trying Lord. I’m trying so hard to “be still” (as a dear friend tenderly told me just this week that I need to spend more time doing).
The ice must have been broken with my “loneliness” response, and then the discussion continued non-stop until time to leave. It’s more than “discussion”…it’s true sharing actually. We were sharing our journeys of grief with one another. Participating in this GriefShare class is probably one of the toughest things I’ve done on my journey to date. I know I’ve said it before, grief…work…is…hard! I started this class last semester and “dropped out” after just one session. I simply wasn’t ready. But, this time…I knew God told me to return. I’m so glad I did!
It’s not easy, friends. I walk out with a headache most weeks. I leave with little makeup left on my face, as the tears sweep it away. But, I walk out one step further in my healing. I walk out feeling like I may have helped another, even as I’m being helped, as I hear the words with a hug from another participant, “Thank you for your words. You are an inspiration to me.”
Me? An inspiration? I feel like I simply share and cry with the rest of them. If that’s the case…then, we’re ALL an inspiration to each other. Because if nobody shared…our healing might be stalled.
As I leave, the “strong” Leah that walked in is much stronger, but a different kind of strong. The tears I didn’t want to cry actually brought renewed strength. The “happy persona” I wanted to maintain was replaced with a woman, not necessarily happy, but filled with the joy of the Lord. And…through it all…I’m stronger for sharing my grief with these other precious, grieving women.
I encourage you to recommend GriefShare to someone you love that might benefit from this program, or if you are that person…please give it a try. If you click on the picture or any of the GriefShare (blue) links in this post…it will take you to the GriefShare website.
One other note…if you’ve been voting for me this week in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Moms with Inspiring Families blog contest…THANK YOU so much! I hate asking for votes…I really, really do. But, I believe so strongly in the fact that God has given me this story to tell on at least this platform in hopes that my journey might help bring healing and hope to another. That said, if you haven’t voted yet…here’s how it works…click on the pink button in the panel to the right that says “Circle of Moms”. Scroll down until you see my blog “Out of Deep Waters” and click VOTE. Simple as pie. You can vote once every 24 hours.
Continually In His Grip…
I know what you are talking about, Leah. I did 4/11 week Widow’s Walk groups and after each session I felt wrung out. I also didn’t sleep well that night. Grief IS tremendously HARD work, but work that a widow MUST be intentional about doing.
Candy – I’m so thankful to be able to follow in your footsteps in this journey. You’ve taught me so much already! Thank you dear friend!
I live in a REALLY small rural community, I don’t even think we HAVE anything like this . . . BUT, I do receive the Grief Share daily e-mails, and I connect with you and others . . . it’s hard though, I don’t have people nearby who “get me” and as I re-read this post today, I wanted to shout YES, YES . . . it’s the loneliness, that I dread the most too, it’s the loneliness that hits me the most . . . I’m SO SORRY that you have to feel it too, Leah, but I’m so thankful to know that I’m not alone, I recently blogged that when someone asked what I missed the “most”, that was pretty much my answer, the being “alone”, the loneliness, the no longer being somebody’s PRIORITY. I’m so glad for the reassurance that I’m HIS priority as are you and Candy, and all of my other “friends” who have come alongside me and are walking this journey with me. Love you!
Thanks sweet Sheila! YES…He is your Sustainer and will find ways (even through social media and blogs) to hook you up with just the people you need friend! I’m so glad He crossed our paths in this life we now share on earth! Love you back! 🙂
I can identify with you Sheila about the loneliness. Life is so lonely since my husband took his life 17 months ago and left me with 4 children. No one understands this loneliness except those who have experienced it. I too get the GriefShare emails and find them encouraging and comforting. Often its just what I need. God is doing a new work in me, slowly. But its painful and some days so hard
Karen – I’m so glad to read that you’re also getting the GriefShare emails! Another tool for us as we travel this difficult Grief Road. Keep allowing God to do that new and incredible work in you!