Sitting on a Stone

After almost 10 months of walking Grief Road, I’m finally aware of the tidal waves. Not so much when to expect them but aware that they WILL come. Sometimes, I can sense their arrival ahead of time. Often, I have my back to them and simply get slammed and knocked down by them before I even know what’s happening. But, they DO come. When will they stop? Honestly, I wish I knew, but that’s something that only God Himself knows. They ARE painful. They ARE debilitating at times. They ARE crushing. But…they ARE part of the grieving process. And…to skirt the process is damaging and even hindering to overall healing.

But, then there are other attacks…can’t blame these on the “tidal waves” of grief. Sometimes, they are harder to distinguish, and so I just chalk them up to grief itself. These are more vicious. These can be much more debilitating than the tidal waves. These are attacks that come straight from the Enemy camp.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion lion looking for someone to devour. ~1 Peter 5:8

I noticed the attacks from the enemy start to ramp up again as my healing seemed to be more evident (especially to me). At first, I had a pity party and simply cried out, “Can I not just get a break?” But, when I realized that this was of the enemy…I knew…a break would never come. Satan wants to destroy me.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. ~John 10:10a

Generally, I’m able to recognize it, pray, rebuke him, and do an about-face and return to where I left off. Sometimes, I have to call in some additional troops (my prayer warriors) to aide me in the battle. But, I know Who wins in the end…and the devil knows I know that too. That’s why he hates me all the more.

This past weekend, I said “yes” to something God has been calling me to do for awhile. Something I thought might be impossible now, in my new “state” of widowhood. But, even so, nothing is impossible with God. I’ll share more about this later. Even so, this “yes” made the enemy furious.

And…so the attacks were revved up against me.

He has attacked my self-image, my view on love, my ability to believe I can be useful for the Kingdom or anything else for that matter, my thoughts, my body, my emotions, and the list goes on. At first, I thought it was another tidal wave, but I soon realized this was deeper and darker than that. This was far more painful and with little explanation as to the “why”. Even with tidal waves, I always knew the underlying “why” – GRIEF! These attacks were simply different than that, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Until…God clearly showed me the what and the why. My “yes” to Him last weekend.

WOW. All this from that? Apparently so.

You would think that I would be able to just stand up, brush the dust off my pants, and say “thank you for that revelation, Father” and move on. Hasn’t happened. While I may have the knowledge of the “why”, the effects of these recent attacks are still evident. So much so, that I’m relying on my own Aaron and Hur (countless friends) to hold up my hands as the battle rages on…

⁹ Moses said to Joshua, “Choose some of our men and go out to fight the Amalekites. Tomorrow I will stand on top of the hill with the staff of God in my hands.”

 ¹⁰ So Joshua fought the Amalekites as Moses had ordered, and Moses, Aaron and Hur went to the top of the hill. ¹¹ As long as Moses held up his hands, the Israelites were winning, but whenever he lowered his hands, the Amalekites were winning. ¹² When Moses’ hands grew tired, they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it. Aaron and Hur held his hands up—one on one side, one on the other—so that his hands remained steady till sunset. ¹³ So Joshua overcame the Amalekite army with the sword. ~Exodus 17:9-13

Eventually, this current battle will end, but for now…I’m still sitting on a stone.