I sit here typing these words completely EXHAUSTED.
No energy. Little desire. Brain drained. How’s that for some good news and encouragement?
I so badly wish I could bring you a post full of joy and wisdom. But, I simply don’t have it today. But, I can promise you that I’ll bring you a post reflecting an authentic me. I hope you don’t mind a little truth…transparency. Because, here it comes…
In trying to figure to figure out how I got to this emotional/physical place, I discovered several things I’ve been doing…
- Staying up way too late
- Eating the wrong foods (i.e. not cooking healthy meals at home)
- Playing mindless games on the computer
- Procrastinating with everything
- Forgetting important details
- Stressing over the fact that I’ve gained some weight
- Eating/drinking too much sugar
So why in the world am I doing these things you might ask?
- I’m staying up too late, because I’m not getting anything worthwhile done in the early evening hours.
- I’m not cooking healthy meals at home, because I can’t think through processing a grocery list, making menus, and cooking.
- I’m playing mindless games on the computer, because it’s just that…mindless.
- I’m procrastinating with everything, because I don’t want to deal with it now.
- I’m forgetting important details, because I’ve lost complete control over my organized personal life. Somehow I’m staying organized at work, but my personal life…that’s another story.
- I’m stressing over the fact that I’ve gained some weight, because I look terrible and feel miserable but have no energy to do anything about it.
- I’m eating and drinking too much sugar, because it makes me feel good – temporarily – until I step on the scale.
There you have it friends. That’s where I am in my grief journey. Not a great or healthy place to be. And, I think I’ve finally hit a brick wall. I’m at the place where I can’t take this vicious cycle anymore and yet I’m too exhausted to figure it out.
BUT…I’m drawing a line in the sand…RIGHT NOW.
It is written… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” ~Matthew 11:28
My name – Leah – actually means “weary”. Go figure.
But, here I am sweet Lord, seeking the rest that You promise to give me as I come to You. I trust You – only You. Help me to become the woman You’ve crafted me to be. Allow me to reflect You in all Your glory! Heal me. Teach me. Change me. Mold me. Shape me more into Your likeness. I LONG to be more like You! Forgive me Lord for being anything less than what You’ve created me to be.
holly smith says
I understand, Leah…and get this. Praying for and with you.
Love,
Holly who is sitting in the garage on the car for five minutes of sanity. 🙂 it has been a hard afternoon. But I keep telling God I trust Him. Even when … Life happens like so much throw up all over you (me).
leahgillen says
Thank you Holly. And just for the record…the visual of you sitting on the car in the garage for a few minutes of sanity gave me a chuckle. I SOOOO get that! May your sanity return quickly! 🙂
Cindy says
Oh Sweet Leah, how I can So relate. I could have written the same words just months ago! You have been a shining example of Godliness and faith as you have walked this grief road. Remember through, you are Still walking the grief road and what you are experiencing is normal and acceptable. You are doing well and you will begin to see these cycles gradually get better as you move forward! I love you friend and am praying for you!!!
leahgillen says
Thank you for such sweet and encouraging words my friend! You are a treasure, and I’m so thankful to be following behind you on Grief Road.
Beth E says
Leah,
I admire you so much for your willingness to share your journey. This post will definitely encourage others who are going through similar situations. I know it has blessed and encouraged ME.
Praying for God to give you sweet rest this evening. Praying, too, for His love, joy, and peace to fill your heart. May you feel refreshed and renewed each day, for His mercies are new every morning!
Big hugs,
Beth
leahgillen says
Beth – You are such a sweetie! Thank you for the prayers for rest. I’ll be heading that way soon, if I can just quiet my mind. My body is exhausted, but my mind won’t stop. Thank you for being such an encourager.
Kimberly says
Hi, Leah. Though for very different reasons, I can certainly relate to this post. I was mentally saying “check” as I was reading your list. Mindless games? Check. Eating too much sugar? check. Procrastinating? Check. Weight gain? Check.
Sometimes you just gotta say “no more”. Praying for you that God would gently guide and lead you to lie down in the green pastures, beside the still waters…and restore your soul.
Love the new blog look, by the way!
leahgillen says
Yes – Kimberly, I’m at that “no more” place, I do believe. I’m praying for those green pastures and still waters myself. Thank you for joining me in that prayer! Thanks for the sweet comments about the new site. Had some help with that from some talented friends! 🙂
LeeBird says
Lord,
Grief is exhausting and distracting. I think my precious friend needs You to carry her for a while. She’s worn slap out. Please love on her in extra sweet and healing ways this week. Lift her out of this funk she’s in. Settle her spirit and steady her mind. Give her the motivation she needs to take good care of her body through rest, nutrition, and exercise. Give her the grace to let the little things go and to give the important stuff her best. I pray she and her sweet girl will have many reasons to laugh and smile. Surround them with people who will love them in just the way they need.
Thank you for blessing my life with such an amazing, lovely sister-in-Christ.
In Jesus’ Name I pray, AMEN
leahgillen says
Amen! I never tire of reading your prayers, Lee. They are beautiful! Thank you for offering up one on my behalf tonight!
Candy says
Leah,
You are becoming what my christian psychologist calls an “intentional widow”. That means you are ready to turn around, embrace your grief, and begin to take some more steps in moving forward even if it’s at a snail’s pace. This is good and you are to be commended for being transparent.
I think it’s harder for widows with children. They feel the need to focus on helping them through it before they deal with their own grief. I’m sure that’s what you are doing with Anna.
I, too, understand so many of the things that you listed. I know you want not only yourself but Anna to be taking care of her body as well. This is something that you girls could work on together. Maybe you could write out a contract and both of you sign it making you accountable to each other for what you are eating and drinking.
Reader love posts where the writer is real and honest with what is going on in her life. Good for you!
leahgillen says
Thank you Candy! You offer wise words and good advice. I appreciate learning about the things that you have discovered along your own widow’s walk. You are a blessing!
Eileen says
A very real post, Leah. Sometimes I think God allows us to hit those brick walls so that will stop, turn around, and run back to his arms. It’s the only place for true rest.
leahgillen says
You’re right on Eileen! I wish I didn’t have to slam into so many brick walls for Him to get my attention, but I’m still a work in progress. 🙂
Carrie Adams :~) says
Yes, Leah, you are in a cruddy place. But, you face your cruddy places with grace, always pointing to Him. And, that’s where He wants you…pointing to Him in your cruddy place. He is there for you & WILL restore you to a better place!!! Yay!! :~)
leahgillen says
Carrie – I love how you always have a unique perspective from an outsider looking in. I value your opinions and wisdom greatly! And…I am counting on that restoration…can’t wait for that time to arrive!
Jan says
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you, Leah, since I first read this yesterday. I, too, found myself exhausted and “sinking”, more than I was “bobbing” in the ocean of grief right after Christmas (about that 9-1/2 month mark). It was the first time I realized I was in a very dark place and was no longer holding on to anything … I was losing touch and control and I knew it. I finally reached out to one special friend and shared where I was at. I value her godly wisdom greatly. She advised me to see my doctor, and to get some counseling. I took the step of seeing the doctor first. After a quick check-up, she doubled my anti-depressant, told me to make an appointment for a complete physical, and also advised me to see a counselor. I have been avoiding that second step – the counselor – as I felt that the Holy Spirit was my comforter and counselor and that no human counselor could offer something that He couldn’t. But a week or so after increasing my medication, I had a true “panic attack” and realized that I needed to talk to someone who could help me sort out what was true and what wasn’t, and who could help me order my priorities and find a plan of action. I sought direction from trusted advisers in my church, and made an appointment at a Christian Counseling group. That was about a month ago. Three weeks after the medication change, I realized that I felt SO much better! I could again think clearly, I had energy and motivation to do things – move ahead, I was less anxious, more hopeful … I want you to know that I am not a big advocate of medication – as a matter of fact, I am personally highly motivated to avoid it if I can – but I have been on a anti-depressant / anti-anxiety medication since I found out that Tom had brain cancer. At this point, I think the counseling was a stop-gap measure, and I am ready to either discontinue it or find someone who has a more helpful perspective than the person I’ve been seeing; but I think the medication has helped me significantly! I’m sharing all this with you, transparently, to encourage you – at this point – to allow yourself to get whatever help you need. I think we, as Christian widows do feel like we have to be a “strong witness for the Lord” and that that means not having to say “I need help”. It’s not true … God is strongest in our weakness … He’ll use whatever vehicle you commit to Him! Loving you!
leahgillen says
Jan – I so appreciate your transparent comment. You are an amazing lady, and I’ve been watching you walk Grief Rd as well. I’m so thankful that your godly friend helped point you in the right direction. I’ve taken a few action steps of my own, and I appreciate the reminder that God is strongest when we’re weakest! Love you!
Renee' says
I completely agree with Jan’s message in every detail. I too, needed to benefit from medication to help get me to a more balanced place. I’m sure I would have suffered a lot more without it. It helped me to better function and I was so thankful for it. It was a blessing! The Lord also let me know when it was time to let it go and trust Him completely with my recovery.
All of us can so relate to this post…been there, done that…still doing that! But, we have One, Who comes alongside and wants to help. We will get through this, Leah, because of the Lord’s Presence and Faithfulness, and we will be stronger and grow closer to our heavenly husband as a result. I’m so thankful that all this pain has a purpose.
God has brought some beautiful women into my life on this “grief road”, and you of course are one of them! I’m glad we can hold hands on this rugged journey. It makes it feel more doable, doesn’t it?
leahgillen says
Yes, Renee, it does “feel more doable” knowing that we’re not taking this journey alone. As painful as entering “Widowland” has been, and I would give anything to have my husband back in my arms, I also can’t imagine my life without all of my new widow friends. God has blessed me indeed through all of the “cyber” connections I’ve made with some precious women (you, of course, being one of them). Thank you for being such an encourager!
Casey says
I love your honesty!
I found this post when Jewely Bug linked up for Lots of Link Love with me this week. I hope you’ll consider checking it out, and maybe even link up with my for the next Lots of Link Love on February 25th!
http://jewelybug.blogspot.com/2012/02/lots-of-link-love.html
leahgillen says
Thanks Casey! And…thanks for sharing about Lots of Link Love! What a great idea!!!