I Choose to Remember

It’s here…the week, the days I’ve been dreading since my nightmare first began a year ago. This week represents the one-year anniversary of the most tragic event I’ve ever endured…my husband’s suicide. While his death certificate reflects May 4th as his date of death (and for all intensive purposes that’s the one I observe “officially”), May 3rd is when Chris went Home to be with Jesus.

May 3^rd – the day my two-day nightmare began taking shape.

May 3^rd – a day I wanted to forget for so long. The day my husband went “missing” only to later be discovered dead – by his own hand – the very next day.

May 3^rd – the day I spent hours in a local police department answering questions no wife should ever have to endure about her husband.

May 3^rd – the night I drove all over town looking for his truck, for him…anywhere & everywhere.

May 3^rd – the last time I heard his voice…the last time he kissed me…the last time he told me he loved me.

May 3^rd – the day God began to shower me with His love by sending me droves of friends, loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers (from near and far) to comfort me and love on me in the days to come.

May 3^rd – a day I wanted to forget, but a day I choose to remember.

Why would I choose to remember such heartache and pain? Why do I want to remember those horrific hours all over again? Why do I want to experience even an ounce of that old pain anymore?

BECAUSE…God has been so good to me and has brought me so far, and it’s in choosing to remember that I see His healing hand on me, and His life-giving miracles so clearly!

So many have asked me…where am I now? What is God doing in my life? How is my grief work coming along? I’ll answer some of those questions today, but I have even more to share in tomorrow’s post, so be sure to stop back by for that update.

To really examine where I’m at now…I need to remember where I was a year ago (and in the months that soon followed)…

Last year: I was…broken, shattered, confused, scared, shocked, emotionally drained, not hopeless (but hope “reduced”), angry, overcome with sadness, overwhelmed, in lots of pain, lived minute-by-minute followed by hour-by-hour (that’s all I could handle at the time), felt very alone (even surrounded by so many), exhausted, reduced of energy, and so very hurt.

This year: I am…joy-filled, hope-filled, no longer angry, no longer consumed with sadness, emotionally sound, re-energized, full of courage, still exhausted (but not because of grief), more in love with God than ever before, living each day to the fullest, and in essence…my broken heart has been HEALED!

While I’ll never forget that horrific couple of days last year, I choose to remember, because it illuminates what God has done in my life since those days.

He gave me a gift in Chris. He gave me…

…a man that loved me – truly unconditionally

…a husband that loved me as Christ loved the church

…a friend that I could share everything with and not be judged by my opinions

…a step-dad for my Anna, and he loved her as if she had been his own flesh and blood

…the ability to experience true love again

…a supporter of the speaking, writing ministry God called me to

…a true treasure

I will be forever grateful for that gift. God is still giving me amazing gifts! I can’t wait to share more with you, however…this day is dedicated to remembering the “Chris Chapters” in my life that came to a close on May 3rd and 4th of last year. I would love for you to also stop by tomorrow when I’ll be sharing more about the new gift God has recently given me.

I’ve experienced His Reach.

I’ve experienced His Rescue.

I am experiencing His Restoration!

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. (Psalm 18:16 NLT)