Yesterday on my way home from She Speaks, I felt a sudden urging to pull off the highway and pay a visit to the cemetery where Chris is buried. I had already experienced an emotion-packed weekend, and I was full of God’s love yet drained of energy at the same time. So, a cemetery visit really wasn’t my choice of activity at the time. Nevertheless…the tug didn’t leave, so I exited the interstate and made my way down the highway to the beautiful hillside memorial park.
I prayed as entered the wrought iron gates…
Please God, let me have the cemetery to myself. Please let nobody else be here right now.
I sensed I needed the time alone with God, in this place, with no “people distractions”.
Thankfully, He answered my simple prayer.
I cleaned up Chris’ marker, pulled a few weeds, emptied the rainwater out of the flower vase and then just walked around for a few minutes. I noticed some of Chris’ “neighbors” had changed. Some new ones had recently been laid to rest…Elizabeth joined her husband Oslo last December, but the marker was just recently laid. Mr. and Mrs. Will were now at rest beside each other as well. I continued my stroll amongst the graves and then just stopped.
What am I doing here Lord? I haven’t been here in several months. Why did you beckon me here? Why now?
Still nothing… I went and sat down in the grass atop Chris’ grave and just sat. I kept whispering…
Lord, why did you call me here? What do you have to say to me?
Still nothing…
The “Type A, wanna figure it all out” personality of mine was getting a bit unnerved. I knew I was supposed to stop here, but why…why today? It wasn’t just to tidy up the grave (it wasn’t that unkempt to begin with). I used to love to pray in the cemetery. Ever since Chris went Home to Heaven, I had spent many hours praying in this serene place…just not recently. And…so I sat…waiting…waiting on direction, a whisper, a nudging in my spirit…something to tell me why I was here at this particular time.
When nothing came…I just started praying, conversing with God…and, then it came.
A flood. Of tears. Lots and lots of tears. Prayers and more tears. Cleansing tears.
And then…I heard the whisper of His voice in my spirit…
Now, My daughter, that’s why I called you here. You’ve not been real with me lately…with your feelings, even in your prayers. You’ve been holding back. As I watched you worship Me and serve others this weekend, I knew you were on the verge. But, I had to bring you here, My daughter, to completely cleanse you…to get you to cry authentic tears. No holding back. I want ALL of you. Not fragments of you.
The tears continued, as He spoke to my heart. I had been trying to do too much…in my own strength. God doesn’t like it when I (we) do that. And, I was simply drained. He needed to bring me back to our “special place” in that cemetery, where He could empty me, cleanse me, and fill me back up. Much like He did as He healed me through the depths of grief many months ago. It was then He reached for me, and He rescued me out of the deep waters of darkness, and He’s been restoring me ever since.
He’s mobilizing me for the next steps I’m to take on this earthly journey of life we’re on together. He has amazing things planned, and He continues to wow me more and more every single day. But…He won’t stand for the fragmented Leah anymore…it’s all or nothing! And…this girl loves Him too much to not give all!
Thank you Lord for our cemetery prayers and cleansing tears!
Leslie Nease says
Leah, you are so precious. Thank you for sharing this personal and powerful moment with us! God is so good. You are loved & prayed for!
leahgillen says
Leslie – Thank you for your kind and encouraging words! Love you sweet lady!
Brenda Guite says
Leah – Your sensing God’s tugging at your heart and your obedience to follow resulted in God’s Grace poured out on you. Emptied, cleansed and filled once again with the power of HIS Spirit. Thank you for sharing Sister.
leahgillen says
Brenda – Thank you so much! He’s so great…isn’t He?
Ferree Hardy says
Cemetery prayers are so cleansing! What a blessing that you patiently waited until you found out why you were there. * And thank you for sharing this beautiful experience!
leahgillen says
Ferree – Thank you so much sweet friend!