I Can’t Forget

May 3 will never again be just another day. 2011 changed that for me forever. It was on this day, two years ago, my husband “disappeared”; or at least that’s what we initially thought. Chris was so predictable that when the minutes and hours kept ticking by from the time he would normally be home from work, I knew something was wrong. The rest of the evening’s activities included calls to the local hospitals to make sure a “John Doe” hadn’t been brought in following a wreck or something, prayer requests being sent out in droves, a visit to the local police station to file a missing person’s report, driving around town looking for my husband and/or his bright red truck. Sadly, May 3 ushered in May 4…still with no sign of Chris.

Many hours later, I got the call…some friends from church had FINALLY located his truck…the hunt was now on for Chris. Little did they know at the time, he was lying only about 100 feet away from them. Within the next 30 minutes, however, Chris’ lifeless body was discovered the evening of May 4, the result of him completing a suicide.

I filled this blog with posts during that grief process (you can actually click HERE for the very first post following his death). I thought I’d never get over the shock of becoming a widow at such a young age. I remember that particular May 3 and 4 vividly. I may not remember the details of the events that followed in the next few days and weeks, but I’ll never forget those two days. The pictures…the details…everything is just as clear today as it was then.

In those early days, I vowed to do something. No matter how badly I preferred to curl up in a ball and ignore everything around me, I vowed to read something from my Bible each day. I also promised to talk to God daily. As I share my story, I’m quick to note, however, that those early prayers might have been only two to three words. Eventually, I graduated to extended time with the Lord. I also maybe only read a verse or two each day, as I adjusted to my “new normal”, but soon that turned into true study of His Word again. Even in the shock…even in depths of grief…I could not forget my God. He would be the only one that could turn ugly into beautiful again.

Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. ~Proverbs 4:5 ESV

If you told me then, I wouldn’t have believed it. God allowed me to find true love again. He promised me time and time again during my Grief Journey…

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten. ~Joel 2:25 ESV

Little did I realize that those very words from the book of Joel would be made manifest in a man named Joel…the man that is now my husband. Going on nine months of marriage this month, I can see the fingerprints of a restoring God all over my life and in my marriage. However, even though healed and restored, I still can’t forget the May 3 and 4 that changed my life forever. In the same way, I can’t forget the God who

• lifted me out of the pit of despair
• held me up when I was too heartbroken to stand
• delivered me from the grip of grief
• protected me while widowed
• guided me as a single parent
• caught each tear I shed
• heard each prayer I prayed
• rescued me from deep waters
• HEALED me

In the same way that my mind remembers those painful days, I also remember the loving God that cherishes me. I can’t forget Him.