Another change is taking place. No…I’m not talking about THE change ladies. This one is a little different.
I suddenly don’t like visiting the cemetery where my late husband is buried.
There, I admitted it. I noticed glimpses of this transition happening several months ago actually. After Chris died, I actually found solace at the cemetery and spent A LOT OF TIME there. Some would probably argue I spent way more time than was normal, but it felt good to me. I know he’s not there, but I guess those early months allowed me to feel a tad bit closer to him. And, truth be told, I felt closer to God there too (here’s a post from one of those times). There were also times where visiting the cemetery produced “nothing” in me…like THIS time. But, never had trips to Chris’ grave site produced feelings of uneasiness like it does now.
I last visited on the second anniversary of his death (in May). I made time to check on the flowers to make sure they didn’t need to be changed out with one of the other silk arrangements I have. My daughter went with me. We talked a little, laughed a little, and simply recollected times past. But, the entire time I was there, I felt out of place…totally uneasy…like I needed to get out of there as soon as possible
I know…this sounds strange…but, I also know many widows that have expressed to me they never had the desire to visit their husband’s grave even one time after the burial. They felt like that was closure enough, and they couldn’t move on in their grief if they had to do it from there. I understood that too. Everyone grieves differently.
I still didn’t see this coming. Even though I’m very happily remarried now, I still struggled with the thoughts of moving out of the area one day (even though I fully intend to), because I worried about what would become of Chris’ grave site. Who would keep the flowers looking fresh? And yet…I think in some subtle ways, God is already preparing me for that time…whether it be tomorrow or 20 years from now. He’s already allowing me to experience the detachment from needing to go there. As it is, I now only visit about 3-4 times/year, and that is usually around season changes, because I typically swap out the flowers to “match” the season.
This certainly doesn’t mean I no longer care or that I’m trying to erase him from my memory. Hardly. That would be impossible anyway, at least as long as I’m capable of remembering. But, I think God is “releasing” me from the need to be there as often as I’ve been in the past. And…perhaps from the need to feel like I have to change out the flowers with each season. I’ll let God continue to guide me on that one.
For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
Hey leah,
I love reading the post from you. it’s like you are experiencing everything the same as me with the death of your husband. since my Dan died just 2 days after yours did it is like we are going through healing the same time and ways. i was just telling a friend that i no longer need to have his ashes around me or care to smell his cologne. it even makes me sick smelling his cologne. it isn’t that i dont miss him or will always love him its just i dont need those things. GOD is helping me let go of him.
Leeanne – I’m so glad to hear that you’re moving in the right direction towards healing as well! God is always faithful to help us when we let Him! 🙂
Leah, while I didn’t lose a spouse, I’ve sort of gone through the same thing with the lose of my mother. She’s been gone about 2 1/2 years now. Her grave is actually on our property (remember how close it was to my house when you visited?). I used to walk out there every night or at least 3 times a week. It’s very peaceful. But I don’t have the desire to go out there anymore. I can see it from the house and look that way often, especially at night since I have two small solar lights out there and I planted flowers which are blooming, but I don’t walk out there or linger over thoughts of the graveyard as I once did. I think it is all part of the healing process, plus…we know…they are there. There’s more comfort in that thought, when I think of my mom, she is with Jesus, at his feet. Thank you for sharing this and being so open about your feelings. It really does help to know I’m not the only one going through this.
Deborah – That’s very encouraging to know as well. It’s funny how there are so many similarities on “Grief Road” regardless of who we’re grieving over…spouse, friend, mother, sister, etc. Yes – I remember your mother’s beautiful grave quite well and can easily picture it in my mind. It’s so lovely there!
Love you, Leah! :~)
Love you too lady! 🙂
Oh, Leah,
Well said as usual! 🙂 Oddly enough, I didn’t visit Rickey’s grave often, and did more often AFTER getting re-married, though still not often even though it’s only a mile from our home. I have never felt that he was there, so to visit did not evoke emotion either way in me most of the time. However, I can relate to the feeling to needing to stay close . . . to him, to my “roots” (I live in the home I grew up in and in the town I have lived in for 46 years), but after a visit to my husband’s home-town, I’m ready to say that where God leads us, I am ready to follow! I’d like to let my girls grow up and finish school, but after that . . . who knows?? 🙂 Thanks again for sharing your heart, and, really one of us needs a ROAD TRIP to meet up . . . maybe half-way!! 🙂
Sweet Sheila…nothing would thrill me more than a road trip to meet up with you! Gonna have to work on that! How close are you to Indianapolis?