I know the emotion of anger is a common one of grief. I probably experienced it more times than I can count the first time I became a widow.
I’ve encountered small bouts of it already in my 11 days on this grief journey. Yesterday, however, beat all. I felt I had “anger overload”. Everything set me off…the littlest of things caused me to short-fuse. I couldn’t point to one thing, in particular, that started this anger ball rolling…then again, YES I could…
MY HUSBAND JUST UNEXPECTEDLY DIED!!!
Friends, I’m trying so hard to be strong, especially for my children. And…just when I think I’m on top of everything, I fall apart and fail yet again. I thought it was hard to single parent one child through the paralyzing effects of grief (as I did the first time). This…this is entirely different. I have to be “on” all the time. I haven’t yet returned to work, but that will happen soon. Even so, my days are currently full with appointments and things related to Joel’s death. My evenings are full of being mommy to my littles, who are so desperate to figure out this “void” in our lives.
I am angry my children’s behavior has turned a bit south, and yet…I understand why.
I am angry I can’t seem to comfort them the way they need to be comforted right now.
I am angry I don’t have time to simply “sit and process” what has just taken place in our lives and think through the next steps, because I can’t stop “doing”.
I am very angry I’ve been asked to walk the road of widowhood TWICE in less than six years.
I am very angry our adopted children don’t have an earthly daddy anymore.
I am very angry our baby Austyn will likely not remember the amazing man who gave him his last name.
I am angry we just moved into this new home that was to be our forever home, and we still have boxes to unpack and never had the chance to make it OURS.
I am angry there are multiple unfinished projects all over this house.
I am angry I can’t seem to intellectually figure out what happened to Joel that led to him leaving us so soon.
I am angry that nothing brings me lasting joy right now.
I am angry my 3-year-old kicks and screams when being dropped off at preschool now, because he can’t trust mommy will come back. (And…while I say I will, the truth is…we never know when we’ll be called home.) I simply want to hold him, assure him, and comfort his broken heart.
Even within this extreme battle of anger I’m dealing with, I still have my faith. I still trust God’s plan is ALWAYS better. Always. I may not understand. I may be angry. Yet…He can see the big picture I can’t see. And…for that…I trust Him.
I also know He understands my anger and can handle it. Please pray for me/us! The pain remains excruciating.
The evidence of your anger is raw and real, but so is the evidence of your faith! Lean in hard!!! The everlasting Arms are carrying you. Fight the feeling that you have to be “on” with the children because they only need you to be “present”. I had five children to walk through this darkness and God carried us all through it and He will be faithful to do the same for you again even though there are more of you this time. I wish I could take some of the burden from you or at least be there in person to do things for your family! I am lifting you up every single day!
While it isnt possible for me to feel your pain, I understand the anger. You have put into words the mute suffering of other not so gifted in verbalizing. You will pass through this intact, but changed…and your testimony will change others. I have such respect for your strength!!
I can’t even begin to fathom your pain, frustration, and anger toward God. I have known plenty of pain, but nothing like you have endured. Your faith through this ridiculously difficult time is an inspiration to me and I’m sure to hundreds of others. My first husband was suddenly gone one day (completely different situation), but still suddenly leaving me with 3 young children and lots of broken pieces to try to put back together not only for them, but for myself. If it weren’t for your brother, I am not so sure where the kids and I would be today. You and your children will be kept close to my heart and prayers Leah.
Oh Gurl!! Be Angry… I’m right there with you. Sometimes I do not understand. And you know I’ve been there. I’m Angry that God has given me this son sometimes…. Angry that my whole life rotates around Him and Autism.. That my other kids have not enjoyed camping trips or biking because of Autism… I’m Angry with you…. And I know HE understands my anger… And through our trials if it doesn’t make us the two strongest Women in the World… I don’t know what will. Bless your sweet heart and spirit today.
Leah, I am praying for you. Whenever you are in my thoughts, I lift you up before the Lord, and pray that he infuses your heart with a healing balm….It is so rough, only a widow knows. My Chris went to be with Jesus, and left me with a 2, 4 and 6 year old. They are beautiful and grown girls. You are an amazing woman, Leah but dang, I wish you didn’t have to go through all this pain again, It sucks…. Will be praying for your babies too. kathy
Love you, Leah. Cannot even comprehend what you’re going through. Continued prayers.
Leah,
So many of your feelings and frustrations are normal. I know you’ve heard often “I’m praying for you.” Sometimes that just doesn’t quite get it when you feel so alone. I was there once too and understand somewhat. Although mine was through divorce–with 3 children, I still after 34 years remember the anguish. I used to lay in bed at night and listen to a tape by Jack Taylor called The Strength of Weakness. I would play it over and over because I knew how weak I was. Although I was ashamed of this, I even hid once from my kids for a few minutes because I was so overwhelmed. Please know how much you are loved. We (your friends and family) are lifting you up continually to the throne of grace. Only He can get you and your sweet children through these dark days. Isaiah 40:11 became my comfort during many of those days. ❤
My heart hurts so for you right now! Know that you are not alone! That you are lifted to God daily! Know that your precious babies are lifted! Know that God understands your shock and anger and confusion! Daddy God, hold her close!
Leah, I don’t know you and I’ve only just found your blog.
But, my heart hurts for you and your dear family.
You are in my prayers and I send lots of love from England.
Kay
From all of us at Ambassador, Leah, know of our prayers on your behalf and those of your dear children. May you sense His supernatural strength and peace in the days ahead.
– Ambassador Advertising Agency
Leah, thank-you for having the courage to write when your emotions are still fresh and raw. Your transparency will help others. My prayer for you today is:
“Precious Lord Jesus, please envelope Leah today. Surround her with a buffer of your great peace. Clothe her in your mighty love. Grant her physical and emotional strength and impart your supernatural wisdom to those who would offer encouragement to her personally. Renew her in the night hours and allow her to awaken refreshed and with mental clarity. Send your incredible comfort to her in ways that she has never experienced before and grant her the opportunity to express her anger in a healthy way. In Jesus name, Amen.”
LEAH, WITH YOUR PERMISSION, I WOULD LIKE TO FEATURE THIS POST ON MY BLOG UNDER MY “FOR GRIEVERS” SECTION… Please let me know.
Debbie – Thank you for your prayers, and I would be honored for you to feature it on your own blog. Thank you!
Leah, I have no words. I have been off social media and just now tuned back into your blog, after three and a a half years since you were so gracious in responding to my questions about God bringing a man into my life just a year after my precious soul mate was killed and left me and our three babies behind. Your love story with Joel was such an inspiration and indication to me of the mysterious ways in which God works. And
Now, this. I am angry with you. I don’t understand. As human as it sounds I don’t understand how He could have begun such beautiful beginnings and not given any indication, or prevention, to this deep pit you face yet again. I am reminded of Betsie ten Boom’s words to her sister Corrie, that “there is no pit so deep that He is Not deeper still.” She went on to tell her sister, while they endured unspeakable horrors in the concentration camp, that when the Lord released them this would be their message, and that “they will believe us, because we have been here.” I know you trust Him. I know you know He will work this
For His glory somehow. But I also know you are in depths only He understands now. And I know as much as your heart yearns for your Joel, your soul is crying out for your Savior, the eternal Lover of your soul to make all those bags right as He promises to do. Until He does wipe away all these tears, I am aching and praying for you sweet sister. Jesus, hold her. Hold those babies. Holy Spirit, may your power be exponential as you empower this emptied vessel to carry out your purposes. Until the day you make all things new, renew her moment by moment. Amen. You are continually in my prayers.
Leah, I have no words. I have been off social media and just now tuned back into your blog, after three and a a half years since you were so gracious in responding to my questions about God bringing a man into my life just a year after my precious soul mate was killed and left me and our three babies behind. Your love story with Joel was such an inspiration and indication to me of the mysterious ways in which God works. And
Now, this. I am angry right along with you. I don’t understand. As human as it sounds I don’t understand how He could have begun such beautiful beginnings and not given any indication, or prevention, to this deep pit you face yet again. I am reminded of Betsie ten Boom’s words to her sister Corrie, that “there is no pit so deep that He is Not deeper still.” She went on to tell her sister, while they endured unspeakable horrors in the concentration camp, that when the Lord released them this would be their message, and that “they will believe us, because we have been here.” I know you trust Him. I know you know He will work this
For His glory somehow. But I also know you are in depths only He understands now. And I know as much as your heart yearns for your Joel, your soul is crying out for your Savior, the eternal Lover of your soul to make all things right as He promises to do. Until He does wipe away all these tears, I am aching and praying for you sweet sister. Jesus, hold her. Hold those babies. Holy Spirit, may your power be exponential as you empower this emptied vessel to carry out your purposes. Until the day you make all things new, renew her moment by moment. Amen. You are continually in my prayers.