Today marks the official “two months ‘til Christmas” warning.

Today also marks 25 weeks since my husband first disappeared into the woods to take his own life. Sadly, he succeeded.

In 25 weeks, I’ve…

-seen the beauty of God’s Comfort

-felt pain like never before

-experienced an outpouring of love from my Christian and non-Christian friends alike

-tasted the bitterness of death

-been led beside still waters

-hidden myself in the shadow of Chris’ death

-laughed so hard I’ve almost wet my pants (how’s that for a visual?)

-cried what must be the equivalent of a lifetime of tears

-praised the One that made me…over and over and over

-questioned the One that made me…over and over and over

-prayed for so many other widows, knowing well the depth of their pain

-barely eaten, as food nauseated me in the “early days”

-eaten too much, as food is falsely “comforting me” now

-been on the mountaintop

-been in the deepest pit

-endeavored to live life to the fullest

-prayed that God would call me Home

-witnessed true friendship, even among strangers

-felt the sting of false friendship

-experienced God’s fingerprints on me

-questioned God’s nearness

-seen beauty come from ashes

-felt abandoned and forgotten (a lie from the enemy)

-shared with others how God never leaves us or forsakes us

-experienced how deep and how wide is God’s amazing love for me

Disclaimer: This isn’t a pretty post. You know the kind? The one as my friend, Carol, would say that I try to write – regardless of how painful – and end up tying a pretty bow of inspiration on top at the end. Nope. Not today. So, if you’re in the mood to be inspired…come back another day. This is just raw, authentic, hurting me today. I understand if you stop right here. Just…consider yourself warned.

Oh…I see you didn’t stop. You’re still reading. Well, as my husband would say, “Bless your heart!”

Today has been one of those days that I wish I could just erase. I wanted to go back to bed hours ago and just wake up to a new day…a do-over day.

It hasn’t been any one thing. It’s been a BUNCH of things. It actually started yesterday. Someone hurt my feelings…I guess I let them, and I still wasn’t over it this morning. So, I woke up rather gloomy. It was a bright, sunny day, and I had the heart of Eeyore.

And, then it began. The waves of grief returned with a vengeance. One right after the other – knocking me off my feet. On top of that, the emotional drowning caused me to make bad eating choices today, which then led to feelings of failure. This was the day I was “starting over” on my healthy eating plan. I had lost a bunch of weight rather quickly in the first 8 weeks following Chris’ death. It’s gradually been inching it’s way back (pardon the pun), and I’m miserable. M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E. So, today was the day. No more playing games. I had to get a grip. But, then came the waves. And, food became my comfort. Noooooooooo!!!!!!

This afternoon brought a trip to the dentist for my 6-month cleaning. That, in and of itself, was hard. The day Chris died, I had an appointment for a filling that had to be rescheduled. And so, today, as I was driving out there…THAT day…May 4…was heavily on mind. Then the waves came harder. I passed landmark after landmark that reminded me of my sweet man. I drove by the exit to the cemetery where he’s buried. Then, I passed the SCUBA store (my Chris was a diver). Soon after, I drove past the shooting range where he let me practice shooting his rifles. I’ll never forget how fun that day was…seriously.

Finally, I get to the dentist’s office. While waiting to be called back, another woman was making an appointment for her husband. The receptionist asked for her cell phone number, and “the wife” began to call it out 276-xxx-xxxx. That’s all I needed to hear: 276. The area code for my husband’s hometown in Virginia. The tears were back. Over a silly area code? I was spent!

The dental visit was less than desirable. Two more cavities! What is going on? You’d think I was sleeping with a sugar cube in my mouth or something! Oh well…I shouldn’t expect less on a day like today.

And then…to top it off. I was in the grocery store with my daughter tonight. We just had to run in and get a few things. On the way out of the store, my ankle rolled (the one I sprained Saturday on my hike), and in what seemed like a slow-motion nightmare…I fell…HARD on the grocery store floor on my knee. So, now my ankle is re-sprained…my knee is on fire…and I’m humiliated.

I’m just sad today. I’m hurting today. And…to top it all off…I’m physically hurt now too. I’m ready for Home! Come quickly Lord Jesus! In the meantime, I guess I’ll just go to bed and start over tomorrow.