I told her my last name and simply stated I was there to pick up a prescription.

“Leah Gillen?” she asked.

I was a bit surprised when she called out my first name too without even looking it up in the computer or anything.

Further she explained, “I filled your prescription much earlier today, and your name just stuck with me for some reason.” I simply smiled.

Normally, I just go through our local pharmacy’s drive thru to pick up any prescriptions, but interestingly they called me yesterday and said they needed me to bring in my insurance card, because there was a slight problem, and they needed to load it again in the system.

So, this time…I went inside to pick up my order. I’m not sure how the conversation even turned in this direction, but suddenly I found myself sharing with her that my husband passed away a little over 5 months ago.

She stopped everything, and with complete sincerity offered, “I’m sorry. I really am sorry. I’m not just saying that.”

I thanked her, and we simply continued to chat a little. She never asked me how he died (one of the first actually), and I never offered. But, she then began telling me that this had been a difficult year for her too.

“My mom and both grandparents passed away this year. And, my dad passed away when I was 16.” (She couldn’t be more than 27-28 at this point.)

“Wow!” I was floored. “You have had a hard year, haven’t you?”

She shrugged a little and then said, “Yes. But, I believe everything happens for a reason.” Looking down at my insurance card, she then proceeded to say, “I see that you work for the Billy Graham organization. I guess you probably believe everything happens for a reason too?”

I simply smiled. The sweet assumptions. But…she was right. “Yes, I do.” But, she wasn’t finished.

“But, do you ever ask why? I mean…why did this happen to you…to me?” She stared at me…cautiously inquisitive. Maybe she was afraid of my answer. Maybe she’s surfing for an answer to her own “why”. And so I began…

“Honestly? Yes, I’ve asked that question a time or two in my life. But, honestly…my question as of late has been ‘why not me?’. Why should the yucky stuff happen to somebody else instead of me? Why should I be exempt? We live in a fallen, broken world. So, who’s to say I shouldn’t experience any of this? Do I like it? Absolutely not. Do I wish my husband were still with me? YES! YES! YES! But, I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worse enemy. So, why not me?”

I was afraid of her response to my little moment of dialogue. Was she ready for that? Or did I just give her more than she could chew at the moment? I just wanted to be honest.

Her response? “You’re right. Absolutely right. I guess that’s why your name stuck with me today. God wanted to connect us tonight.”

And. He. Did. Just. That.

Chris – my Superman!

I’ve had so many people stress to me the importance of journaling since the death of my sweet Chris. As a lover of words, you would think that would be easy for me. But, it hasn’t been. I’ve journaled some, but I’ve blogged a lot more. I think the blog posts have taken the place of traditional journaling for me.

However, there are some things that I simply can’t post here. Nuggets that are too hard to bare and are just between God and me. Elements of pain that would not edify anyone reading the words. But, for some reason, today I felt led to share a few excerpts from some of my most early journal entries. Maybe…just maybe…God is speaking to one of you through some of these words.

May 13
9 days after Chris’ death…I’m still struggling to find answers. I’m still struggling to get back into God’s Word in more than a “surface reading” sort of way. I desire to devour it , but my heart won’t let me just yet. And so…I skim. I am reading devotions and shockingly, but thankfully, the two I read today had to be love notes straight from God Himself: 5/13 Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) and 5/13 Morning By Morning (Spurgeon). I seek you Lord – now more than ever. I pray, God, that you’ll speak to me in my dreams and that I’ll remember it when I awake. Please give me a glimpse of Chris in heaven.

May 21
Now 17 days after my sweet husband suddenly left me for our eternal home…God’s mercies continue to abound. Even so, I still hurt. I think the thing I struggle with most today is not having him to talk to. I ache for him…really ache for him. Maranatha!

May 28
I find that my blog has become a place of journaling much of what God has been teaching me along “Grief Road”. However, there are still nuggets that are too personal or confusing or private to display on a public blog. … I had an emotionally difficult time of prayer yesterday morning, but it resulted in God carrying me out of my “grief prison”. Hallelujah!

July 4
I am really having to work hard to choose joy today, because Satan is working overtime to get me to be miserable. But, it’s becoming my new mantra, of sorts…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of my circumstances…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of the depths of my sorrow…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of what life difficulties seem to bombard me…I CHOOSE JOY! This life is so short & so fleeting! I get to live with Chris in heaven forever. Better yet – I get to live with Jesus in heaven forever! This life is but a “blip” on the pages of eternity. Therefore…I CHOOSE JOY!

Without Christ, I am nothing. Simple, but true. Without Christ, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t walk Grief Road. Without Christ, I would be lost…and perhaps dead. But, being dead without Christ is the greatest tragedy of all. Thankfully, Chris is waiting for me in heaven! How about you?