Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

The Hardest Prayer

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My girlie and me - saying "goodbye" at Training Camp.
My girlie and me – saying “goodbye” at Training Camp.

As I shared just last week, my daughter, Anna, is spending the month of July serving as a short-term missionary in Uganda, Africa. At the young age of sixteen, Anna’s chosen to “give up” a large portion of her summer to live among some of the poorest in our world to teach them about the love of Jesus.

I think it hit me Friday night as we worshiped together…Anna and her fellow missionary team members and the parents that were present. We spent some time offering up songs of praise to the God of the Universe. Afterwards, the students were asked to line up in the aisle that formed between some rows of chairs. The worship leader asked the parents to come pray over their children – a commissioning prayer, of sorts. In return, the students were asked to pray over their parents. It was then that I lost it.

I’m not sure I’ve heard a sound more beautiful than my daughter praying over my husband and me, with tears streaming down her face. It was almost as beautiful a noise as the first time I heard her cry on January 23, 1997. Tears streamed down her face then, but for entirely different reasons. As I held that little newborn baby in my arms for the first time, I knew God had great plans for her. Little did I realize that as I held my 16-year-old “baby” girl last Friday evening, I was beginning to get a glimpse of some of those plans.

I’ve had parents tell me over and over, “I don’t know how you do it. I could never let my daughter or son travel to Africa at the age of 16.” I understand what they’re saying. I really do. In my own skin, I could never let Anna go either. But… Anna doesn’t belong to me. She’s God’s child, and He’s simply blessed me immensely by “loaning” her to me for as long as He chooses. He’s given me a great responsibility in choosing me to be her mother. And, it’s something I don’t take lightly. But, I also know that apart from Him, I would not be capable of parenting the way He intends.

In my flesh, I didn’t want her to go. But, in my spirit, I couldn’t be more proud of her for going.

In my flesh, I think of all the horrible things that could happen. But, in my spirit, I’ve placed her in God’s hands to protect. He loves her more than I ever could.

In my flesh, I wanted to go with her. But, in my spirit, this is something that she needs to do without me.

In my flesh, I’m afraid she’ll come back changed. But, in my spirit, I want her to come back changed.

I’ll never forget something a former Sunday School teacher of mine shared with a group of us. During class, she posed the question, “Have you ever prayed for God to take your child?”

What was she talking about? Was she out of her mind? Why would I do such a thing?

She explained further…

“When my first son was an infant, I prayed the hardest prayer over him I could ever imagine praying. In short, I asked God to call him home right then if there was ever a chance that he would one day reject Him as Savior and Lord. I didn’t want him to live an eternity apart from God, so I asked God to call Him home before he had a chance to reject Him.”

Gulp. I remember sitting there thinking (in one thought) how harsh that sounded but (in another thought) how much that mother loved her son to actually “risk” having God take him from her so soon. But, the agony of a lifetime apart from Him was too great.

And now…my Anna is spending the rest of the month in Uganda…sharing about her Jesus with those that are willing to listen. Maybe…just maybe…there’s another mama ready to pray a similar prayer over infant, but she wouldn’t be able to unless she already first met Him. Maybe…just maybe…Anna was called to be His voice at such a time as this. Maybe…just maybe.

My heart is so full with anticipation over what God is doing through my girl. His girl. Will you please continue to pray for her? Pray that God would bless the ministry work of the team in such dramatic, miraculous ways that there’s no mistaking His calling on their lives. Pray for continued safety and good health. After a weekend training camp and two days of air travel, the team landed on Ugandan soil yesterday afternoon around 3:00 pm. The work has begun. May He receive all the glory!

Now – for Monday’s book giveaway winner: Sarah C. (6:52 pm 7/9)! Congratulations Sarah. May Natalie’s book be a blessing to you. Please email me your mailing address so that we can get the book right out to you: [email protected]. Thank you!

Not a Statistic

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QUICK REMINDER: Today is the last day to enter yesterday’s book giveaway. Please, please, please take a moment to read about it HERE. Even if you’ve never been affected by bipolar disorder or suicide, chances are you will encounter someone that could use this resource. Natalie’s story is heart-wrenching, yet full of God’s grace! An excellent read! Giveaway ends at 9:00 pm ET tonight!

I vividly remember conversations with my then 6-year-old daughter (that took place for many years to come) telling her that she doesn’t have to be a statistic. While the facts regarding children of divorced parents are alarming, she doesn’t have to be one of *those* numbers. I remember reading articles about the difficulties of single parenting and the effects on the children. I hated it. As a young girl, I never prayed, “Lord…please sent me my Prince Charming. Allow us to divorce. Allow me to remarry and then lose that husband to suicide.” Who would ask for something like that?

But…

I’ve also not been one to play the victim. While some of the ugly things I’ve endured in my life could have been reversed had I made better decisions, there are others that were completely out of my control. Irregardless, I’ve never been one to linger in Victim-Land. Now, I’d be remiss to say I’ve never spent anytime there. That’s simply not true. I’ve had my own share of pity parties. I’ve asked God, “Why me?” before. I’ve thought about running off to a deserted island somewhere and just “starting over” without the baggage of my past.

But…

I think there’s an element of beauty in pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, dusting ourselves off and moving forward into the land of the living. I’ve known far too many people that have chosen to “die” in Victim-Land. While they may not die a physical death, so to speak, they are so completely stuck in placing blame on everyone around them that caused them to be in the situation they currently find themselves in. True or not…I’ve discovered, first-hand, that’s not going to help anyone heal from the pain.

Some of you might be saying, “Easy for you to say…you don’t know what’s happened to me!” That’s true. I don’t. Maybe I can relate, and maybe I can’t. But, at the same token…I can say the same thing. While I openly share many details of my life here at Out of Deep Waters, please know it’s only a fraction of it. I share the segments that I do in hopes of helping someone else. If even one other person emerges from the deep, painful waters of life victoriously healed by God’s hand…then it’s worth it.

I don’t share to get attention, pats on the back, “bless your heart” expressions of love and concern. I don’t share to draw attention to my drama or past mistakes. I don’t share due to a need of co-dependency. As a matter of fact, all of these things go against every fiber of my personality, because I’m introvert, by nature. I gain energy from being alone. I’d rather others know nothing of the hurt and betrayal of my past. But God…

God won’t let me keep quiet. Just like I told my daughter that she can choose to be a statistic or choose to rise above it over a decade ago…I say the same thing to you. Regardless of where you might be in life…in a pit, just out of one, or never even stepped into one. I can assure you that the day will come (if it hasn’t yet), and I just want to equally encourage you…you don’t have to be a statistic. You can rise above your circumstances…not in your own power, but in the power of the living Lord, Jesus Christ! Attempting anything in my own power never stuck. Only relinquishing everything to Him brought me restoration and kept me out of the “statistics”.

Be blessed!