Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

The Change (no…not THAT one!)

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Grave flowersAnother change is taking place. No…I’m not talking about THE change ladies. This one is a little different.

I suddenly don’t like visiting the cemetery where my late husband is buried.

There, I admitted it. I noticed glimpses of this transition happening several months ago actually. After Chris died, I actually found solace at the cemetery and spent A LOT OF TIME there. Some would probably argue I spent way more time than was normal, but it felt good to me. I know he’s not there, but I guess those early months allowed me to feel a tad bit closer to him. And, truth be told, I felt closer to God there too (here’s a post from one of those times). There were also times where visiting the cemetery produced “nothing” in me…like THIS time. But, never had trips to Chris’ grave site produced feelings of uneasiness like it does now.

I last visited on the second anniversary of his death (in May). I made time to check on the flowers to make sure they didn’t need to be changed out with one of the other silk arrangements I have. My daughter went with me. We talked a little, laughed a little, and simply recollected times past. But, the entire time I was there, I felt out of place…totally uneasy…like I needed to get out of there as soon as possible

I know…this sounds strange…but, I also know many widows that have expressed to me they never had the desire to visit their husband’s grave even one time after the burial. They felt like that was closure enough, and they couldn’t move on in their grief if they had to do it from there. I understood that too. Everyone grieves differently.

I still didn’t see this coming. Even though I’m very happily remarried now, I still struggled with the thoughts of moving out of the area one day (even though I fully intend to), because I worried about what would become of Chris’ grave site. Who would keep the flowers looking fresh? And yet…I think in some subtle ways, God is already preparing me for that time…whether it be tomorrow or 20 years from now. He’s already allowing me to experience the detachment from needing to go there. As it is, I now only visit about 3-4 times/year, and that is usually around season changes, because I typically swap out the flowers to “match” the season.

This certainly doesn’t mean I no longer care or that I’m trying to erase him from my memory. Hardly. That would be impossible anyway, at least as long as I’m capable of remembering. But, I think God is “releasing” me from the need to be there as often as I’ve been in the past. And…perhaps from the need to feel like I have to change out the flowers with each season. I’ll let God continue to guide me on that one.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

Mi Casa Es Su Casa

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Just a quick moment to share that the winner from this week’s signed book giveaway is Colleen Reske (7/15 – 12:37 pm)! Congratulations! Be sure to email me your mailing address information at [email protected] so that we can get the book sent right out to you.

travelIf you’ve followed my blog for any length of time, you’ve probably figured out that I LOVE to travel…by plane, car, boat, train, moped (well…maybe not that last one). You get the idea though.

If time and money were limitless, I still wouldn’t be able to visit all the places on my list before I die. Just too many that I want to see. Even so, I press on.

A couple of times during my widowhood, I was invited to stay with friends in various places across the United States. They opened up their homes to me, which helped to save on lodging expenses, and yet it also allowed me the opportunity to see old and new friends alike. I even had the chance to meet some sweet gals that I met through Facebook or blog world. How fun!

I still have standing invitations in Pennyslvania, South Carolina, Florida, Texas, and California. You just never know when I might cash those in. 🙂

This November, my hubby and I will be traveling to the midwest and a little further west – in part to see some family – and in part to see some sites! I shared with him that if we stop at “such-and-such” we could see ______, and if we drive through “here”, we could maybe get together for lunch with ____________. Thanks to this little oasis (a/k/a my blog) and the world of social media, in general, I honestly feel like I now have friends in every nook and cranny of the United States.

While it’s impractical to stop and visit everyone that we’d like to, it did cause us to pause and talk over how fun it would be to open up our home to friends traveling through the area and vice versa. It would be like having our own little B&B right in the mountains of Western North Carolina. It would give us the opportunity to visit with precious people and yet provide our visitors the chance to see more of the country without having the added lodging expense.

So…that said, if you’re ever in Asheville, NC or the nearby vicinity, give me a hollar. If the timing is right, we just might have “room in the inn”. After all, mi casa es su casa! And, if you live in Kansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Arizona, Nevada, Colorado, and Nebraska…we’ll be in YOUR neck of the woods in early November. Be sure to wave!