Freedom Friday Archives - Leah Stirewalt

I love music…lots of genres of music! While I mostly listen to Christian music, I’ve been known to belt out a country hit, a classic rock tune, and even hum along to some sanguine jazzy mixes. But, nothing (to borrow the phrase from my friend, Carol) cranks my tractor more than making a joyful noise along with some of my favorite praise and worship melodies. My iPod is full of them, and they are my go-to songs of choice most days (but…I will say TobyMac is my artist of choice when I’m in the gym…gotta have a little beat).

Last night, on my way home from the gym actually, I was in the car by myself (a perfect opportunity to practice my American Idol audition…okay, just kidding). Anyway, I plugged up my iPod to my car adapter and started listening to my playlist of praise and worship tunes. I just let them play at random. One of the songs I have in my list is an older one sung by Ruben Studdard (Season 2 American Idol winner). The first time I heard this song, it stopped me in my tracks. The lyrics are so simple, but matched with the melody, it literally brought tears to my eyes.

CHORUS:
Jesus You’re the center of my joy
All that’s good and perfect
Comes from You
You’re the heart of my contentment
Hope for all I do
Jesus You’re the center of my joy

When I’ve lost my direction
You’re the compass for my way
You’re the fire and light when
Nights are long and cold
In sadness You are the laughter
That shadows all my fears
When I’m all alone
Your hand is there to hold
Oh, oh

Before I know it, there I am again…pulled over on the side of the road…listening to the lyrics with tears forming in my eyes and a smile forming on my face. That’s it friends! Joy-filled tears (not tears of sadness)! The freedom I have in Christ leads to unexplainable, indistinguishable JOY! Now, as I’ve blogged about several times before, don’t confuse happiness with joy. Happiness is based on circumstances…joy is much deeper than that. Joy in Christ can come even in the midst of…

cancer – death – bankruptcy – divorce – emotional pain – sudden disability – job loss – teenager issues – abuse

and a host of other issues. It’s true friends. I can tell you first-hand (as I’ve experienced several of the list above) – You. Can. Have. Joy. Even. Amongst. Pain and loss. But, it only comes through Christ.

For years, I called myself a Christian. I was a marginal one, at best. My walk…well, my walk was on a lonely path. One I tried to travel alone. I was self-sufficient (or so I thought). I didn’t need anyone or anything. I had it all figured out…and then…the loss and the pain arrived. I had no joy. I also wasn’t surrendered to Christ. I was a “fan” of Christ (as Kyle Idleman calls it in Not a Fan), but I was not a follower. I knew about Christ. I didn’t personally know Christ. BIG difference.

When I decided that I couldn’t do it alone anymore, that I was miserable in this journey called life – I gave Him ALL of me. That’ s not to say life has been perfect ever since – not even close. But, I’ve been able to discover joy – literally recognize it in myself over and over again, in spite of…well, in spite of me actually.

Last night when Ruben belted the words out to Center of My Joy, I couldn’t help but join him. I know that kind of joy…especially in the midst of my most painful circumstances.

May 3 will never again be just another day. 2011 changed that for me forever. It was on this day, two years ago, my husband “disappeared”; or at least that’s what we initially thought. Chris was so predictable that when the minutes and hours kept ticking by from the time he would normally be home from work, I knew something was wrong. The rest of the evening’s activities included calls to the local hospitals to make sure a “John Doe” hadn’t been brought in following a wreck or something, prayer requests being sent out in droves, a visit to the local police station to file a missing person’s report, driving around town looking for my husband and/or his bright red truck. Sadly, May 3 ushered in May 4…still with no sign of Chris.

Many hours later, I got the call…some friends from church had FINALLY located his truck…the hunt was now on for Chris. Little did they know at the time, he was lying only about 100 feet away from them. Within the next 30 minutes, however, Chris’ lifeless body was discovered the evening of May 4, the result of him completing a suicide.

I filled this blog with posts during that grief process (you can actually click HERE for the very first post following his death). I thought I’d never get over the shock of becoming a widow at such a young age. I remember that particular May 3 and 4 vividly. I may not remember the details of the events that followed in the next few days and weeks, but I’ll never forget those two days. The pictures…the details…everything is just as clear today as it was then.

In those early days, I vowed to do something. No matter how badly I preferred to curl up in a ball and ignore everything around me, I vowed to read something from my Bible each day. I also promised to talk to God daily. As I share my story, I’m quick to note, however, that those early prayers might have been only two to three words. Eventually, I graduated to extended time with the Lord. I also maybe only read a verse or two each day, as I adjusted to my “new normal”, but soon that turned into true study of His Word again. Even in the shock…even in depths of grief…I could not forget my God. He would be the only one that could turn ugly into beautiful again.

Get wisdom; get insight; do not forget, and do not turn away from the words of my mouth. ~Proverbs 4:5 ESV

If you told me then, I wouldn’t have believed it. God allowed me to find true love again. He promised me time and time again during my Grief Journey…

I will restore to you the years that the swarming locust has eaten. ~Joel 2:25 ESV

Little did I realize that those very words from the book of Joel would be made manifest in a man named Joel…the man that is now my husband. Going on nine months of marriage this month, I can see the fingerprints of a restoring God all over my life and in my marriage. However, even though healed and restored, I still can’t forget the May 3 and 4 that changed my life forever. In the same way, I can’t forget the God who

lifted me out of the pit of despair
held me up when I was too heartbroken to stand
delivered me from the grip of grief
protected me while widowed
guided me as a single parent
caught each tear I shed
heard each prayer I prayed
rescued me from deep waters
HEALED me

In the same way that my mind remembers those painful days, I also remember the loving God that cherishes me. I can’t forget Him.

Center of My Joy (a Freedom Friday post)

I Can’t Forget