Grief / Widowhood Archives

I’ve always referred to this place, my blog, as my little oasis in the desert wanderings of life. Historically, I’ve been able to come here and find refreshment as I pour out my thoughts through the keyboard of hydration. Without a doubt, after I perform a word dump (write a post), I’m renewed and ready to venture back out into the desert. I know I can always return here, to my oasis, to refresh my weary soul. That is, unless I become lost in the desert.

Lately, I’ve been a lost desert wanderer. Unlike the Israelites from thousands of years of ago, God thankfully hasn’t allowed me to wander for forty years. Although, some days feel like years. He knew this season was coming, and He allowed me to walk through it. I’m still in that season, the one that provides opportunities to question everything in my life leading up until now. The one that produces many episodes of ugly crying. The one that feels as if it’s going to be my lot for the rest of my life. The one in which I hardly recognize the woman in the mirror anymore. Due to being “lost” in this desert of life, I’ve struggled to find any oasis, especially this one. The words simply haven’t been able to come out. In part, I think that’s all been part of God’s plan all along. Allow me to elaborate.

I’ve always used this space to not only express some of the most vulnerable places of my heart for all the world to see, but I’ve also attempted to use it to encourage others, to provide hope, and to help others see they are not alone in the struggles we face this side of eternity. That said, I truly believe God didn’t allow me to write for the last nine months, because I was not in a place to provide that encouragement or hope. In truth, I was drowning in a sea of despair, and I had to find personal healing and restoration first. Am I completely healed? Am I completely restored? Yes and no. According to what I know from God’s Word, I believe I am both of those things, but I don’t always feel it. So, I’m choosing to walk in the truth of the biblical principles I cling to each day, whether I feel it or not. Thankfully, I have a lifetime of experiencing God’s amazing grace and mercy, therefore I know my feelings don’t define the facts. They are just that. Feelings.

Feelings aside, I long to express myself through words. In short, I love to write. I’ve always been a bit of a word geek. I deeply desire to return to this oasis more consistently in the coming days, weeks, and months. What will that look like? I have no idea at this point. I’m certainly not at the place I’m willing to publicly make a promise I can’t keep. However, I see the tides turning. I see God doing a new thing in me, and I deeply want to bring you along on that journey, as He allows.

I’ve been blogging for more than a decade. In regards to this particular site, this year is the 10-year anniversary of Out of Deep Waters. Many of you have been with me from the beginning, and some of you have just discovered OoDW. Without a doubt, I’m thankful for each and every individual who takes the time to read the words this ordinary gal chooses to share. It’s quite humbling actually. I’ve always had so many big dreams for this oasis, but personal choices and life (in general) have prevented most of those dreams from transpiring…at least for now. Even so, I press on. I look forward to what lies ahead. I’m so thankful to no longer be a lost desert wanderer.

Forget the former things;
    do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
    Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
    and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

It was Election Day 2016 and also the fourth night in our new home in the new town to which we had just moved. As usual, my husband and I got the kids to bed and settled in to watch some TV together. Based on the events of the day, the programming was all but decided for us, but we were excited to watch all the election news unfold. We felt we knew how it would all end up, but our sense of deep patriotism for our beloved country allowed us to watch it all unfold regardless of what the polls were already indicating.

As the night drew on, we moved from the living room to the bedroom to continue watching the coverage there. Joel ended up falling asleep, but I was still glued on the news. Eventually, my body must have caved to exhaustion as well, because the next thing I remember was waking up to see it was around 2:30 am, and the results I had been expecting had completely changed! What in the world? Donald Trump actually WON the election? Very few people on either side of the political fence anticipated that announcement. I immediately woke Joel up and said, “You’ve got to see this!”

For the next hour or so, we laid there together watching the continuing coverage unfold with the news that shocked even us. Eventually, I remember saying, “Alrighty then. Well, there you have it. Let’s go back to sleep.” And…sleep we did!

While the unprecedented political memories from that day certainly stand out, what I remember most is this…laying in bed with my husband in this home. I know that sounds strange, but allow me to elaborate. What I obviously didn’t know then was that our days together were soon coming to an end. In just a short 3 1/2 months, my husband would be in Heaven. I would be widowed for the second time, and I would begin solo parenting our four young adopted children. Even though we had 3 1/2 more months together, the night of the Election in 2016 was the only night I remember sleeping in the bed with my husband.

After having gone through losing a spouse twice, I’ve learned the body has a way of buffering our shock and deep pain by covering up memories. It’s true! I have many precious memories of my years with Joel, but I have very few from our last few months together. Election night 2016 is one of them, Christmas that same year is another, and our big snow in January 2017 was another one. That’s really about it until Joel entered the hospital a few days before his death in February 2017.

I’ve often wondered why my memories are so few during our last months together. Perhaps it was because it was a very stressful time in our lives with having just moved and everything associated with that. Perhaps it was because we were in throes of getting our adopted children established with medical and therapy providers in our new town while still trying to keep up with some necessary visits in our previous town. Perhaps it was the rush of the holidays and several January birthdays soon to follow. I honestly don’t know, but what I do know is this…

I’ll never forget Election Day 2016, because it was the last time I actually remember sleeping with my husband (even though we did so every night that followed until his hospitalization). Tonight, I’ll do the same thing I did four years ago. I’ll get the kids to bed, and I’ll hunker down to watch the election coverage on TV. I’ll eventually probably move to the bedroom to finish watching there until I fall asleep, but this time I’ll be watching without my husband beside me. This time, I won’t have him to wake up in the middle of the night with any updates. This time…

Lost in the Desert

What I Remember Most About the 2016 Election (and it’s Not What You Might Think)