Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

I. Am. Angry.

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I know the emotion of anger is a common one of grief. I probably experienced it more times than I can count the first time I became a widow.

I’ve encountered small bouts of it already in my 11 days on this grief journey. Yesterday, however, beat all. I felt I had “anger overload”. Everything set me off…the littlest of things caused me to short-fuse. I couldn’t point to one thing, in particular, that started this anger ball rolling…then again, YES I could…

MY HUSBAND JUST UNEXPECTEDLY DIED!!!

Friends, I’m trying so hard to be strong, especially for my children. And…just when I think I’m on top of everything, I fall apart and fail yet again. I thought it was hard to single parent one child through the paralyzing effects of grief (as I did the first time). This…this is entirely different. I have to be “on” all the time. I haven’t yet returned to work, but that will happen soon. Even so, my days are currently full with appointments and things related to Joel’s death. My evenings are full of being mommy to my littles, who are so desperate to figure out this “void” in our lives.

I am angry my children’s behavior has turned a bit south, and yet…I understand why.

I am angry I can’t seem to comfort them the way they need to be comforted right now.

I am angry I don’t have time to simply “sit and process” what has just taken place in our lives and think through the next steps, because I can’t stop “doing”.

I am very angry I’ve been asked to walk the road of widowhood TWICE in less than six years.

I am very angry our adopted children don’t have an earthly daddy anymore.

I am very angry our baby Austyn will likely not remember the amazing man who gave him his last name.

I am angry we just moved into this new home that was to be our forever home, and we still have boxes to unpack and never had the chance to make it OURS.

I am angry there are multiple unfinished projects all over this house.

I am angry I can’t seem to intellectually figure out what happened to Joel that led to him leaving us so soon.

I am angry that nothing brings me lasting joy right now.

I am angry my 3-year-old kicks and screams when being dropped off at preschool now, because he can’t trust mommy will come back. (And…while I say I will, the truth is…we never know when we’ll be called home.) I simply want to hold him, assure him, and comfort his broken heart.

Even within this extreme battle of anger I’m dealing with, I still have my faith. I still trust God’s plan is ALWAYS better. Always. I may not understand. I may be angry. Yet…He can see the big picture I can’t see. And…for that…I trust Him.

I also know He understands my anger and can handle it. Please pray for me/us! The pain remains excruciating.

Back in Deep Waters

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Here I am again…somewhere between what feels like a cruel joke and utter insanity. I am in a place of complete shock. Extreme pain. A pit of sadness that seems to have no bottom floor. Twice widowed in less than six years.

I have asked God over and over…how can this be? How can someone be so much alive one day and simply gone two days later? I don’t have the answer yet, and I may not this side of Heaven, but I still trust Him!

For all who have asked, we’re not exactly sure what happened, but my precious Joel got sick, had a successful surgery and at some point in the hours following surgery – he contracted double pneumonia and sepsis. His body went into septic shock, and he never recovered. With his family surrounding him, and with my hands on his head and chest…he entered into His one true home of Heaven at 12:37 am on February 12.

I still lie awake at night, expecting him to come join me in our bed so we can chat about the day and dream about our future. There have been so many times over the last eight days where I’ve had to stop myself from saying, “Let me check with Joel…” I simply can’t believe it’s over. Our beautiful marriage of only 4.5 years, and our life together with four newly adopted little ones. What happened?

I’m grieving like I’ve never grieved before. I’m trying to be strong for our children, but…in doing so…my grief bottles up for a time, and when it finally pours out when their little eyes aren’t looking, it hurts so deeply.

We’ve had an outpouring of love upon our family. Meals coming in daily; monetary gifts through GoFundMe, MealTrain, PayPal, and in cards; car maintenance; house cleaning; laundry; playing with the children while I rest my brain; two meals for our family on the day of the service and burial (in two different towns hours apart) and so much more!! My mind can’t even conceive how deeply we’re being loved on. People continue to ask how they can help, but I honestly can’t think at this point to create a list. As a I told the principal this morning at the school where three of our children attend, “Simply do whatever God leads you to do.” He knows our needs – the immediate ones and those down the road. Allow Him to guide you.

Thank you for your love, your prayers (which are completely sustaining us right now), and your concern. While I’m deep in the darkness of the tunnel right now, I will one day see light again. And…I know He rescued me from these deep waters before, and He’ll do it again. Until then…I hurt…