Grief / Widowhood Archives - Page 52 of 84

Another change is taking place. No…I’m not talking about THE change ladies. This one is a little different.

I suddenly don’t like visiting the cemetery where my late husband is buried.

There, I admitted it. I noticed glimpses of this transition happening several months ago actually. After Chris died, I actually found solace at the cemetery and spent A LOT OF TIME there. Some would probably argue I spent way more time than was normal, but it felt good to me. I know he’s not there, but I guess those early months allowed me to feel a tad bit closer to him. And, truth be told, I felt closer to God there too (here’s a post from one of those times). There were also times where visiting the cemetery produced “nothing” in me…like THIS time. But, never had trips to Chris’ grave site produced feelings of uneasiness like it does now.

I last visited on the second anniversary of his death (in May). I made time to check on the flowers to make sure they didn’t need to be changed out with one of the other silk arrangements I have. My daughter went with me. We talked a little, laughed a little, and simply recollected times past. But, the entire time I was there, I felt out of place…totally uneasy…like I needed to get out of there as soon as possible

I know…this sounds strange…but, I also know many widows that have expressed to me they never had the desire to visit their husband’s grave even one time after the burial. They felt like that was closure enough, and they couldn’t move on in their grief if they had to do it from there. I understood that too. Everyone grieves differently.

I still didn’t see this coming. Even though I’m very happily remarried now, I still struggled with the thoughts of moving out of the area one day (even though I fully intend to), because I worried about what would become of Chris’ grave site. Who would keep the flowers looking fresh? And yet…I think in some subtle ways, God is already preparing me for that time…whether it be tomorrow or 20 years from now. He’s already allowing me to experience the detachment from needing to go there. As it is, I now only visit about 3-4 times/year, and that is usually around season changes, because I typically swap out the flowers to “match” the season.

This certainly doesn’t mean I no longer care or that I’m trying to erase him from my memory. Hardly. That would be impossible anyway, at least as long as I’m capable of remembering. But, I think God is “releasing” me from the need to be there as often as I’ve been in the past. And…perhaps from the need to feel like I have to change out the flowers with each season. I’ll let God continue to guide me on that one.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
~Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

I remember the first time I laid eyes on her. My eyes were red and swollen from crying, and her smile was full, yet tender. Her eyes spoke to me…they knew my pain. She opened her arms, and we hugged for the first time. I knew who she was, even though I’d never met her before. We had a mutual friend, who told her about me. She wanted to be there for me on this day, in particular. This was the day of my late husband’s funeral.

Just nine months prior, Kathy also said goodbye to her husband, Fred, following his tragic suicide. She was already that much more ahead of me on Grief Road. She knew the awfulness of the days ahead, and she could pray for me like few others could. It’s amazing how the Holy Spirit drew us together.

I remember when she drove to the house one evening to visit with me. It had been several weeks since Chris had died. She knew the time would come when we would need this time together. The time had arrived indeed. She stayed and talked/prayed with me for hours, but yet it only felt like a few minutes. When she spoke, I felt as if the Lord God Himself was speaking to me. I knew He gave her the words to share. Again, such tenderness…yet boldness (an example of the lion and the lamb rolled into one)!

Kathy had her share of bad days. I remember several times the Lord prompted me to pray for her, and without fail, I would discover later (often just in reading her Facebook posts) the very reason for the prayer prompting. At the same time, I could see and sense the Lord brewing a mighty work in Kathy. You see – Kathy also spent her share of time in “deep waters”, much like me. God had already reached for her…He had already rescued her…and, He has restored her and is continuing do so until He calls her home!

Fast forward a couple years, Kathy is this very day in the nation of Pakistan! Yes…you read that right…Pakistan! She’s teaching these hungry people all about Abba! She’s living out a restored life! I’ve been following her status updates, looking at all of her pictures, interceding in prayer for her while she’s away. Just yesterday morning, we were chatting on Facebook, and Kathy made the comment, “Would you have believed what He is doing through both of us?”

In my finite mind…definitely not. But, in my Spirit-filled mind…absolutely!

God is Who He says He is! He will do what He says He can do! Kathy (and I) are living proof of His miraculous power! Only God, my friends. Only God!