Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

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Locked Up! (a Freedom Friday post)

April 12, 2013 by Leah Stirewalt 1 Comment

To continue the “unveiling” of some new blog themes I’m going to try for awhile (to aid in accountability with consistent posting, among other things)…welcome to Freedom Friday! I hope you were able to visit this past week for my first Makeover Monday and again on Whimsical Wednesday. Today…I return to a more life application/devotional type posting. That’s “Christianese-speak” for I’ve experienced a LOT of junk in life, and I’m still here to tell about it. Maybe you can relate?

Prison Pic

I’ve been in prison.

Whoa…wait…don’t run away. Let me explain.

I’ve not been in the type of prison you might be picturing…the one in the movies with the “bad guys” behind heavy steel bars wearing orange jumpsuits. Although, in many respects, my prison experience might have been just as bad. No – I’m certainly not trying to diminish life behind those “real” bars. I have come to love some precious women friends that I correspond with, on occasion, who are living in very real prisons as a result of some mistakes they’ve made along life’s journey. Their prison experience is nothing to belittle. It’s hard. It’s lonely. It’s real.

But, I’ve allowed myself to be locked up…in my own self-made prison. The one I’ve crawled into with every life-altering, life-damaging, difficult situation I’ve ever endured. At times, I’ve served a longer sentence than at other times. My prison became a place of refuge…a place of escape in all actuality. I didn’t have to face the situation that ushered me there…I just had to “do my time”. The “punishment” may have been self-imposed, at times, feeling like I deserved it. However, there were many other times where I was thrust into a prison – NOT of my own choosing – by circumstances out of my control. In either scenario…my response to the “prison-induced punishment” was my own.

I don’t know about you, but I’ve endured some pretty shocking…let’s just call it “yuck”…in my life. You know the kind…stuff you might see in a Lifetime movie or daytime soap opera but don’t personally ever have to confront in “real life”. Then again, there are many of you that have walked paths much more horrific than mine. I’ve come to realize that it doesn’t matter the level of difficulty in the grand scheme of things…what matters is our response to it and our ability to allow ourselves to be healed from the damage that resulted from it.

Let me introduce you to a couple of men that I’ve come to call “friends” although I’ve never personally met them (yet)…their names, Paul and Silas.

Paul and Silas were unfairly imprisoned…they were stripped, severely beaten and then thrown into the INNER prison with their feet fastened in stocks. But…it’s what happens next that makes me smile…that makes me want to jump up and down, wildly clapping and hollering for joy…

“About midnight Paul and Silas were praying and singing hymns to God, and the prisoners were listening to them, and suddenly there was a great earthquake, so that the foundations of the prison were shaken. And immediately all the doors were opened, and everyone’s bonds were unfastened.” ~Acts 16:25-26, ESV

Did you notice what happened? AS they were praying and singing to God…they were set FREE! God didn’t set them free and then they chose to offer up praise to Him…it was while they were in the thick of it. I love those guys! It was their actions that I read about many years ago, coupled with the grace, love, and mercy of Jesus Christ that enabled God to set me free from several of my own prison experiences!

When my previous husband passed away…I entered another prison, of sorts. I grieved in that prison…HARD! But, at the beginning of my prison experience…within minutes of learning my husband had passed away…I CHOSE to offer up praise to God. I vividly remember sobbing and saying, “I still praise you God…I still praise you anyway.”

I had many dark, dark days…but, I still prayed…I still praised. Was it easy? Not. In. The. Least. But, I wanted to be well…and, I knew that if God could free Paul and Silas in the miraculous way that he did…He could certainly do that for me.

One day…He did! He unlocked my chains, and I began to walk in freedom. I stumbled at first…sometimes I even attempted to crawl back to prison, but I could almost hear Abba say, “No Leah. You can’t go there. I set you free, remember? Keep walking with me, and you’ll feel the effects of that freedom soon.” It took a little time, but I did just that.

I allowed God to shower me with grace and mercy.

I allowed God to heal me.

I allowed him to set me free!

Father, I lift up all my blog friends and readers to You right now. I pray and ask You to set free any of them that are still “locked up” in prisons for “time” You’ve never asked them to serve. I pray You would stir their hearts for the desire to have freedom…TRUE freedom that can only come from You. Show them how to pray again…show them how to praise again…or perhaps for the first time. Pour out Your love so deeply upon them that they can feel their chains loosening and eventually falling at their feet. Thank You, Lord, for setting us eternally free through the redemptive death of your Son, my Savior, Jesus. And…it’s in His name, I pray. Amen!

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Post Widowhood Anxiety

November 14, 2012 by Leah Stirewalt 3 Comments

Remarriage following widowhood has been a blessing. The funny thing is…I truly never expected or desired to be married again…UNTIL…God placed that desire in my heart when I met Joel. I had to laugh, because God continually reminds me that “Leah’s plans are not His plans”. But, His plans are ALWAYS better!

Considering Joel never experienced the death of a spouse, God prepared him to marry a woman that has…and all that can accompany a situation such as mine. While God has so graciously healed me in most areas as a result of losing my previous husband (Chris) to suicide, God is still healing me in another area…one I really didn’t see coming until I was thrust right in the middle of a circumstance that made my need of further healing evident. The issue? I’m deeply anxious whenever I don’t hear from my husband after a few hours. I know this sounds silly, but in all honesty, after dealing with Chris being “missing” for over 24 hours prior to discovering that he had died, I panic now when I’m unsure of Joel’s whereabouts.

Now, don’t get me wrong…I’m not worried about experiencing the same thing with Joel…not in the least. I guess I just worry that something’s happened to him.

The first time this happened (and I realized I had “issues”) was while we were still dating. He had a doctor’s appointment, and he told me he would call me after the appointment. However, the doctor happened to be running late (like that never happens…ha!). However, rather than acknowledging the possibility that the doctor could be running behind…I assumed the worst. I assumed Joel had run his car off the side of the mountain and was laying in a ditch somewhere unable to answer my call/texts. Terrified, I couldn’t seem to calm my anxious heart no matter what I tried. My mind raced with horrific thoughts faster than I could keep up with it. Whenever I allowed myself to think sensibly, I knew that I was overreacting, but I couldn’t get those possibilities to leave my mind.

I texted Joel a couple of times asking him to let me know where he was and if everything was okay. I left a couple of voicemails too. And…finally…after what seemed like hours (even though it was actually less than an hour)…he called. He was fine and explained the doctor delay. I felt like such a goober. How silly of me! I can’t live the rest of my life this way! But, my precious husband simply understood. He knew that the days of Chris’ disappearance and eventual discovery will be forever etched into my mind. While they won’t always “cripple” me the way they do now (at times) they will still be there. Joel acknowledged that he would be even more diligent to communicate at times like that day at the doctor’s office in light of all that’s happened. And…he does! I can’t tell you how much that’s meant to me.

I still look forward to the day that I no longer panic over silly little things or that I am able to kiss my husband goodbye in the morning as he leaves for work and not have that horrible thought that something’s going to happen to him in his commute. I look forward to not being continually “challenged” by Chris’ suicide in my day-to-day life. However, I also KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt how deep God’s healing has already been, and I KNOW that He’ll complete the work that He’s begun in me!

To my widow friends: continue to allow Him to heal you without being so hard on yourself. I think that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned along this journey. I always expect far more out of me than anyone else does. God just wants me to trust Him with each thought, each emotion, each step I take in this life on Earth that He’s so graciously given me. The rest? Leave it in His hands!

Isaiah so beautifully reminds me…

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Isaiah 26:3 (ESV)

Keep your mind set on Him, keep looking to Him, and watch what He can do!

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Meet Leah

Leah StirewaltI became "twice widowed" when my beloved prince, Joel, went to his Heavenly home after a brief and sudden illness on February 12, 2017. I’m in a place of shock and devastation, but I intend to use this format to journal my second widow journey, much like I did my first. It’s my open journal, my electronic oasis, and it’s often the place I find true healing as I allow myself to “come clean” with my feelings. Read More...

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