Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Cemetery Prayers and Cleansing Tears

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Yesterday on my way home from She Speaks, I felt a sudden urging to pull off the highway and pay a visit to the cemetery where Chris is buried. I had already experienced an emotion-packed weekend, and I was full of God’s love yet drained of energy at the same time. So, a cemetery visit really wasn’t my choice of activity at the time. Nevertheless…the tug didn’t leave, so I exited the interstate and made my way down the highway to the beautiful hillside memorial park.

I prayed as entered the wrought iron gates…

Please God, let me have the cemetery to myself. Please let nobody else be here right now.

I sensed I needed the time alone with God, in this place, with no “people distractions”.

Thankfully, He answered my simple prayer.

I cleaned up Chris’ marker, pulled a few weeds, emptied the rainwater out of the flower vase and then just walked around for a few minutes. I noticed some of Chris’ “neighbors” had changed. Some new ones had recently been laid to rest…Elizabeth joined her husband Oslo last December, but the marker was just recently laid. Mr. and Mrs. Will were now at rest beside each other as well. I continued my stroll amongst the graves and then just stopped.

What am I doing here Lord? I haven’t been here in several months. Why did you beckon me here? Why now?

Still nothing… I went and sat down in the grass atop Chris’ grave and just sat. I kept whispering…

Lord, why did you call me here? What do you have to say to me?

Still nothing…

The “Type A, wanna figure it all out” personality of mine was getting a bit unnerved. I knew I was supposed to stop here, but why…why today? It wasn’t just to tidy up the grave (it wasn’t that unkempt to begin with). I used to love to pray in the cemetery. Ever since Chris went Home to Heaven, I had spent many hours praying in this serene place…just not recently. And…so I sat…waiting…waiting on direction, a whisper, a nudging in my spirit…something to tell me why I was here at this particular time.

When nothing came…I just started praying, conversing with God…and, then it came.

A flood. Of tears. Lots and lots of tears. Prayers and more tears. Cleansing tears.

And then…I heard the whisper of His voice in my spirit…

Now, My daughter, that’s why I called you here. You’ve not been real with me lately…with your feelings, even in your prayers. You’ve been holding back. As I watched you worship Me and serve others this weekend, I knew you were on the verge. But, I had to bring you here, My daughter, to completely cleanse you…to get you to cry authentic tears. No holding back. I want ALL of you. Not fragments of you.

The tears continued, as He spoke to my heart. I had been trying to do too much…in my own strength. God doesn’t like it when I (we) do that. And, I was simply drained. He needed to bring me back to our “special place” in that cemetery, where He could empty me, cleanse me, and fill me back up. Much like He did as He healed me through the depths of grief many months ago. It was then He reached for me, and He rescued me out of the deep waters of darkness, and He’s been restoring me ever since.

He’s mobilizing me for the next steps I’m to take on this earthly journey of life we’re on together. He has amazing things planned, and He continues to wow me more and more every single day. But…He won’t stand for the fragmented Leah anymore…it’s all or nothing! And…this girl loves Him too much to not give all!

Thank you Lord for our cemetery prayers and cleansing tears!

A Letter to Holly

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Dear Holly,

My sweet daughter that I have yet to meet…I love you already with a love that could only come from our Creator – God Himself. I can’t wait to tell you all about Him!

I think of you all the time. I pray for you daily. I’m not even sure what you look like or your age, because I know that could change depending on when God allows you to come home to us. But, I know you. In my heart, I feel I already know you.

I don’t know your story just yet sweet girl. I don’t know why you were orphaned, but I do know that this God I can’t wait to tell you about has never left your side. Even though you can’t see Him, He’s there with you all the time. He’s also here with me…helping me to be patient as I wait for you in His perfect timing.

I admit that I don’t understand why adoption has to be so difficult sometimes. I don’t understand why it costs so much money. I don’t understand why there are some people with abundant resources that could write one check to cover your expenses, but they hold so tightly to that which was never theirs to begin with. And yet…God is bigger than all of my questions…bigger than all of my frustrations…bigger than any dollar amount!

Although my days of widowhood are coming to an end (only by God’s grace and mercy), He knows that I understand your plight better than most, because I have been an “orphan” of a different type. That’s why I think he called me to adopt you while I was still a widow…knowing that He gets all the glory for it! He matched us up – you and me, my daughter. He gave your birth mother the blessing of bringing you into this world, and yet He knew I would also be called your mother. I cry as I write those words to you. To think, He loves us so much that He’s already handpicked us for each other.

And now…He’s handpicked a daddy for you too. God knew my willingness to adopt as a single mom. I never asked Him for more, but He’s blessed me…and YOU, my girl…with someone that is ready to call you his own as well. I can’t wait until you find out for yourself how great this God is that I speak of…He’s more wonderful than any word I type can convey.

So, while you wait…yes the waiting is hard for both of us…I pray that you know you are loved! I pray that you know we’re coming for you sweetheart! I pray that the people caring for you now are taking such good care of you that deep loneliness doesn’t take root in your life. I pray that you stay healthy. And…I pray that you start to feel God’s love surrounding you…even if it’s something you have yet to understand.

You, my daughter, are a blessing that I can’t wait to wrap my arms around! I love you sweet Holly (my little Holly-lujah!)!