Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Dear Chris…

by 8 Comments

Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And…the tears. Oh…I’m finding that on days like today, they don’t cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can’t even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It’s like when you talk with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or…even with you, babe. I’ve said those words whenever we’ve been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now…those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can’t wait for that day. Until then…I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He’s doing. Oh…I pray so. I pray that you can see that I’m really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you’d want me to live life to the fullest, because that’s what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney trip…you know…the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I’m an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago…even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything…even football! Well, I’m still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And…I’ll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won’t be sad to lose to this season…only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And…speaking of special Christmas trees…we’re doing one for you this year. It’s a tree in memory of you. Yes…it’ll be a REAL one! I know you well – no artificial trees! But, when I say WE…I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn’t do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to think…you get to be at Jesus’ birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the “Chris Tree” when it’s all finished. As ornaments are starting to arrive…my excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh…if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don’t have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. And…so they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people’s expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am – at least for now. I’m not a pretty picture, but I’m real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. Somehow…it offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!

Leah

Tidal Waves at Disney

by 1 Comment

If you were able to read yesterday’s post about our recent trip to Disney over Labor Day Weekend, then you know that we had a blast. The time I was able to spend with my daughter was nothing short of treasure-filled. We needed that FUN time together…away from the heartache and stress-filled days of the last 18 weeks. And…we were blessed.

But, even within that blessing, a few tidal waves of grief still appeared. Two of them, I handled slightly better than the other. Regardless…the waves threatened to suffocate me.

While sitting in the airport waiting to board our flight to Orlando, I was suddenly – and, I mean suddenly – overcome with emotion over missing Chris. All I could think at the time…

He should be on this trip with us.

Why are we going on a mini “family” vacation when we’re missing a key member of our family?

What was I thinking in trying to do this so soon after Chris’ death?

So…I did what I always do in these little panic moments. First, I prayed…”God help me!” Then…I texted, Tweeted, Facebooked, and/or emailed a need for others to pray for me. I know, beyond all doubt, that the reason I’ve made it this far in the grieving process is because of all the prayers lifted up on my behalf! For that, I am so very thankful! God carried me quickly through that mini “panic attack” and re-directed my mind back to Him and to my time with Anna!

Tidal wave number 2 arrived on Sunday – the 4 month anniversary of the day Chris’ body was found. I never really spoke of it on that day to Anna. I really tried hard to go on “business as usual” throughout the day. However, I found myself unusually cranky at times. I blamed it on the heat. I blamed it on the crowds. Finally, I had to face the fact that it was all me. I felt guilty for having fun at Disneyworld when only 4 short months before, I was being delivered the news of my husband’s suicide. Guilt – as I have learned – is a byproduct of grief, a natural emotional response. Even so, it’s not healthy to remain there. So, I had to emotionally move forward…Chris would want us doing exactly what we were doing. We were actually planning a family vacation to Disney in 2012, and he was so excited about it. It was just happening a little earlier and with one less of us.

The third tidal wave…I didn’t handle so well. It was actually so minor in the grand scheme of things, but so HUGE to me at the time. Right after Chris’ death in early May, I started wearing his sunglasses. It was such a trivial little thing, but for me, it brought a sense of closeness to him. Silly as it sounds, those cheap Walmart sunglasses brought me comfort. Of course, they went to Disney with me, as well! Our last day at the parks was spent at Hollywood Studios. On one of the 4-D movie rides, I realized I should have probably taken off my sunglasses for fear of them bouncing off my head. So, I gave them to Anna and asked her to put them in the netting under her seat made to hold belongings (since mine was already full with my camera bag).

After the ride was over, we went to gather our belongings, but Anna couldn’t find the sunglasses. Then, I crawled under and started to look for them. I looked as long as I could, but they were loading up another group of riders, so I had to vacate the ride. The sunglasses. Were. Gone. And just like that…I felt another dagger pierce my heart. I even took my frustration out on Anna a little. I didn’t blame her, but my response and body language said otherwise. It was truly my fault. I should have been more responsible with them, so in all honesty, I was very upset and angry at myself. All this emotion over a little pair of cheap sunglasses.

But…that’s just it. It’s those secondary losses…the other parts of the greater loss (of my husband) that continue to show up in the tidal waves of grief. Yes, it was just sunglasses. They could easily be replaced. But, they were the same sunglasses that had rested on husband’s head, that had protected my husband’s eyes, that been held by my husband’s large hands. Those could never be replaced. Then again…neither can he.

I apologized to my sweet girl for my abrupt reaction. I replaced the sunglasses. And…I moved on. I continue “surfing the waves”…until the next one sweeps over me. But…even so…I will NOT drown!

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,
I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
you will not be burned up;
the flames will not consume you.