Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

It’s Like Saying “See Ya Later”

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“I’m praying for you.”

“We’re keeping you in our prayers.”

“I said a little prayer for you today.”

“Praying…”

These are all statements that make me smile…and cringe…all at the same time. Yes. I just said it. Sometimes, having someone say, “I’m praying for you” makes me cringe, because it often means nothing more than a greeting. Like “see ya later” or “catch up with ya soon”.

Now, before I go any further, please note…I know that there are some serious prayer warriors out there, and I am personally indebted to each of you who have lifted my name to the throne of God on countless occasions. You have no idea what your prayer love does for my grieving spirit.

But…I am also not that naive to think that everybody that tells me they’re praying for me is actually doing it. You know why? Because I used to be that person. How ’bout that for a little guilt-laced transparency?

“Back in the day”, it was a simple Christian-ese expression of mine to offer to pray for someone, or to say that I was when someone offered up their heartfelt needs for prayer. It’s not that I didn’t care. I truly did. And…my intentions to pray were always there. But, I would far too often (not always) forget to follow through on my intentions as I fell back in line with my own selfish desires. That’s painful to admit, but true.

However, that was over 8 years ago. And, since that time…you can bet your last dollar that if I tell you I’m praying for you…I’m doing it. Often – I do it right after I’m asked (if I can). It’s that important to me. I know how desperately I need the prayers of faithful people carrying me through, so I sure as well intend to be just as faithful when I pray.

People are not only counting on us to do what we say we’re doing, often they are begging us too. What if you were the one that had…

a child dying of cancer…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

a spouse that just left you…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

no job and no immediate prospects…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

a family member claiming atheism…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

a marriage on the brink of disaster…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

a home that just burned down with all of your earthly possessions…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

a spouse that just committed suicide…wouldn’t you be begging for prayer?

I shudder to think that it takes these kinds of disasters to wake us up out of the complacent places of prayer that so many of us currently live. So, today, I beg you…

Don’t tell someone you’re praying for them unless you really mean it. Your prayer just might be the only one offered up on their behalf that day, and it might be just the thing that makes their heart sing.

And, please…please…please if this is an area of struggle for you, ask God to show you a glimpse of His hurting children through His eyes. Just a glimpse. I guarantee…you’ll fall to your knees. I pray you don’t have to experience the same type of suffering to truly understand the desperate cries for prayer and the expectation that people are taking seriously your offer of prayer on their behalf.

It’s not just a salutation or a “see ya later”…to many, it’s their last hope. Think about that…your prayer…might be their last hope. You never know the power in that simple act of obedience.

I love you, and I DO pray for my blog friends! 🙂 Be blessed!

Dear Chris…

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Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And…the tears. Oh…I’m finding that on days like today, they don’t cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can’t even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It’s like when you talk with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or…even with you, babe. I’ve said those words whenever we’ve been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now…those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can’t wait for that day. Until then…I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He’s doing. Oh…I pray so. I pray that you can see that I’m really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you’d want me to live life to the fullest, because that’s what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney trip…you know…the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I’m an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago…even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything…even football! Well, I’m still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And…I’ll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won’t be sad to lose to this season…only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And…speaking of special Christmas trees…we’re doing one for you this year. It’s a tree in memory of you. Yes…it’ll be a REAL one! I know you well – no artificial trees! But, when I say WE…I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn’t do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to think…you get to be at Jesus’ birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the “Chris Tree” when it’s all finished. As ornaments are starting to arrive…my excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh…if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don’t have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. And…so they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people’s expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am – at least for now. I’m not a pretty picture, but I’m real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. Somehow…it offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!

Leah