13 weeks today:

– My husband’s lifeless body was found in the woods, a result of his own suicide.

– My husband was completely healed of any mental illness and anguish that took over in his final days, as He entered the gates of heaven and the arms of Jesus.

– I discovered the depth of my life’s greatest sorrow.

– I learned how loved I am by those closest to me, as they cared for my broken heart and broken spirit.

– Life, as I knew it, stopped.

Now, 13 weeks later:

– My own body is regaining life…little by little.

– I am being healed of mental anguish and unspeakable grief…again, little by little, and I know this will be a lifelong process.

– I continue to feel the depth of my life’s greatest sorrow daily.

– While I continue to feel the love of friends, God remains most active in caring for my broken heart and broken spirit.

– Life, as I know it, is changing…is scary…is painful…is brief…is mine to live to fulfill God’s purpose, and His purpose alone.

I miss you so much Chris. My heart aches for you. I love you deeply. I can’t wait to see you again! Come quickly Lord Jesus!

It’s the little things that get me. Those that many never having walked this journey of losing a spouse might label insignificant. But to me…everything seems significant while grieving. Just as I’m learning to thank God for all the little things – no matter how small – I also tend to notice the little things that create a jolt of pain in me.

Last week, I was addressing an envelope to a woman that I know is recently divorced, and as I wrote out the salutation…Ms…it hit me. I wonder how she felt going from Mrs to Ms. I wonder what she felt having to remove her “R”. Did she do so herself, or was it thrust upon her by the mail she received?

My grandmother was divorced after 35 years of marriage, and she never stopped using Mrs as her salutation. In her heart, she was still married, as her vow still stood.

Interestingly, that’s how I feel. I’m not ready to lose my R. I still feel married. And, while I know that’s not physically true…it’s still painful to see on paper, going from Mrs to Ms. It feels like an abandonment of sorts. I didn’t choose to give up my R. My R left me.

But, in His own gentle way, God reminded me that He hasn’t abandoned me and never will (Hebrews 13:5). And, He also showed me something that I know, but it hasn’t sunk in yet: God is my Husband now (Isaiah 54:4-5). While I know these things to be true – beyond a shadow of a doubt…

I still miss my R.