I shared on a previous blog how I went back last week to the site where my husband took his own life back in May. You can read more about that visit by clicking here.

My daughter has also been asking to go there as well. She felt that seeing it with her own eyes would help with some closure (like mother, like daughter). So, this afternoon, we took off towards the dense woods with a couple of friends to revisit what has become a rather sacred place to me.

This time, I spent some time really up close and personal checking out greater details of the area…

The stream behind the campsite…

The tree with a “Y” shape, much like my own question (Why?)…

The spot where my husband took his last breath…

After about 30 minutes, we decided to head back to the car to prepare to leave. One of the ladies in the group picked up a couple of stones from the area as a keepsake, of sorts. She called them her “Chris stones”. Well, of course, we had to follow suit…so the rest of us headed back down to the campsite to search for our own Chris stones.

Being at the tail end of the group, my friend directly in front of me bent down and picked up a stone and said, “I’ve found your stone.” I looked at her questioningly, but she told me to close my eyes and hold out my hand.

I obeyed.

And, in my hand, she placed this…

Another kiss from heaven…

I’m now 10 weeks in…10 weeks of discovering this new thing (to me)…grief. I can attest quite frankly…IT STINKS! So far, there has been nothing beautiful, nothing magical, nothing glorifying about this process…it simply stinks.

Now, while being a “Negative Nancy”, I’m also totally convinced that something beautiful and God-glorifying will come out of this. Because, I KNOW “that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28) Well, boy do I love Him, and I’m blessed to be called according to His purpose (even though I’m still trying to figure out exactly what that might be).

However, in the meantime…grieving stinks.

Today, I turned another page. I began professional counseling. I know…I know…some of you might be thinking…just now? Yep – the thought crossed my mind too. However, I honestly thought I could “handle” things with my own little therapy concoction, and it simply wasn’t enough. I needed more help.

I knew that my therapy session would be nothing short of difficult, but that was an understatement. It was raw. It was real. It was what I needed. But…it stunk! Thankfully, God led me to somebody very experienced in grief counseling, and he knew just how to get to those places that others quite can’t reach, including me. And…it hurt.

Friends, I also think I’m just beginning to go down some of the dark roads of grief. Unfortunately, there is no simple formula in this process. Everybody experiences it differently, and I’ve heard the ocean analogy several times now, which makes the most sense to me. Sometimes, I’m out there just relaxing in the waves…softly floating up and down, and then out of nowhere…a wave comes crashing in over my head. I’ll come back, catch my breath…start the gentle float again…then comes another one. So true. So true. My experience with grief exactly so far!

And now, here I am about a week away from my beloved She Speaks conference in Concord, NC. This precious time spent with my sister speakers, writers, and ministry leaders. A time for refreshment, renewal, education, fun, fellowship, and worship. I’m supposed to be speaking again this year in another evaluation group. I have nothing on paper. I have just limited thoughts on what I’m to speak on. I have fears of falling apart. And, all I want to do is experience the love of Christ all over me that weekend, like I did last year. But, I’m afraid this grief “thing” might get in the way of a beautiful weekend. And that would most definitely…stink!