Thanks to each of you that have been faithfully following this journey of grief I’ve been traveling. Thank you for the massive amounts of love and prayer I’ve received. I know this is a result of being so transparent, because otherwise…you probably wouldn’t even know this recent tragedy I’ve experienced ever even happened in the first place.

However, being transparent also comes with a cost. It allows folks to see a snippet of you…but not enough to make fair judgments. It allows people to faithfully pray for you when you ask for it…but when you might be a little blog or social media quiet, it’s easier to forget. I understand that. We all have lives to live, which include our own set of difficulties. But, being transparent also causes many people to want to offer advice, correction, rebukes in love, etc. over the way you should/should not be feeling. That’s where I’m struggling today.

Monday’s blog post is still what I’m clinging to…I CHOOSE JOY! Even in the midst of the pit that I’ve found myself back in today, I still choose joy. However, I find that there are some days that I find it a little easier than others. Today is not one of those days.

Today…I see Chris’ face in a picture on my phone, and my heart flutters with panic over suddenly realizing my loss all over again.

Today…I pick up a piece of paper that he’s written on, and I’m stopped in my tracks just staring at it and retracing every letter with my fingertip.

Today…I face the fact that while I’m progressing in many “normal” respects to what the “experts” say I should be doing, I’ve got a long way to go.

Today…I find myself angry over the lack of local support groups for CHRISTIANS that have lost a spouse to suicide.

Today…I am bewildered over the number of people that think I should act a certain way (or not post certain words) throughout this process “because I’m a Christian” and yet have never walked in my shoes.

Today…I am frustrated that I’m having to deal with this pain to begin with.

Today…I am angry over the fact that I should be excited about my upcoming She Speaks conference, but instead…I’m a bit overwhelmed and question quite often if I should even be there (don’t worry P31 gals…I’m still coming).

Today…I am overwhelmed at the amount of “stuff” still on my to-do list.

Today…I am probably in much greater need of a vacation more than ever, but that doesn’t appear to be in my near future.

Today…I STILL choose joy through this process. Today…I still give thanks for ALL of God’s blessings – some I have yet to see.

But, today…I felt the need to clear up the fact that I’m still hurting deeply, and it’s normal. I still have good days and bad days all mixed in together, and that’s also normal. But, unless you’ve walked exactly in my shoes…there will be a piece of this that you won’t understand. And…that’s also normal. Just please don’t judge my grief, and how I go at it. It hurts enough as it is. And, if it’s too painful to watch, you certainly don’t have to hang out here with me.

What Satan would love to see me do is “shut up” and internalize everything. Well, that is one thing I’m definitely not going to do. So, if you feel led to pray when I send out a prayer request…bless you and thank you! If you feel led to comment a word of encouragement…bless you and thank you!

Some posts are just going to be REAL and probably not too pretty. This is one of those, because I’m…

Continuing to heal…

July 4. Independence Day. A day of celebration for most. A day of dark memories for me.

Two months, to the day, my husband’s broken body was discovered deep in the woods, and I learned he had left me for his true Home. A day forever etched in my mind, and if I think too intently about it, grief implodes my heart to learn of another marriage ended.

I say “another marriage” as it was eight years ago – to the day – that my first marriage dissolved as well. God certainly redeemed the years eaten by locusts, but it tears at my heart to know that I had to walk the road of divorce. Many times, I thought it would be easier to be an inmate in a real prison, because the stigma of divorce, regardless of the reasons – of which most reading this will never know – the stigma…created a life of prison for me. Until…I chose joy. I chose to be joyful for that time, because God deeply revealed Himself to me then. He not only showed me who He is, but he unveiled who I am IN HIM!

So, as I chose joy eight years ago in the darkest of times, the deepest of failures and regrets and “why me’s?”… I couldn’t have imagined that now…I find myself two months beyond a time even darker. A time drenched with the greatest of sorrow over the loss of an earthly love greater than I’ve ever known. Again, I enter the “why me?” stage…again, I question my failures. Again, I choose joy. And, my friends…it IS a CHOICE! Joy doesn’t blanket me without my first choosing it to be my covering. Taking a fly over view of my circumstances produces no joy, but looking microscopically, I can’t help but choose joy.

I was deeply loved by this sweet man that, for vague reasons, took his own life.

I was given nearly three years of marital bliss with him. And, I do mean bliss!

I felt worthy of being loved again, as he reminded me daily how special I was to him.

But, you know why else I choose joy?

Because I AM deeply loved by a Precious King that chose to die for Me – insignificant me!

I have been given a future of being the redeemed bride of The Bridegroom, Who is even now preparing a marriage feast for me in Heaven! That is an eternal bliss that will never end!

I have been reminded by my one true Love that I am always worthy of His love – the only love that will ever be complete!

For that…

…on this day that the enemy seeks to steal from me
…on this day that the enemy wants to find me miserable and drowning in a pit of sorrow
…on this day that the Lord has made

…I CHOOSE JOY!