A couple of weeks ago in my Kissed By Heaven post, I noted how God had directed someone to bring cut flowers from her garden to me at work. I won’t repeat the entire store here (if you haven’t read it…just click on the link above to do so), but I can’t stress enough how SIGNIFICANT those flowers were to receive on that day – June 9th! Each month on the 9th, Chris would bring me flowers to celebrate our wedding anniversary (August 9). We weren’t once a year celebraters, we celebrated constantly. But, we always made a point to remember our wedding on the 9th of each month.

Well, I’m here to say…those flowers are STILL alive and well.

This pic was taken by my phone, so it’s not the best. However, these are my beautiful calla lilies.

Just within the last week…I’ve done a little further study on them.

1. I’ve learned that they are a native flower to the southern parts of Africa (most of you know that a piece of my heart lives in Africa).

2. They are a very popular wedding flower! That really made me smile.

When a friend and I were talking about them at work the other day, we noticed a couple of things…

1. There are 3 stems. I see them as representing Chris, Anna (the shorter one – ha!), and me. The lady that brought them never even thought about that. (Oh…but God did.)

2. Interestingly, we were married two full years and almost another full year. Hmmm…again 2 full stems and a shorter 3rd stem.

I know these are trivial, but right now…I’m looking for significance and “God winks” any place I can find them. These flowers amaze me! And, I honestly believe this sweet lady, who I met for the first time on June 9, has no idea how greatly God used her on that day! Praising Him for blessing us both…through calla lilies!

As the battle with grief continues to rage within me, I find I still struggle…

I struggle with suppressing my joyous memories of Chris, because they always end in heartbreaking tears. But, I also know that bottling my emotions isn’t healthy. I’m just so tired of crying.

I struggle with doubt. I so often doubt that I can be used by God anymore. I often feel like a “used up” woman that can never be effective in ministry again. I know that’s a lie from the father of lies, but I still feel that way more times that I can count.

I struggle with where to go from here. All the plans Chris and I made together for our future seem to have died as well. Sure there are some things that I can still do without him. But, the question now remains…do I even want to?

I struggle with words. I don’t know what to say much of the time…to people…on this blog…in my journal. I’m void of words and seem to just go through the motions of the day never really reaching a place of purpose.

I struggle with relationships. I feel like I’m being held and lifted up by so many and yet have very little to offer in return right now. That hurts, because I want to love each of you back the way you’re loving on me. And yet…I’m struggling with how to do that right now.

I struggle with energy. I have none. The basic things in life seem to zap me…preparing a meal, getting ready for work, paying bills, cleaning house, and sometimes…even reading a book. It all takes energy, and I don’t seem to have much right now.

I struggle in so many other areas that don’t even need to have space dedicated to them within this post.

But, one thing I do NOT struggle with…God is still God! God is still Good! God is still in control! And…God will be faithful to bring me through this!

But, in my flesh, I still struggle…