I knew many years ago that God was calling me to speak…to share the glory stories of his redemptive work in my life with every audience He gave me. I knew the difficult childhood I survived, the painful divorce I walked through with God’s glorious grace, and everything in between could be shared for the purpose of bringing hope to others that have yet to attain that Hope that I have found…and ultimately be shared to bring Glory to God. I got to a place of healing, and I started crying out, “Use me Lord. I’ll do anything you ask me do.”

God began to open doors for me to speak – even in Liberia, Africa last summer! And, I hesitantly went but wondered how He could use “little ‘ole me” to serve in such a God-craving nation as Liberia. How could I relate to these women? But…He already had that planned out too. My heart for serving women with “my story” grew deeper and deeper. And…so I prayed…”Use me Lord. I’ll do anything you ask me do.”

My most recent speaking event took me to Western Kentucky. I instantly felt a connection to this group of women and the community, in general. As I hugged their necks at the end of the event, women shared the little nuggets that would remain with them from my message. They shared how hearing the ways God redeemed my life gave them redemptive hope following deep pain. They loved on me with genuine agape love. And…again…I cried out to God, “Use me Lord. I’ll do anything you ask me do.”

Then came May 4.

My husband left me for his eternal home.

My heart broke in two.

And, I heard God whisper to my heart, “I will use you Leah. Are you still willing to do anything I ask you to do?”

Not this Lord. PLEASE…not this! I didn’t sign up for this!

But…again I prayed, while weeping…”Yes Lord. Please heal my broken heart and use me. I’ll do anything you ask me to do.”

When I shared with my friend that I thought I needed to start blogging again, especially in light of my husband’s tragic death, she agreed on one condition…”no pretty bows”. She was quick to remind me that my tendency in blogging is no matter how humorous, how serious, or how painful my posts are…I tend to wrap them up and place a pretty bow on top. She was right. I may not always succeed, but that is my intent, because I want to offer hope…hope to my readers that regardless of life’s sufferings…there is always Hope.

While I still believe that with everything in me, right now my posts will tend to be more reflective of my pain. My very raw pain. I’m still learning to cope. I’m still asking questions. I’m still begging God to let this simply be a bad dream. So, if you choose to continue to read along and share this journey with me…just know that I’m temporarily out of pretty bows. The wrapping might be ugly, but it’s very, very real.

Last night and this morning I’ve been stuck. Stuck in realizing that not only did my husband die last week but all of our hopes and dreams that we talked about died too. I’m not only grieving the loss of my best friend and true love, but I’m grieving the loss of our dreams of…

1. …restored fertility allowing more children.
2. …adopting from Ethiopia.
3. …me learning to scuba dive so that we could share in Chris’ passion for the sport together.
4. …owning a place at the beach, since we loved being at the ocean more than anywhere else.
5. …going on a mission trip TOGETHER.
6. …being debt free enabling us to live on very little and give most of it away. Chris’ passion for giving was unbelievable.
7. …growing old together.
8. …spoiling our grandbabies.
9. …going on a cruise for my 40th birthday next year.

My heart hurts more than I can express. My grief is greater than I can even fathom. And…right now I can’t think beyond today, because today is difficult enough. But, as my dear friends reminded me when they were visiting last night…”God has only promised you the grace for today.” Very true. So, for today…that’s where I settle…in my portion of grace allotted for me today.