I think this has to be the longest period of “non-blogging” I’ve done since Chris’ death 11 months ago today. I’m sure some have thought I’ve fallen off the edge of the earth, or perhaps I’ve been going through a period of intense grief again, or maybe I’ve just been busy with adoption fundraising. Well, allow me to first set the record straight…

• I haven’t fall off the edge of the earth. 🙂
• I haven’t fallen into a period of intense grief again. Praise God!
• I HAVE been busy with adoption fundraising.

AND

• I’ve been experiencing heavy doses of God’s healing hand upon my broken heart! Yes, friends, I see light at the end of this dark tunnel!

In sharing with a friend recently, I acknowledged that I still have crying spells, but they are much shorter with longer times in between, and I’m honestly filled with joy over the restoration work that God is doing in my life. I’ve been overwhelmed with His faithfulness in REACHING for me…RESCUING me…and RESTORING me!

There is so much to share…but not yet. I’m overwhelmed at how merciful, faithful, gracious, and loving God has been towards me. He’s always these things, because they are attributes that define Him, but sometimes He allows me to see glimpses of His attributes in such life-defining ways. Now is one of those times.

As we march towards Resurrection Sunday, I not only know that His tomb is empty, but I also know that my grief “tomb” is empty. I’m no longer wrapped in sackcloth…I no longer carry the “stench” of death with me each day…I no longer lie in a position of defeat…I have been “resurrected”, in a sense from the guilt & shame associated with losing a spouse to suicide. I have been set free!!!!

WOW…it feels like forever since I’ve been here this week. I’ve updated the Adoption tab some but haven’t had a chance to write much beyond that. It’s been a mixed bag of a week. Here are the snippets…

About a month ago, I went on this “exercising frenzy” that included “Just Dance” marathons with my daughter using the Wii. In addition to being highly competitive (yes – I admit it – I wanted to outscore Anna…shame on me!), I’m also not as young as used to be (but still feel like a twenty-something on the inside). So, I twisted, and I danced, and I moved…apparently the wrong way. I woke up the morning after one of our dancing nights to throbbing knee pain. At first, I just sized it up to be “too much, too soon”, so I took a few days off. The pain never ended, so I took more days off from my exercising frenzy. To make a very long story a bit shorter…last week, I realized the pain wasn’t going away by any of my own measures. Actually…it was getting exponentially worse. Time to talk to the professionals.

And so…I went to see my regular doctor this week. After knee manipulation that about sent me flying through the roof with pain, I was told in no uncertain terms I was being referred to an orthopedic surgeon for further evaluation. One strong possibility is that I’ve torn a meniscus. Seriously? Now?

Needless to say, the 5K I had wanted to race in May in Chris’ memory will not be happening. So, if any of you had already agreed to run that with me…I’ll need to ask for a rain check. I’m sorely disappointed (pun not intended), but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Will you pray for me friends? My appointment is next Thursday morning (if I can wait that long). Will you pray that the source of the pain is easily identified and easily remedied? Unfortunately, it’s very debilitating right now. Can’t walk without a lot of pain.

So, that was a bit of a frustration, but even with that…I’ve experienced a great deal of joy this week. Thinking of Holly in the Congo and longing to bring her home as quickly as possible has left me researching most evenings this week for all kinds of fundraising and financial resources to fund this adoption. The thoughts of rescuing this orphan and leading her to Christ gives me more joy than I can even explain. Knowing that Anna will finally have that sibling she’s prayed for since she first learned how to pray produces another round of incomparable joy. And…knowing that God will allow me to grow my family in this unique and treasured way…joy unspeakable!

However…here comes the frustration…as I’ve noted before the cost of the adoption will be anywhere from $30-35K. After the home study is done and approved, I’ll have so many more options for funding (specifically in grants). But now…now is the hardest…and yet, I press on. I am standing on God’s promises. He’s promised His faithfulness with provision. I just have to be obedient and follow His lead. My human mind wants it here now, so that I can move to Step 3, but God does always respond to my timing (usually doesn’t actually). Hence, I’m learning patience in the process.

As for my journey grief…I’ve discovered JOY in rounding a corner. There are still days that pain me (mostly due to loneliness), but I have far more good days than bad now. If you had told me that I would actually be able to feel this way last May – I wouldn’t have believed you. But, my Healer has been amazing, and He’s still taking me by the hand and leading me through this journey. And…I can’t imagine walking through it with anyone else.

And so…I wait…

I wait for healing in my knee.

I wait for the rest of the funds to come through to meet Step 2 of Holly’s adoption costs.

I rest in the peace I have in knowing my Savior is beside me – closer than the air I breathe – whispering into my ear…Trust me, daughter. And…that brings me immense joy.