Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Choosing HOPE is…Rebellious!

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A look of HOPE on my face just a little over 2 months after Chris' death.

Thursday nights typically finds me sitting in my GriefShare group. I began attending back in February, and I vividly remember the facilitator instructing us at the first session to just “stick it out” through the early weeks, because they would be the hardest. If we could just tough it out – we’d be so thankful during the later weeks.

Last week, I can honestly say I reached that point. The thankful point. The place where I’m so glad that I hung around, even though the weeks prior have been excrutiatingly painful to endure. Often, I walk into class full of smiles and walk out with no makeup left on my face due to all the shed tears. But, this week…I experienced a turning point.

The video session was about asking the “Why?” question. Oh boy…I knew I could relate to that one. I haven’t asked the why question so much about my husband’s death (except in the very beginning), but I have asked the question “why” about my life in general.

God, why has my life been so hard? Why can’t I just have my version of a “typical” family – consisting of a husband & a bunch of kids? Why have I had to experience hardship after hardship after hardship from my earliest memory until even now? Why am I surrounded by friends that have the type of families I dream about and yet I can never seem to attain it? Why, God…why?

Somewhere along this grief journey, I stopped asking why. At first, I think it was a choice made from the pit. In other words, I’ll just stop asking why, because it won’t matter anyway…this must just be my “lot” in life. Eventually, God pulled me gently out of the pit, and I realized that I didn’t need to ask why anymore, because I trust Him! Yes. I truly do trust Him. I don’t understand, but I trust that He knows best for me!

During last week’s GriefShare class and video session…I heard two very poignant statements that really resonated with me:

1) Focus on what we know to be true about God (the !) not the (?). Focus on the exclamations – those promises about Him that we can point to all throughout scripture that still apply to us today rather than on the questions – those things that we may never have answers to that might actually cripple us if we allow them.

2) Choosing hope is an act of rebellion! Think about that for a minute…choosing hope is an act of rebellion! It really is. It’s rebellious to the world’s “system” of values, and it’s definitely rebellious to the enemy’s plans for us. Satan wants us to curl up and die whenever we find ourselves in a “hopeless” situation. So, choosing hope – in spite of our circumstances – is like spitting in his face. I LOVE that!!! Choosing hope essentially means we’re choosing to TRUST that the God of the universe knows what’s best for us, regardless of how we may feel at the moment.

So, today I’m feeling a little rebellious…I’m choosing HOPE!

Big Announcement!

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I cannot tell you how excited I am to share this news with you especially considering how long it’s been “in the works”. So…in an effort to not keep you in suspense any longer…

I’ll share the news first, but then I’ll have to share the background story that brings us to this day. So, please stick around and keep reading…that’s the coolest part!

And now for the BIG announcement!!!! I’m adopting!!!!!!!! Yes – you read that right! I’ve just begun the process and am fully pursuing my desire to adopt a 5-year-old little girl from Congo (in Africa, for those geographically challenged – ha!).

I know some of you might be saying WHAAAAT? Believe me, I’ve been on my own emotional roller coaster over this the last few months, but here comes the amazing part.

Shortly after Chris died, I wrote a blog post about all of our dreams that died along with him. You can check out that post HERE  if you like.

Anyway, one of those dreams of ours was to adopt a little boy from Ethiopia. We had really just started seriously looking into it and had done nothing concrete, but we knew it was something we felt led to do. Well, we know how the rest of that story went. The love of my life left me for Heaven, and so I tucked away that dream forever (or so I thought…).

Little did I realize that at the same time I wrote that blog post referenced above, God was already weaving a new friend into my life. She read my post and knew then (but didn’t share with me then) that God revealed to her my dream wasn’t over. It might look a little different, but it wasn’t over. She hesitated to contact me for months, because she wanted to make sure she was being obedient to what she thought God was asking her to do rather than just do something out of her own desires. Additionally, she admitted she thought I might think she was crazy – this perfect “stranger” contacting me about pursuing my adoption dream.

Fast forwarding, my new friend Amy contacted me via Facebook in October. She revealed to me that she works for an adoption agency in addition to serving with her pastor husband as a missionary in Honduras every summer leading camps for orphans. She then went to say that she had been reading and following my blog and referenced the post where I had admitted my adoption dream was dead. She said, “I don’t believe it’s dead. And, if it’s something you still feel led to pursue, I can help you with that.”

Amy lives a couple of hours away but drove up to meet with me in early December and we chatted for hours about all of this. My mind was swirling. Prior to my meeting with her, I had a couple of conversations with some of my closest girlfriends, and I offered up my two biggest excuses, which I felt would be deal breakers: (1) I have NO money for adoption – NONE, ZERO, ZILCH, and (2) I felt terrible about bringing a child into a single parent home. Well, the first answer back was in regards to my excuse #2:

“So, it’s okay to leave a child in an orphanage without ANY parent?”

Ouch! I hadn’t thought of it that way. She was right! As for excuse #1: I’ve had many responses to that one, but the majority go something like this…

“Where would the faith be in this if you already had it all figured out?”

“Do you honestly believe God would call you to do this and not equip you?”

“God has called you to adopt…He will call others to financially support you in this.”

And…the lists went on and on.

So, I told Amy that I would take a couple of months to pray about it, and in the last couple of weeks, I’ve been fasting about it. I wanted to be perfectly clear that this was what God was calling me to do (even though I really already knew it). I guess I just had to throw out that “fleece” one more time.

I committed to the adoption process about a week and a half ago. I filled out my initial agency application and received my pre-approval back today! So, it’s begun!!!!

So, what’s next?

I need LOTS of prayer. I can’t underestimate that. A friend told me that it’s like I’m pregnant all over again, and she also reminded me that I’ll see some “stretch marks”. Friends, the enemy is not happy about this! I’ve already experienced some evidence of spiritual warfare, but God intervenes every single time. However, I must stand guard and be armed with prayer and God’s Word, and I need you to help me with that! This is much BIGGER than anything I can do on my own! Who knew that God would call me – a widow – to adopt an orphan from Africa??? I cry just thinking about it!

I also need ideas about ways to raise some quick money. After the Home Study is final and approved, I can apply for lots of grants and plan to apply for anything out there!!! It’s all in an effort to bring “Holly” (the name I’ll give her) home! However, prior to the Home Study, I have to raise $4050 IMMEDIATELY to be able to send to the agency to become their full-fledged client. I’ve been set up in the database as of today, but everything comes to a halt until the first payment is in. Following the $4050, I’ll be raising the money for the Home Study. I’m still not sure how much that will be, as I’m “shopping around”. So, I’m looking at all kinds of fundraising avenues – nothing is too small at this point, and God knows exactly where that $4050 is coming from and who He’s calling even now to help with that (either through direct gifts or through fundraising efforts on Holly’s behalf).

So, there you have it! My BIG news! Anna and I are beyond excited! You can hardly wipe the grins off our faces! Thanks for reading my “mini novel”. I’ll be adding a tab to this website with more specific details about my adoption news, as it progresses, so stay tuned for that.

I treasure each of you! God is soooo good! “Holly-lujah!!!!”

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. ~James 1:27