I knew it was coming. I’ve had too many good days and weeks to not learn to expect this next wave to be right around the corner. And…it came HARD last night. After posting my daughter’s grief poem yesterday, it would seem only fitting that I can now personally relate to the “tsunami-sized wave threatening to sweep everything in its path out to sea”. It “swept” by to visit me again and wants to take me away. I’m clinging to THE Life Preserver with everything I have right now.
What started this you might wonder? Well, honestly, so do I. Literally, I was doing my “normal” evening activities and had just laid my purse down in my bedroom, and the very next words I found my mouth uttering, “Chris, I want to talk to you so badly right now, baby. Actually, I can talk to you all the time, but I would do anything to hear you speak to me again.” The tears just starting gushing – much like they are now, as I type this. I. Am. So. Lonely. So. Lonely. So Lonely. I need to hear his voice so much. I know that I could go watch our wedding video and hear his voice then. But, I’ve only watched it once since he passed away, and it hurts too much to do so. I can’t do that again right now.
I’ve prayed so much since last night. I know God has heard every prayer, caught every tear, and has been holding me the entire time. But even knowing this, I still ache…I still feel loneliness…I still grieve for my husband…I still grieve the life I never was able to have with him.
Even so…
Please hear me when I say this…yet not my will, O Lord, not my will. I live to serve YOU. Through the tears, through sobs, through the loneliness, through the deep, deep pain…I want HIS will for me!
He took me to a passage in Exodus yesterday that I’ve read gobs of times before, but this time, I read it differently:
In Exodus 4, beginning with verse 10, Moses was beginning to give God the reason that he couldn’t be his spokesman to the Israelites, “O Lord, I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”
The Lord said to him, “Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
Well, we know the outcome of the story, God gave Moses a “helper” – Aaron – God ended up helping them both to speak and taught them both what to say.
For me, I have been in places these last nearly 10 months of grieving where I’ve really questioned God and His abilities. Shameful, I know. But, I have. However, in recent months…I’ve become to trust in the sovereignty of God more than I ever have in my life. Much like He had to remind Moses…(Leah Version): Who made your mouth and can tell it when to say something or when to zip it up? Who do you think allows you to see, and do you know that I can take sight away too at a moment’s notice? It’s me here, Moses! The God who made you, created the entire universe and yet loves you intimately and will take care of you and help you every single step of the way.
In much the same way, He’s had to do the same to me. We had a strong conversation together a few months ago, and it literally changed the course of my grief. I stopped fighting Him and just let Him carry me.
However, that doesn’t take away the imminent pain or sadness. It doesn’t immediately repair my shattered heart with the missing hole. It won’t bring my Chris back to me, and certainly doesn’t give me a “Get Out of Grief Free” card to play. I have to go through the good, bad, and ugly of all of it! But, He has promised to go through it with me and bring me out on the other side even better – if I just trust Him.
I DO trust Him…with everything! Today, I simply trust Him through tears.
