Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Time for Transparency

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I sit here typing these words completely EXHAUSTED.

No energy. Little desire. Brain drained. How’s that for some good news and encouragement?

I so badly wish I could bring you a post full of joy and wisdom. But, I simply don’t have it today. But, I can promise you that I’ll bring you a post reflecting an authentic me. I hope you don’t mind a little truth…transparency. Because, here it comes…

In trying to figure to figure out how I got to this emotional/physical place, I discovered several things I’ve been doing…

  1. Staying up way too late
  2. Eating the wrong foods (i.e. not cooking healthy meals at home)
  3. Playing mindless games on the computer
  4. Procrastinating with everything
  5. Forgetting important details
  6. Stressing over the fact that I’ve gained some weight
  7. Eating/drinking too much sugar

So why in the world am I doing these things you might ask?

  1. I’m staying up too late, because I’m not getting anything worthwhile done in the early evening hours.
  2. I’m not cooking healthy meals at home, because I can’t think through processing a grocery list, making menus, and cooking.
  3. I’m playing mindless games on the computer, because it’s just that…mindless.
  4. I’m procrastinating with everything, because I don’t want to deal with it now.
  5. I’m forgetting important details, because I’ve lost complete control over my organized personal life. Somehow I’m staying organized at work, but my personal life…that’s another story.
  6. I’m stressing over the fact that I’ve gained some weight, because I look terrible and feel miserable but have no energy to do anything about it.
  7. I’m eating and drinking too much sugar, because it makes me feel good – temporarily – until I step on the scale.

There you have it friends. That’s where I am in my grief journey. Not a great or healthy place to be. And, I think I’ve finally hit a brick wall. I’m at the place where I can’t take this vicious cycle anymore and yet I’m too exhausted to figure it out.

BUT…I’m drawing a line in the sand…RIGHT NOW.

It is written… “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” ~Matthew 11:28

My name – Leah – actually means “weary”. Go figure.

But, here I am sweet Lord, seeking the rest that You promise to give me as I come to You. I trust You – only You. Help me to become the woman You’ve crafted me to be. Allow me to reflect You in all Your glory! Heal me. Teach me. Change me. Mold me. Shape me more into Your likeness. I LONG to be more like You! Forgive me Lord for being anything less than what You’ve created me to be. 

Nine Months

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If you’re stopping by after reading my post on A Widow’s Might, welcome! Grab a cup of coffee or hot tea and stay awhile. I’d love to get to know you better!

Nine months. The first thing that crosses my mind when I hear that number is the approximate length of time it takes from conception to birth for a new baby to enter the world.

Each day of those nine months is critical in the healthy development of a newborn little girl or boy. Within the earliest weeks, the heart is formed. Soon to follow are the beginnings of arms, legs, fingers and toes. Not too much later, the sex organs appear, hair begins to grow, and the other organs develop. Each intricate step of the creation and development of a miniature human occurs during nine months of a normal pregnancy.

Nine months. The second thing I think of when I hear that number is the length of time I’ve been a widow. It’s the amount of time I’ve traveled what I not-so affectionately refer to often as Grief Road.

Unlike a pregnancy and the development of a fetus, there isn’t a pattern to follow in grief. There isn’t a predetermined number of days for the process to take place. It isn’t progressive, and it certainly it isn’t linear. And…sadly, for most widows, it doesn’t end.

While the various stages of grief may come to an end, grief in and of itself doesn’t typically end.  Someone may go years and years without shedding a tear over their deceased spouse, but then something unexpected can trigger tears at the most inopportune time. Remarriage may occur and true love may be experienced once again, and yet a smell, a sight, a sound, or something else might elicit a strong memory of that true love that ended too quickly with death, and grief may show up again (if even for a moment).

For me, I’m discovering that I want to embrace grief but I CHOOSE to not let it define me. And, it is most definitely a choice. I don’t embrace it, because I enjoy it. I embrace it, because I need to face the emotions that accompany grief in order to find healing. And…oh how I want to find healing! I CHOOSE to embrace it, because I want to help and comfort other women that will follow this journey behind me. I want to love on new widows the way that I’ve been loved on these first nine months. I CHOOSE to embrace grief, because I feel it’s the mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthy thing to do. Do, I WANT to do it? No. That’s the easy answer. But, I CHOOSE to do it.

These are difficult choices – some of the most difficult I’ve had to make in this life journey to date. But, it’s a choice, friends. And, it’s a choice I’m making.

What will the next nine months of this grief journey bring? Stay tuned…let’s find out together.

You are loved!