Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Do You Want to Get Well?

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Some time later, Jesus went up to Jerusalem for a feast of the Jews.  Now there is in Jerusalem near the Sheep Gate a pool, which in Aramaic is called Bethesda and which is surrounded by five covered colonnades.  Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed.  One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years.  When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”

 “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.”

 Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked. ~John 5:1-8 NIV
The words kept ringing in my ears…
Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well? Do you want to get well?
I remembered this very healing that took place at the pool of Bethesda when Jesus uttered these words, but I couldn’t remember the exact location and the context of the words. And so my search began…
I found the reference immediately and went right to John 5, and I studied. I read the words over and over. I even studied the Greek a bit. I went to my Bible software suite and studied it in a commentary. What are you trying to say to me here Lord?
Do you want to get well?
And…then I knew. I’ve been sick. Not in the physical sense that most would think of…cold, flu, virus…but heartsick, grief-sick. And, like the invalid here in this passage, I’ve been waiting on someone to help me into the “water”. My statements might sound something like this, however…
-I can’t do this. It’s just too hard.
-Everyone around me seems to be oblivious to how deeply I’m hurting.
-It’s easier to just stay where I’m at. Grief work is too hard.
-I’m putting on weight again. I seem to be going in reverse of what I should be doing.
-I’ve tried everything, but nothing seems to work anymore.

-I want healing, and I’m just too tired to do anything about it. Nobody seems to understand that.
For me, “the water” represents that which I can never reach. Like the invalid, I’ve had moments where I’ve simply laid there waiting on someone to help me. But everyone would run right past me. Like the invalid, I got used to my circumstances and eventually fell prey to them. I allowed them to overtake me at times (i.e. food). Like the invalid, I somewhat gave up the fight. I felt it was useless…I would never reach the “water”. 
But then the Holy Spirit quickened me with those words that wouldn’t go away. Do you want to get well? 
When I studied this passage, I realized a couple of things…
1) The invalid DID want to get well. He was just “stuck” in his misery.
2) Jesus was the only one that could help him see the way out of his misery.
3) The man had to obey Jesus’ instructions to receive his healing. 
4) The man no longer relied on anyone else to get to the healing waters. He stood up and walked. 
5) The man didn’t need the waters to be healed…he needed the Savior.
So what am I supposed to do with this Lord? What are you trying to say?
Do you want to get well?
Yes, Lord! I do! I desperately do!
Then, start walking. Nobody else will carry you where you need to go. But, trust in what I tell you to do, and you will have the strength to do it…without the aid of the “healing waters”. 
My healing may not yet be complete (and it may never be complete this side of heaven), but I’m walking friends…I’m putting one foot in front of the other, and I’m walking!

My Core Four

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If you’re popping over from my post on A Widow’s Might today, I’m so thrilled to say “welcome”!

One of the tangible ways God has poured out His lavish love on me these past 8 months of grief is through a group I have affectionately dubbed my Core Four!

My Core Four is not a group of fictitious superheroes (although, we’re working on names and costumes just for fun). It is a group of Jesus-loving women, uniquely gifted and I believe specifically called by God to come alongside me “at such a time as this”.

Let me first say, God has blessed me with an ARMY of support – not just these 4 ladies. I actually wanted to write a post calling out each name one-by-one and sharing how each person has served as the hands of feet of Jesus to Anna and/or me in these last 8 months. However, as I started formulating the list, it simply grew so large that I was afraid I would forget somebody. That’s a treasure in and of itself. And, I don’t take this “army” of support lightly.

However, there are times that I simply can’t share everything my heart actually feels on this blog or other social media outlet. It’s simply too painful, and honestly not very appropriate at times. That’s where my Core Four comes in.

These are the ladies I feel safe in sending a text message to at anytime of the day or night I can also call these ladies, and they will sit and listen even as I share no words – only sob. They are the ones that don’t always have the words to say but know the One that does and never fails to go to Him on my behalf. These four pray when they say they pray. I can also trust them with my deepest, most painful feelings, and I know they’ll give good guidance and won’t pretend to offer any advice not rooted in love. But, perhaps the greatest blessing I’ve received from these women (aside from prayer and encouragement) is the ability to speak truth to me. They will not allow me to pit-wallow without checking in to see what the latest cause might be. If unfounded, they will make sure the truths of God’s word have been spoken into my life. They keep me accountable to His Word, and oh how I need that! Its so very easy in times of despair to not believe anything anymore, to settle into a “woe is me attitude”

These four are from four different stages of life – 3 married, 1 divorced; 1 grandmother, 2 with young pre-school aged children, 1 with children of all ages, 3 work outside the home, 1 works inside the home. The closest any of them live from me is about 35 minutes away. So, they are not just a hop, jump, and a skip away. We actually communicate most frequently by phone, email, Facebook, and texting. I’ve also known each of them for varying lengths of time – one for 21 years, another for 3 years, and the last two for a little over two years. Regardless of time, God has uniquely knit us together, and they are true sisters to me!

Friends, it is not good for us to be alone. Jesus, Himself, surrounded Himself with the 12 men that became His disciples. God never meant for us to be in relationship alone. He made us for relationship – 1st with Himself, and secondly with each other.

One of the things that’s “haunted me” perhaps more than anything else about Chris’ suicide is this very thing. Granted, he had a small group of friends. A few guys that he would like to fish and hunt with, a few at church he would joke around with, some at work that he would cut up with, but I know he didn’t have a Core Four of his own. He didn’t have a group that he could go to with alarming text messages simply saying “Help me!” (Yes – I’ve sent those at times.) And – he certainly never let me in on the deep burdens of his mind and heart that led to his final action. Could it have had a different outcome if he allowed himself to be surrounded by a “Core Four” of his own? Honestly, I’ll never know the answer to that question.

I urge you, however. Allow yourself to immersed into a small body of close friends that can become your “Core”. If you don’t have that – ask God for it! He’ll provide those people, because I KNOW that He wants that for you. Just open your eyes to see them around you, and open your heart to accept their friendship and love. Don’t do this life alone. It’s simply too hard.