“A what?” I nearly fell out of my chair as I questioned what was just shared with me this past Monday by the physician’s assistant at my doctor’s office.
Nearly nine months from when I first noticed the pain in the mid-part of my back, I was finally hearing an initial diagnosis. I had all but chalked it up to being pain that would never be diagnosed…something that I would just learn to live with. Never did I expect to hear the words, “Well, the MRI did reveal that there IS something causing the pain. You have a tumor on your spine, or in the spinal region.”
Did I just hear that correctly? The “T” word?
“A what?” I asked the PA. She quickly repeated that it was a tumor that, for all intensive purposes, is believed to be benign. There appears to possibly be a second one, but it’s much smaller. The next few sentences sounded like a garbled bunch of words as I sat there motionless, barely breathing, as my shocked body reacted to the words that I never thought my ears would ever hear related to me. A tumor. Benign or not…there’s a supposed tumor in the area of my spine, and it doesn’t belong there.
Eventually, we got to the “next steps” part of the phone call. I was being referred to a neurosurgeon for further evaluation and a proposed treatment plan. And so…the waiting began…
And so did the research.
Inquiring minds had to know. And, I began researching every single medical word that had just been tossed out in regards to what might be wrong with me. A possible meningioma on the T5 and a smaller one on the T6 or perhaps a hemangioma. I looked up everything I could find (not always a good idea) including the type of treatment, etc. It’s very wide-ranging from doing nothing and just watching it for awhile to very invasive surgery to surgery + radiation, and some extreme cases surgery + radiation + chemo. Apparently these tumors are known for their reoccurrence. Lovely.
As the research began, so did the party pity.
If I’m being completely transparent, I have to admit…I cried, I worried, I panicked, I got angry, and my attitude just virtually stunk! “Can I not just get a break?” I asked God. As I cried out to Him over this new life urgency, I actually asked Him for a break. Yes. I Did. I’m ashamed to admit that my first response was not one of praise and thanksgiving for the word “benign” that I had just heard or the fact that He allowed this to come into my life after I was married again and had someone to walk through this with me or the fact that there are other people dealing with tumors much, much worse than what I had just been told was living in my body. No – instead – I ask Him to just give me a break.
I was ashamed, in part. Ashamed of the fact that after all God has brought me through that I was failing (at that moment) to trust Him with this too. I knew better. I had witnessed better. It was time to draw another line in the sand and stand on the promises I knew to be true.
God is sovereign. God is good. God loves me. That simply had to be enough for me right now.
That’s not to say I’m not praying. That’s not to say moments of worry never show up. That’s not to say that I was happy with this news.
But, God is ALWAYS sovereign. God is ALWAYS good. God ABUNDANTLY loves me!
So, will you pray for me friends? My appointment with the neurosurgeon is Thursday morning (tomorrow) at 8:00 am Eastern Time. Will you pray that the doctor is able to give me clear answers to my questions? Would you pray for God to completely heal me and relieve me of this pain? Will you pray that my treatment plan is actually non-invasive but still adequately treats the problem? Would you pray for God’s peace to settle all over me? Would you pray that my attitude would stay positive? And…most importantly…regardless of the outcome, regardless of the next steps…would you pray that God is glorified in my life?
Thank you for being such a blessing to me!
