Leah Stirewalt

Out of Deep Waters

Even So I Still Say…

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I had another single mom friend of mine and her daughter over for a “slumber party” last night! We had it all planned out. We attended a Christmas show at our church (that my Anna is in this year) and then we came back home…lit up all the trees and decorations, and ate a bunch of fun food. That’s what you’re supposed to do at slumber parties…right? Then, we decided that we’d play with the Wii and do a little “Just Dance” for some laughs. The problem? The Wii is suddenly broken.
In my mind, I’m thinking…seriously? Now, Lord? I know it’s just a “thing”…but, it does bring us laughter and enjoyment, and it’s not easily replaced. Really?
But, with my mouth…I simply said, “No big deal. I’ll fix it later. Let’s watch a movie instead.” So, out came Alvin & the Chipmunks on DVD. (Later came too…I tried to fix the Wii…it’s still broken…my daughter and I are a little heartbroken.)
This morning, we slept in a little and then got up and spent time slowly getting started for the day. We later ventured out for some window shopping and girl’s lunch out. Three out of the four of us woke up not feeling so hot. So, our lunch out wasn’t quite as entertaining as it could have been. But, surely ice cream would do the trick.
A trip to Cold Stone was our next stop. It hit the spot for me and helped my scratchy throat, but I still had that silly broken Wii in the back of my mind.
We all came back to the house, took naps, and then Anna headed back to the church for two more performances of the Christmas production. In the meantime, we had another surprise brief visit from an out-of-town friend. We enjoy coffee and chat time together, but it was soon time for our girl’s adventure to end.
We said goodbye to LuAnn and thanked her for popping by. Carol and Ella also got ready to head home. Safely back in their car, ready to take off – the car decided it didn’t want to start. After a couple more tries, we determined it must be a dead battery. Here we were – two women trying to figure out how to jump off a car. We had a little help over the phone from Carol’s dad. And, we successfully got the car to crank.
Off they went…I waved goodbye and headed back into the house to work on the Wii again. It was no use. It’s dead with a game disc stuck inside. I didn’t know what to do. I just kept thinking – now would be a good time for a meltdown, Lord. But, He wouldn’t let me have one. Instead, I just grew more bitter and the “not fairs” started to roll off my tongue.
It’s not fair that Carol and I had to stand outside and try to figure out how to jump off a car.
It’s not fair that the Wii is broken, and I can’t seem to fix it.
It’s not fair that the husbands in our lives are no longer with us, and we are “stuck” playing both roles more often than we like.
It’s not fair that the Christmas season is here, and we feel lonely again.
It’s not fair…blah, blah, blah.
I just had to whine a little. Sometimes, that’s all I can do.
Finally, I decided to cuddle up in my chair with my Bible on my lap and read. God’s Word never returns void. Never.
Please give me something tonight Lord. Please. I’m empty, and I need to feel your Presence. I need to get over this bad attitude. Please help me!
And He gave me this…
“Before the mountains were born or you brought forth the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.” ~Psalm 90:2
That’s it! God is God…from everlasting to everlasting. The same God that brought forth the earth and all the world out of nothingness…the same God that created me…the same God that continues to reach for me and rescue me from the depths of deep grief waters is the same God that can take care of a broken Wii and dead car battery (and a broken wireless router that also died this week).
Who am I to ever doubt Him? I guess I just get weary of “doing hard” sometimes. But even so, I still say…
Blessed be the name of the Lord!

I’m Scared

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Generally, I’m about as fearless as they come. There is very little I’m afraid of, and I have quite the adventurous spirit – making me a bit of a “daredevil” at times. I’m just wired that way, and it’s certainly made for interesting experiences in life (with hopefully many more to come).

However, I have to admit something. I’m scared. I’m actually scared…of grief.

You’re probably thinking…why now? After nearly 7 months as a widow, she’s just now figuring out she’s scared of grief? What’s to be scared of? She’s already survived 7 months.

Actually, I’ve been scared of it all along. I’m just admitting it now. It’s really hard to explain, and I’ve been trying to sort out my feelings over this, hence the blog post about it. Like everything else along this journey, I find it makes more sense to me (even if to nobody else) if I write about it. So, here I am…

Honestly, I’m scared of the unknowns of grief. I’m scared of the peaks and valleys. I’m scared of the waves that come out of nowhere and try to “carry me out to sea”. I’m scared of losing control over my emotions (it’s happened a couple of times already) – especially in places not conducive to such an “event”. I’m scared of people getting tired of my grieving, thereby losing my support system. I’m scared of forgetting something important (my mind is still very muddled these days). I’m scared of not having a shoulder to cry on when I need it most. I’m just plain scared.

I know the “Christianese” responses to the above. I know what the Bible says about fear. I especially know the part about there being no fear in love, and God’s love casts out fear. I know that I need to just leave this at the Lord’s throne for Him to deal with. I know all of these things, but right now…knowing them and living them out are two entirely different things.

Entering this season of Advent and Christmas is very emotional for me. Very, very emotional. This makes my grief fears all the more prevalent. I don’t know all the answers for what this next month holds, but I know the One that does. I’m desperately clinging to Him now. I don’t want to be scared anymore.