Nearly two weeks ago, I had the privilege of speaking at a women’s event in which just shy of 2000 women attended. This group of gals came from all walks of life…rich and poor, free and imprisoned, miserably married and happily single, mothers of many and those still longing for children, believers and non-believers. There were the church ladies and also those that society might dub the “troublemakers”. In any event, there was a sea of beautiful women that all came for various reasons but all left with a hug from Abba!
I’ve had countless ladies share with me how much the evening meant to them – how loudly God spoke to a particular need in their life – how desperately they needed to feel His presence (and did!). They thanked me for being so transparent in sharing my story. I was so blessed to be part of His work that evening, but what I wanted to share with each of them was this…
“I was the blessed one! I, too, heard God speak so loudly. I, too, needed to feel His presence and did so in abundance! And, honestly…it’s not my story. He just asked me to share His story…His story of redemption, healing, and treasured grace in my life.”
And…there was more…
I intentionally put all speaking on hold for awhile after Chris’ death (minus a little 5 minute talk I gave eleven weeks after he died). I truly didn’t have the energy to prepare messages to deliver to others at that time in my life. I simply resorted to blogging about my widow adventures (mostly out of my need for healing). However, after I felt like God had readied me “speaker ready” again, I began to doubt myself. Soon after those hesitations began to surface and I began to question my ability to be God’s vessel, I got the call to speak at this particular women’s event. I said yes before I had the chance to say no.
Knowing how difficult this would be for me – my first time back out on the field, so to speak – I was desperately afraid that I would let God down. I know that might sound silly, but those feeling were very real my friends. You see – He’s done SO much for me. I can’t even come close to praising Him enough! I was so fearful that I wouldn’t glorify Him enough.
I shared my inadequacies with a friend as well as all of the doubt-filled thoughts that invaded my mind.
Her response, “Do you trust Him?”
My reply, “Of course I trust Him. But…”
Again, she repeated, “Do you trust Him?”
I was beginning to get a little agitated. Of course she knows I trust Him. I’ve been speaking that truth from the moment I learned of my husband’s suicide and for all the tragedies He carried me through before that. Yes. I. Trust. Him!
And she finished with, “Then there can be no buts.”
Ouch! That pierced my heart to the core. She was right! I’ve lived what I’ve believed for a long time. Why can’t I trust Him with this? It’s actually so much easier to transfer our fears, our doubts, and our lack of understanding to His throne. He wants it all, and He can handle it all!
And so…
I surrendered my doubts to Him…I surrendered my talk to Him…I surrendered the evening to Him.
And…He was glorified!
I saw it on the faces and in the voices of the women I spoke with afterwards. I saw it in the healing tears rushing down their faces. I felt it in my own heart, as I was so full of His peace while standing on the stage. I heard it in the anthems of praise that penetrated the worship center that evening.
Is there something you doubt God can do for you or through you? If so, do you trust Him anyway?
Remember…no buts. Just trust Him. Surrender it to Him. He’s got this!
