It’s not too difficult to see if you’ve been following my blog posts this week that it’s been a doozy. Monday was just plain yucky. And…yesterday? Well, I think I just spent the day getting over Monday.

There’s nothing monumental that’s taken place. I mean, even my splatter on the floor of the local grocery store is minor compared to the events of May 3-4. So, putting all of this into perspective…it’s not been that bad, if I really think about it.

So, why the sullen mood?

I’m just hurting. I’m missing Chris terribly right now. It just happens. I think about him every single day, but somedays…I’m absorbed with thoughts of him. I just want him back so badly. I know that’s impossible…but, I can still want…can’t I? Even typing this blog…the tears are pouring, my shoulders are quivering, because I miss him sooooo badly! I. Really. Miss. Him. I don’t know how to say it any plainer than that.

But, I have to move forward. I have to keep serving the God that I adore. I have to keep walking the journey. I have to keep trusting. And, I must keep thanking. It’s in the thankfulness, I find healing.

And so I begin…

I gave thanks for…

1. My Jesus
2. Anna’s laughter
3. Healing tears
4. Authentic friends
5. Clean drinking water
6. Scenic mountain landscapes
7. Eyesight to see God’s gifts
8. The ability to feel useful even while deeply grieving
9. Encouraging comments on my blog
10. “Just because” cards received in the mail at just the right time
11. Still being able to see my 5-yr-old daughter’s face now in her almost grown 14-yr-old face as she wakes in the morning.
12. The precious flowers I found on my doorstep yesterday with the message: “Leah, you are so loved. God”

And the list continues…that’s just a sampling.

Thank you God for holding me so closely right now!

My surprise flowers that arrived yesterday!

Today marks the official “two months ‘til Christmas” warning.

Today also marks 25 weeks since my husband first disappeared into the woods to take his own life. Sadly, he succeeded.

In 25 weeks, I’ve…

-seen the beauty of God’s Comfort

-felt pain like never before

-experienced an outpouring of love from my Christian and non-Christian friends alike

-tasted the bitterness of death

-been led beside still waters

-hidden myself in the shadow of Chris’ death

-laughed so hard I’ve almost wet my pants (how’s that for a visual?)

-cried what must be the equivalent of a lifetime of tears

-praised the One that made me…over and over and over

-questioned the One that made me…over and over and over

-prayed for so many other widows, knowing well the depth of their pain

-barely eaten, as food nauseated me in the “early days”

-eaten too much, as food is falsely “comforting me” now

-been on the mountaintop

-been in the deepest pit

-endeavored to live life to the fullest

-prayed that God would call me Home

-witnessed true friendship, even among strangers

-felt the sting of false friendship

-experienced God’s fingerprints on me

-questioned God’s nearness

-seen beauty come from ashes

-felt abandoned and forgotten (a lie from the enemy)

-shared with others how God never leaves us or forsakes us

-experienced how deep and how wide is God’s amazing love for me