Chris – my Superman!

I’ve had so many people stress to me the importance of journaling since the death of my sweet Chris. As a lover of words, you would think that would be easy for me. But, it hasn’t been. I’ve journaled some, but I’ve blogged a lot more. I think the blog posts have taken the place of traditional journaling for me.

However, there are some things that I simply can’t post here. Nuggets that are too hard to bare and are just between God and me. Elements of pain that would not edify anyone reading the words. But, for some reason, today I felt led to share a few excerpts from some of my most early journal entries. Maybe…just maybe…God is speaking to one of you through some of these words.

May 13
9 days after Chris’ death…I’m still struggling to find answers. I’m still struggling to get back into God’s Word in more than a “surface reading” sort of way. I desire to devour it , but my heart won’t let me just yet. And so…I skim. I am reading devotions and shockingly, but thankfully, the two I read today had to be love notes straight from God Himself: 5/13 Jesus Calling (Sarah Young) and 5/13 Morning By Morning (Spurgeon). I seek you Lord – now more than ever. I pray, God, that you’ll speak to me in my dreams and that I’ll remember it when I awake. Please give me a glimpse of Chris in heaven.

May 21
Now 17 days after my sweet husband suddenly left me for our eternal home…God’s mercies continue to abound. Even so, I still hurt. I think the thing I struggle with most today is not having him to talk to. I ache for him…really ache for him. Maranatha!

May 28
I find that my blog has become a place of journaling much of what God has been teaching me along “Grief Road”. However, there are still nuggets that are too personal or confusing or private to display on a public blog. … I had an emotionally difficult time of prayer yesterday morning, but it resulted in God carrying me out of my “grief prison”. Hallelujah!

July 4
I am really having to work hard to choose joy today, because Satan is working overtime to get me to be miserable. But, it’s becoming my new mantra, of sorts…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of my circumstances…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of the depths of my sorrow…I CHOOSE JOY! Regardless of what life difficulties seem to bombard me…I CHOOSE JOY! This life is so short & so fleeting! I get to live with Chris in heaven forever. Better yet – I get to live with Jesus in heaven forever! This life is but a “blip” on the pages of eternity. Therefore…I CHOOSE JOY!

Without Christ, I am nothing. Simple, but true. Without Christ, I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t walk Grief Road. Without Christ, I would be lost…and perhaps dead. But, being dead without Christ is the greatest tragedy of all. Thankfully, Chris is waiting for me in heaven! How about you?

Thank you so much for your encouraging and sweet comments regarding Anna’s blog post yesterday. God has really blessed me with her, and I can’t believe He chose me to be her mother! I know that I know that I know that God has a most beautiful plan for her. Beautiful…because, it’s His plan!

However, I know that often we can’t see those beautiful plans unfold so easily in our lives. Just yesterday…my heart was aching heavily for a couple of friends going through some really difficult times right now. The trials they are being asked to endure don’t make sense when viewed through the earthly lens that we often use when gazing at life. A word I can easily associate with their difficulties…unfair! And YET…

God never promised life would be fair. He never promised it would be delivered to us on a silver platter or that we’d walk the glory road until we reach glory itself. He never promised that our days will be filled with material blessing or that the trials that we do endure will be swift. He never promised that we wouldn’t experience a broken heart or be disappointed by broken people.

Right now…I personally know someone…

–Fighting breast cancer
–Praying for a spouse after a lifetime of singleness
–Waiting on God for the sale of a home on the market for 4 years
–Seeking custody of a child that has endured much hardship
–Waiting on a call for their forever child through adoption
–Praying for conception even though doctors are speaking infertility
–Ready to walk out on a position they’ve been called to do, because the enemy tells them they can’t do it
–Fighting to keep the job they have
–Aching for a spouse that went to heaven late last year
–Waiting with great expectation for a YES answer to a position they applied for months ago and are still in the running for
–That lost everything in a house fire 4 months ago
–Questioning whether or not Christ could ever love them enough to accept them into His family
–Grieving the loss of a parent a few short weeks ago
–Grieving the loss of a child to cancer earlier this year
–Watching their special needs adopted child endure many medical procedures this week
–Waiting on God to provide funding resources for a new non-profit organization started in faith
–Praying for a prodigal child

These are tough, tough things, friends. And…these are tough things for my praying heart to endure. So many times I’ve prayed that God would allow me to see hurting and broken people through His eyes so that my prayers might be more personal and often more gutteral. He’s done that many times, and I ache all the more.

But, even though these aren’t the things in life we’ve asked for, prayed for, expected, or even wanted…”in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”! (Romans 8:28) This is not just some biblical cliche…this is TRUTH spoken by a God (THE God) that cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18).

I choose to believe that even through my husband’s suicide, God is working for my good, because…I love Him, and I have been called according to His purpose. And while I may not be able to see with my physical eyes all the plans God has for me to work this for my good…I see with my eyes of faith. And, one day…my faith WILL be my sight!