It has taken me months to compose this post. Seriously. I’ve poured over it in my mind time and time again, because I honestly don’t think anyone will get the sheer enormity of it except for me and a select few that were directly involved in what I’m about to share. But, I want to share it anyway. If for nobody else…for the few of us that were there…and to honor God.

As my long-time readers know, the anniversary of my husband’s death was on May 4. On that day, I went, along with Chris’ two sisters, out to the site where he took his life. My sis-in-laws invited Joel (my prince and husband-to-be) to come with us, which I thought was not only sweet but a precious gesture of their acceptance of him into my life. Joel has simply “picked up the baton” and is planning to finish the race that Chris began with me. My sweet sis-in-laws have been so supportive of us and this new season of our lives. I love them so!

So, having them AND Joel there on that special day meant more to me than can be put into words.

At first, Joel simply stood back and watched us gals peruse the place where Chris took his last breath. The place where he made the life-altering decision that not only ended his life but forever changed life for those of us left behind. The place in which he found so much solace and peace during his days on earth, as he fished the rivers and hunted the woods that bordered this site. The place that, for reasons known only to God, where he took his life.

We reminisced…we cried…we laughed…we just stared. We remembered the events that took place on that same day one year prior. And…we looked at how far God brought each of us and healed us just 12 months later. Only God!

I walked back towards the car and stood with Joel while Chris’ sisters gathered little momentos from the site and captured memories through photographs of God’s beautiful creation even among such tragic and unexpected events just 12 months prior. In my mind, I began talking to God…

Thank you, Father, for such deep healing. Thank you, Father, for restoration. Thank you, Father, for new beginnings. Thank you, Father, for breathing life back into me. Thank you, Father, for making something beautiful out of something so ugly…much like you’ve taught me through your beautiful butterflies.

It was then he spotted it…not knowing what I was praying…but, knowing how much God has spoken to me through them. A butterfly. There on the ground. It was a shiny, plastic, charm-like butterfly. Someone must have dropped it. But, as Joel picked it up off the ground and handed it to me…I smiled, and the tears started flowing.

God immediately responded to my prayers with this little token of love. It was as if He said…

I’m proud of you daughter.

I’ve never forgotten you.

I will never, ever forget you.

Thank you for trusting Me to bring you through this season of your earthly life even on the days it made the least amount of sense.

I am continuing to restore the years the locusts have eaten.

I love you with an everlasting love.

I will continue to bring beauty out of ashes.

Just as the butterfly came from an ugly caterpillar, I am creating something glorious in your life to come directly from this ugly and tragic circumstance.

Oh Abba…I love you so! Thank you for the gift of that plastic butterfly on THAT day and in THAT place found by THAT man! Only You God…only You!