She Speaks 2011 sisters (from left: Heatherly, Leah, Carey, and Patti)
I’ll be attending my 3rd She Speaks Conference this year in Concord, NC this upcoming weekend. Each year – without fail – I’ve walked away having been part of (or having witnessed) a miracle, of sorts. This year…I’m not going as a participant but as a volunteer. It’s funny how my mindset changed, as a result of my “status change” for this year. I’ve really been waiting in expectation to witness miracle after miracle for the other ladies in attendance…you know…the ones fully attending (not just volunteering, like myself). And then…God reminded me. He longs for me to see His Glory too! And not just me…but all of those attending, volunteering, speaking, the hotel staff, the publishing representatives, the restaurant staff, and anyone else that crosses paths with the conference this year. This weekend is about Him…to glorify Him…to make Him known! So, Father God…let your miracles abound…for Your Glory!
Here’s a repost from my experience last summer:
I didn’t know what to expect, and was honestly very hesitant to go just a little over eleven weeks after my husband’s tragic death. But, prior to that, I had so looked forward to my 2nd annual She Speaks conference. So, through the financial and logistical generosity of others…I went…this past weekend.
God met me there. Big time. I can’t begin to convey everything that took place in one blog post, and I’m not even going to try. But, there is one story…one major event…that I just have to share now. I only hope these words do it justice.
I was registered for the Speaker’s Track (like last year). Attendees have the choice of participating in one of three tracks, but our breakout sessions can come from any of the three. Since I was already registered for the Speaker’s Track before the “events of May 3-4″, I decided I’d just continue down that path. As a Speaker’s Track participant, I would be expected to prepare two short “talks” for evaluation by speaking peers and a Proverbs 31 Ministries professional speaker. I honestly didn’t know if I’d be able to emotionally do this or not, but I prayed for weeks that God would be glorified through me this weekend regardless of what I was or was not able to do.
That said, the first talk was Friday evening. Only by God’s grace, I got through it without shedding a tear. I was stunned! It certainly wasn’t the best talk I’ve ever written, and it definitely wasn’t the best delivery. However, God brought me through it!
Saturday morning typically brings back-to-back breakout sessions. I was registered for several writing sessions actually, but this is when God intervened with a different plan…His plan! Now, before I go any further, I have to say that I’ve asked permission to share the events that follow, because it involves a bit of transparency from a sweet friend of mine. I’ll use her first name only, at her request, but if you happen to know who I’m talking about…let’s just leave everything on a first name basis please.
Before breakfast, my friend Angie came up to me and asked if she could share something with me whenever I had a chance that day. “Sure,” I replied. I could sense that God was working up something big for sweet Angie, but I didn’t know what part I was to play. I was just willing to be a listening ear.
I grabbed Angie right after breakfast, so we could sit down and chat. Yes…I had sessions to attend, but God said to skip them. This was far more important than a writer’s session. And, so we sat down…and the conversation began.
I’ll have to back up briefly and share that I learned the night before (Friday night) that Angie doesn’t cry. At all. As a matter of fact, Angie hasn’t cried in nearly 20 years. 20 years folks! It’s not that Angie doesn’t get emotional. Oh…she most certainly does! However, she’s learned how to suppress those feelings when she feels like she’s about to cry.
So, during our nice long conversation Saturday morning, we talked even more about that, among other things. Angie must have felt safe in pouring out her heart to me, and I’m so glad she did! She talked, and I listened (and talked some too). I lovingly expressed concern over her choice to suppress her tearful emotions. She finally admitted that she knows when the walls started going up nearly 20 years ago, and she knows God is working through her to tear them down, but she’s still resistant to the tears. She’s fearful that one tear will lead to a gushing of tears. I smiled, because I know that’s where God will eventually take her. So, how did our conversation end? With these words that I shared, “Angie, I’m going to be praying for you about this. I’m praying that you have a ‘Niagra Falls’ experience. I’m praying the floodgates open, and you learn how to cry again. I’m praying God meets you where you’re at and heals you. And, if I have to…I’ll fast over this.” Angie simply smiled, and we parted ways for a few hours.
I went back to my room to get ready for talk #2, but as I walked, I prayed for Angie – just as I said I would. However, I was really struggling emotionally at this point. With talk #2 just around the corner, I was fearful – once again – that I wouldn’t be able to get through it. But, God whispered to my heart. It’s not about the talks Leah. Your reason for being here this weekend is so much bigger than that. Just wait…and watch…and you’ll see My Glory.
Now…I’m going to fast forward…right through talk #2. I’ll share more about that in a future post (but, yes…God brought me through that one too). I’m jumping ahead to post-dinner.
We had the privilege of getting to hear the radiant and godly Ann Voskamp. If you haven’t yet read her book, One Thousand Gifts, you really should give yourself that gift and do so! You will be so blessed. Well, she certainly blessed us that night, and my heart was already softened to the absolutely divine grace that God allows me to walk in each day. I was abundantly full of joy at that moment! But then…
Our worship artist closed out the evening with one more song. It happened to be Chris Tomlin’s Amazing Grace (My Chains are Gone). This was Chris’ favorite song, and we even played it at his funeral. I’ve heard it a couple of times since he died, but I apparently heard it with different ears this time.
I could feel my throat tightening, my chest aching, my eyes filling with salty water, and then it came…my own Niagra Falls. I began to sob, and I mean sob! I couldn’t stop it. And, I’m not sure I even tried to at this point. I was losing complete control of my emotions. Suddenly, I felt the arms of my friend, Lorie, around me, and I heard her cries as well. Then, I felt someone else in front of me, someone else behind me, another lady at my knees praying, another sweet sister to my right side. I was surrounded by the tangible of love of Christ through my She Speaks sisters. The tears continued…abundantly poured. I struggled to breathe at times, and one of my sisters kept whispering, “take slow deep breaths, Leah. God is right here with you. He. Is. Here.” I’ve cried a lot since Chris died, but this was probably the deepest sorrow I’ve felt in several weeks. It was so deep that I honestly didn’t truly understand what was happening to me until God calmed me down and told me to look back and see who was rubbing my back. As I did, I smiled so big with new tears pouring down my face…
It was my friend Angie…crying! I was witnessing a miracle. My friend that hadn’t shed a tear in nearly 20 years…my friend that has had tremendous walls built up that nothing could seem to topple…my friend that shared with me earlier in the day…the same one…now CRYING! God had already and so quickly answered my prayers for her. And…He allowed ME to not only witness the miracle but to be used in the creation of the miracle.
The sorrow that God allowed me to endure that evening…for what seemed like an eternity…wasn’t about me and wasn’t for me…it was for Angie. All for Angie! And, to see that look on her face when she realized what was happening…I’d let Him put me through that all over again…just to see His glory through Angie’s miracle!
We’ve been planning, fundraising, shopping, packing, and getting very excited about Anna’s first international mission trip to Guatemala. This has been in the works since last fall, and ever since I first learned of her desire and calling to go…I’ve been overjoyed for her.
You see…I, too, have the “fever” for mission work. Mine started long before my trip to Africa in 2010, but it was definitely solidified there. I’m sensing God’s given Anna that “fever” as well. Actually, she came to me a little over a year ago and acknowledged that she felt God might be calling her to full time mission work someday. Naturally, I was excited, proud, and also a bit apprehensive. Not apprehensive in the sense that God would/could do something like that, but a little hesitation resulted over the fact that as of that time, Anna had yet to experience her first mission trip (domestic or international). And yet…she sensed a calling already welling up in her spirit.
I’ve also prayed that God would make clear His plans for Anna while on this side of Heaven. And…regardless of what He calls her to do…I will be supportive.
Even if that means she lives far from me in another country in extreme poverty?
Even if that means I may not get to watch my grandchildren grow up as closely to me as I would prefer?
Even if that means that she lives in a dangerous situation day in and day out in her calling?
Even if that means I seldom get to see her?
Yes. I have to say yes.
It’s not that I desire for Anna to be far from me and to be called into a potentially dangerous lifestyle. But, I DO desire her to be in the center of God’s will…whatever that means.
Anna experienced her first domestic mission trip to Atlanta, GA over this past Spring Break! She loved it…was changed by it…and, continued to believe God’s call on her life. I’ve encouraged her all along the way. We’ve talked about ways that mission work will be tough, grueling at times. She’ll need to be prepared physically, financially, emotionally, mentally, and of course – spiritually! After each of our conversations…she’s more determined, more excited and more convinced than ever before.
Bottom line…God will make this clear to her and to me and to others praying for her in His timing. But, I do believe this Guatemala trip is the first of many where she gets to be the hands and feet of Jesus to those she is most compassionate about – the “least of these”.
Up until yesterday, I’ve been so excited and ready to “see her off”, so to speak. I’ve had not one bit of hesitancy, fear, or nervousness in her going on this trip. But something happened yesterday morning that I truly didn’t see coming.
I had to have her at the church at 5:30 am to load the bus to take her to the Charlotte airport. Along with the other parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and friends in attendance…I joined in the hug fest and waved proudly as the bus pulled off the parking lot. While walking back to my car, I felt this lump forming in my throat. What in the world? Where is this coming from? I no sooner closed my car door before the tears started flowing. I sobbed my way back home.
I was completely blindsided by this unexpected cry fest. I thought I was prepared for this. And yet…I couldn’t stop crying. I think the tears were, in part…
tears of joy…my baby was going on her first international mission trip
tears of exhaustion…a lot of time, effort, and money has gone into making this trip possible, and it finally came to a head
tears of worry…not over Anna traveling to Guatemala but over the fact that I only have 3 more years left with her before college
tears of loneliness…for the first time since Chris’ death, this will be the longest length of time that I’ll spend alone, and the loneliness set in the moment the bus drove away
tears of ???…yes, I also believe there were simply some unexplained tears there as well
And, so the day began with me being a complete emotional wreck. What did I do then? The only thing I knew to do…I crawled up into Abba’s lap (so to speak) and cried out to Him in prayer, I sobbed as I studied His Word and I let Him comfort me.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it until my last breath…He’s the only TRUE Comforter we have friends. Whether you need comfort after an emotional morning of sending off a teenager on her first international mission trip or after losing a spouse to suicide or following a painful divorce or after burying a child following a bitter battle with cancer or after receiving your own cancer diagnosis or after learning your job is ending. God is not only the best Comforter…He is the ONLY Comforter that can comfort completely! He’ll often use others as part of the way He comforts us, but sometimes He wants to do it all by Himself! And He can…
