Leah Stirewalt

I had a text conversation with another widow friend of mine the other day. To summarize, she was stunned and a bit shaken by the fact that the 7-month anniversary of her husband’s death had passed approximately a week prior, and she never even thought of it at the time.

I smiled when I read it. For me, it was evidence of healing. Maybe only the beginning but healing nonetheless. To my friend, however, it was rather alarming when she realized it. Again…I smiled.

Through my own grief journey, I’ve learned how to pick up on some of the tricks of the enemy. Satan doesn’t want us well. He wants us to dwell in a pit for as long as we can, rendering us ineffective for Kingdom work. This time I smiled, because I was onto his sly little tricks, and I shared that with my friend as well. However, her joy was still absent. She prayed that God would show her what a gift it was in “not remembering” – giving her a new perspective on her journey. That became my prayer too.

Healing comes in various ways in the life of a widow. And, sadly, to some it never comes. I haven’t been on this journey for as long as many other women, but I have discovered a few things in the lives of many widows that God’s allow me to intersect with along this path:

1) Healing generally comes to those that want it. That doesn’t take away from the fact that often-times, healing can be a lifelong process, because grieving over a spouse can be a lifelong process. However, levels of healing can take root, allowing those left behind to move forward on this life journey.

2) Healing tends to come more quickly to those that stay grounded in God’s Word and in prayer. As hard as that is to do when in deep grief, for me it was paramount in my own journey. I have no doubt I wouldn’t be where I am today without staying deeply connected with Abba.

3) Healing is often met sooner by widows with a strong support system. Sadly, I’ve discovered this is an area severely lacking – especially in the church body. Why is that? Is it our selfish natures that keep our focus on ourselves and those things that make us happy rather than on the hurting people around us?

Now before you go sending me comments saying this list is incomplete, and you are the exception to the above. Please know…I already know that. I know that there are widows that crave healing, that have remained grounded in prayer and in the Word and do have a strong support network but still haven’t found healing. All I’m trying to say is that the above seems to be some of the commonalities I’ve noticed.

Additionally, there is no “time rule” for healing to follow. It comes at various times and in various degrees for each of us. For some, it may come in stages…a little at a time…and take years to get to a place where healing feels complete. For others, it may come suddenly (like it did for me in late January). While I say “suddenly”, I’m not sure that it was sudden, I just noticed it suddenly. I think it was probably more of a gradual process as well. Regardless…each person is different, each situation is different. And, while grief can’t be put into a neat little box for all to follow a particular course, neither can healing.

For my widow friends and readers – do not let your heart become faint in waiting on your Healer. He longs for you to be well again. Call out to Him…stay grounded in His truths. Do not listen to the lies of the enemy. And…know that I continue to pray for you…as you are near and dear to my heart!

For my non-widow friends and readers – I beg you to come alongside a grieving widow in support of her today. Everybody can do something…a card, lunch, a hug, cry with her, offer her a new book to read, pray with/for her…anything to let her know you genuinely care. This simple touch of love is a deep gesture to God’s grieving daughters.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.” ~2 Corinthians 1:3,4

It was our “cabin time” ritual. Each evening before tucking my little campers into their bunks, we would talk about the day, and I would ask each one, “What was your high, low, and uh-oh?” That summer after my freshman year in college, I spent 10 weeks as a camp counselor and would close each night with prayer and asking my campers to share their highs, lows, and uh-ohs with me, and I would, in turn, do the same with them.

Now – many years later – I’ve asked that same question of my daughter on occasion, when going through the events of her day with her. Sometimes, it’s hard to think of an example in one of the categories. Sometimes a day may pass without an uh-oh. But, there’s ALWAYS a “high”. There’s ALWAYS something for which to be grateful.

I found myself in a moment of ingratitude and unthankfulness recently. I’ve received countless (literally too many to count) notes, phone calls, cards, emails, comments, and words of support in response to my news of new love and engagement to Joel. However, I’ve received less than five comments of disapproval, concern, shock, or disdain. However, those are the comments that never leave my mind. It matters not the degree of love and support I’ve felt from those that know me – truly know me – my daughter, my family, my closest friends, and even Chris’ family. It should matter, and it really does. However, it seems to be the 3-4 comments I’ve received from complete strangers that do not know me at all that are choosing to rip me apart with their words. It may only be a sentence, but one sentence can be heart-shattering.

As I try to ponder my own highs, lows, and uh-ohs, I’m having to learn to focus on those “highs” – the ones I have every single day (whether or not they seem obvious). The enemy, however, wants me to dwell on the lows from well-meaning people who really do not know me, my heart, my background, or my life story other than the snippets I choose to reveal. It can be those types of comments that make me want to withdrawal from ministry all together – that make me want to stop blogging – that make me want to quit sharing from the depths of my heart – that make me want to remove myself from the life of social media and go back into my shell and “hide” where it’s safe.

HOWEVER…

What if Jesus shrunk back and hid?

What if Jesus took to heart all of the negative words spoken about Him?

What if Jesus said, “this is too hard to do”?

What if Jesus allowed people, rather than His Father, to shape His ministry?

What if Jesus said, “I quit!”?

I can’t do it friends. No matter the few painful looks and out-of-line comments, I press on. As I’ve said before and choose to say again, I live my life for an audience of One!

It’s His approval I seek.

It’s His blessing I want.

It’s His guidance I pray for daily.

It’s His love I choose to share.

It’s His plans I want for me.

And…my audience of One…has NOT given me a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (2 Timothy 1:7). Therefore, I choose to march forward cloaked in His strength, His love, and His wisdom. And, I will acknowledge the “lows” and “uh-ohs” of each day but will focus and give thanks for the “highs”, as I continue to exalt Him!