Leah Stirewalt

WOW…it feels like forever since I’ve been here this week. I’ve updated the Adoption tab some but haven’t had a chance to write much beyond that. It’s been a mixed bag of a week. Here are the snippets…

About a month ago, I went on this “exercising frenzy” that included “Just Dance” marathons with my daughter using the Wii. In addition to being highly competitive (yes – I admit it – I wanted to outscore Anna…shame on me!), I’m also not as young as used to be (but still feel like a twenty-something on the inside). So, I twisted, and I danced, and I moved…apparently the wrong way. I woke up the morning after one of our dancing nights to throbbing knee pain. At first, I just sized it up to be “too much, too soon”, so I took a few days off. The pain never ended, so I took more days off from my exercising frenzy. To make a very long story a bit shorter…last week, I realized the pain wasn’t going away by any of my own measures. Actually…it was getting exponentially worse. Time to talk to the professionals.

And so…I went to see my regular doctor this week. After knee manipulation that about sent me flying through the roof with pain, I was told in no uncertain terms I was being referred to an orthopedic surgeon for further evaluation. One strong possibility is that I’ve torn a meniscus. Seriously? Now?

Needless to say, the 5K I had wanted to race in May in Chris’ memory will not be happening. So, if any of you had already agreed to run that with me…I’ll need to ask for a rain check. I’m sorely disappointed (pun not intended), but there’s nothing I can do about it now.

Will you pray for me friends? My appointment is next Thursday morning (if I can wait that long). Will you pray that the source of the pain is easily identified and easily remedied? Unfortunately, it’s very debilitating right now. Can’t walk without a lot of pain.

So, that was a bit of a frustration, but even with that…I’ve experienced a great deal of joy this week. Thinking of Holly in the Congo and longing to bring her home as quickly as possible has left me researching most evenings this week for all kinds of fundraising and financial resources to fund this adoption. The thoughts of rescuing this orphan and leading her to Christ gives me more joy than I can even explain. Knowing that Anna will finally have that sibling she’s prayed for since she first learned how to pray produces another round of incomparable joy. And…knowing that God will allow me to grow my family in this unique and treasured way…joy unspeakable!

However…here comes the frustration…as I’ve noted before the cost of the adoption will be anywhere from $30-35K. After the home study is done and approved, I’ll have so many more options for funding (specifically in grants). But now…now is the hardest…and yet, I press on. I am standing on God’s promises. He’s promised His faithfulness with provision. I just have to be obedient and follow His lead. My human mind wants it here now, so that I can move to Step 3, but God does always respond to my timing (usually doesn’t actually). Hence, I’m learning patience in the process.

As for my journey grief…I’ve discovered JOY in rounding a corner. There are still days that pain me (mostly due to loneliness), but I have far more good days than bad now. If you had told me that I would actually be able to feel this way last May – I wouldn’t have believed you. But, my Healer has been amazing, and He’s still taking me by the hand and leading me through this journey. And…I can’t imagine walking through it with anyone else.

And so…I wait…

I wait for healing in my knee.

I wait for the rest of the funds to come through to meet Step 2 of Holly’s adoption costs.

I rest in the peace I have in knowing my Savior is beside me – closer than the air I breathe – whispering into my ear…Trust me, daughter. And…that brings me immense joy.

A look of HOPE on my face just a little over 2 months after Chris' death.

Thursday nights typically finds me sitting in my GriefShare group. I began attending back in February, and I vividly remember the facilitator instructing us at the first session to just “stick it out” through the early weeks, because they would be the hardest. If we could just tough it out – we’d be so thankful during the later weeks.

Last week, I can honestly say I reached that point. The thankful point. The place where I’m so glad that I hung around, even though the weeks prior have been excrutiatingly painful to endure. Often, I walk into class full of smiles and walk out with no makeup left on my face due to all the shed tears. But, this week…I experienced a turning point.

The video session was about asking the “Why?” question. Oh boy…I knew I could relate to that one. I haven’t asked the why question so much about my husband’s death (except in the very beginning), but I have asked the question “why” about my life in general.

God, why has my life been so hard? Why can’t I just have my version of a “typical” family – consisting of a husband & a bunch of kids? Why have I had to experience hardship after hardship after hardship from my earliest memory until even now? Why am I surrounded by friends that have the type of families I dream about and yet I can never seem to attain it? Why, God…why?

Somewhere along this grief journey, I stopped asking why. At first, I think it was a choice made from the pit. In other words, I’ll just stop asking why, because it won’t matter anyway…this must just be my “lot” in life. Eventually, God pulled me gently out of the pit, and I realized that I didn’t need to ask why anymore, because I trust Him! Yes. I truly do trust Him. I don’t understand, but I trust that He knows best for me!

During last week’s GriefShare class and video session…I heard two very poignant statements that really resonated with me:

1) Focus on what we know to be true about God (the !) not the (?). Focus on the exclamations – those promises about Him that we can point to all throughout scripture that still apply to us today rather than on the questions – those things that we may never have answers to that might actually cripple us if we allow them.

2) Choosing hope is an act of rebellion! Think about that for a minute…choosing hope is an act of rebellion! It really is. It’s rebellious to the world’s “system” of values, and it’s definitely rebellious to the enemy’s plans for us. Satan wants us to curl up and die whenever we find ourselves in a “hopeless” situation. So, choosing hope – in spite of our circumstances – is like spitting in his face. I LOVE that!!! Choosing hope essentially means we’re choosing to TRUST that the God of the universe knows what’s best for us, regardless of how we may feel at the moment.

So, today I’m feeling a little rebellious…I’m choosing HOPE!

Frustrations Mixed with Joy

Choosing HOPE is…Rebellious!