Leah Stirewalt

Dear Chris,

As I reflect back on the last 19 weeks without you, I sigh. Deep sighs. And…the tears. Oh…I’m finding that on days like today, they don’t cease.

I miss you so much. Those five words can’t even convey the depth of how much I miss you. They seem like such trivial words. It’s like when you talk with a friend you haven’t seen in awhile or when you call a family member that lives across the country. Or…even with you, babe. I’ve said those words whenever we’ve been apart for short lengths of time. I recall missing you terribly when I was in Africa last summer. But now…those five words carry such meaning. Too much meaning for even me to grasp. I long to be with you again. And, I know we will be one day. I can’t wait for that day. Until then…I continue missing you and journeying life a bit lost.

I have so much to share with you. God has been doing some amazing things for Anna and me since you left. I know He has us in the palm of His hand. I often wonder if He allows you to glimpse from heaven little tidbits of the work He’s doing. Oh…I pray so. I pray that you can see that I’m really, really trying to be strong without you. I know you’d want me to live life to the fullest, because that’s what we always did together. I have a deeper passion for that now.

As a matter of fact, Anna and I took our Disney trip…you know…the one the three of us were planning for 2012? We had a blast but sure missed you there! Everytime I saw Goofy, I thought of you and how you loved that crazy character.

This Sunday is the Panthers/Packers game that we were planning to go to together. I loved how you catered to the fact that I’m an NFL maniac and even helped me to create my first Carolina Panthers Christmas tree two years ago…even though the Packers are your team. You put me first in everything…even football! Well, I’m still going to the game Sunday. Without you. Your Packers loving friend from church will be going along with me instead. I know that has to make you smile. And…I’ll tell you a little secret. This is the ONLY team that I won’t be sad to lose to this season…only because of you. (I still hope the Panthers win, though.)

And…speaking of special Christmas trees…we’re doing one for you this year. It’s a tree in memory of you. Yes…it’ll be a REAL one! I know you well – no artificial trees! But, when I say WE…I mean WE. Babe, you have no idea how many people are helping me put this thing together. I couldn’t do it on my own, but I want to honor you in this way, because I know how much Christmas meant to you. And to think…you get to be at Jesus’ birthday party in heaven this year on that day! What a party that must be! But, I pray God lets you peek at the “Chris Tree” when it’s all finished. As ornaments are starting to arrive…my excitement is building. You would be so pleased!

I know how much you loved me. One of your last emails to me stressed that fact and reminded me to never doubt your love. Oh…if I only knew then what you were planning. If it had been possible, I would have moved heaven and earth to keep you by my side.

The loneliness is unbearable sometimes. I have a great support system and wonderful friends and a loving Father in heaven that wants to carry all of this for me. But, I don’t have you. If you only knew how much I hurt.

Sometimes I feel like people get tired of reading my depressing posts and comments. And…so they just stop. I try not to be depressing. I just want to be real. I think too often in life we try to live up to other people’s expectations (me included). But, this is real. This is who I am – at least for now. I’m not a pretty picture, but I’m real. I pray that my pain, my grief, this journey is not in vain and that somehow, someway it helps somebody else.

I just needed to share from the innermost places of my heart with you tonight sweetheart. Somehow…it offers a smidgen of healing.

I will never forget you. I will never forget the glorious, wonderful, exciting years we shared together. I will never forget the love you poured into me. I have never, ever been loved that deeply before. I didn’t deserve that kind of love, but God blessed me with it anyway. He blessed me with you!

I love you!

Leah

I’ve been thinking about this really hard for the last 19 weeks. I’ve chewed on it until the flavor seems to be all gone. I’ve spoken it out loud, written about it, but yet…I continue to ask myself…do I really mean it?

The question…

If God takes everything and everyone away from me, is He still enough?

Now, before I can give a direct answer to that question, I need to be real about the questions I’ve had to ask myself that have brought me to my answer. God has allowed my precious husband to be taken from me, and He’s giving me the grace to survive this horrific tragedy, but…

1) What if He took away my health? Would He still be enough?

2) What if He took away my beloved job…the place I look forward to serving in each day…would He still be enough?

3) What if He took away all of my friends and left me feeling isolated and lonely? Would He still be enough?

4) What if He took away the one person that has never left my side for the last 14 years, 7 months, and 20 days…my beloved daughter? What if He called her Home before me? Would He still be enough?

5) What if He took away all of my material possessions…what if I ended up homeless? Would He still be enough?

6) What if He took away the speaking ministry He’s given me? What if he closed my lips and allowed me to speak no further? Would He still be enough?

7) What if I lost it all…everything…people, things, security…would He still be enough?

My answer…

YES!!!!! I can answer with a resounding YES!!!!!!

Does this mean that I would not suffer if any of the above losses took place? Absolutely NOT! On the contrary, my suffering would be quite large. I would continue to rise and fall with the waves of grief, as I do now in learning to live without my Chris. (Just typing his name brings tears to my eyes.)

Does this mean that I welcome additional loss? Not in the least. I pray that He spares me further pain that comes close to the pain that I’ve experienced with the loss of my husband. It’s the worse pain I’ve ever endured and to think I might be asked to endure that type of pain again makes me sick to my stomach.

Does this mean that my response to additional loss would be “saintly” and full of wisdom? Nope. I know me too well to know that. I struggle now with walking my current journey of loss in a way that pleases God. I try…but, I know I fail quite often.

So, how can I answer with a resounding YES?

Because…He’s God….He’s always Good…He always keeps His promises…AND, this life that we have to live on earth is so small, covering such a minuscule period of time, and so brief compared to ALL of eternity!

So, YES…He’s enough. I’ll do whatever He asks me to do during this brief season of earthly life to experience the never-ending, glorious season of eternal life. And…if He asks me to experience this journey with nothing but Him…I’ll do that too. Tears and all. Because, He’s enough!

Dear Chris…

He’s Enough