Leah Stirewalt

This type A gal learned very quickly when I went to Africa in June 2010 that type A people just don’t live there. Well…maybe that’s a little too all-encompassing, but let’s just say I never met any of them. I had been told over and over to be prepared to embrace “Africa time”, as it’s like no other. If someone says they’ll meet you at 8:00, it’s not unrealistic to expect them at 10:30 or 11:00. With no explanation. Seriously. The first time or two this happened to me, it was a little unnerving. However, by the end of my 10-day stay, I had gotten over myself and adjusted quite well to the hakuna matata attitude regarding time. And…I have to admit…it was a bit freeing.

Nevertheless, it’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, as they say. Three years later, I find I still get unnerved when “my plans” don’t line up exactly as I think they should. Last week revealed that character flaw in me…yet again.

Just when things were going well…trucking along at a comfortable place…bam! A week ago Wednesday, my husband was sucker-punched with a trip to the ER resulting in admission for a very serious (and sudden) illness. I’ll never forget the doctor’s words, as he brought us the initial, acute diagnosis. While it was nothing along the lines of hearing the “C” word that many others are facing today (cancer), it was still serious enough that if untreated for much longer could have life-altering (and in some cases, life-ending) effects. Thankfully, we got him to the right place at just the right time. Five days later…he was back home, still recovering and anticipated to make a full recovery! Praise God!

After the initial anxiousness left, I found myself grappling with (if truth be told) the fact that life just took another unexpected detour. I whined to God. A lot.

Lord, why can’t I just have a season of ease? I’m not asking for much. I don’t need abundance…just ease.

Sometimes I feel so guilty in admitting that I prayed that, but it’s true, and somehow I’m just guessing that I’m not the only one that feels that way.

Then comes reality.

My reality tends to show up in a God-Leah conversation that volleys back and forth in my mind, and it goes something like this.

God: Ease. So, you want ease, daughter?

Me: Exactly! You can do anything God, so how about a little less life drama for awhile?

God: Hmmm…do you trust me?

Me: Of course, but…

God: It’s simple really. You either trust me with everything, or you don’t. Haven’t I proven my love for you and ability to care for you over and over and over?

Me: Yes, Lord.

God: So, what makes this time really different?

Me: I guess I’m just tired.

God: What do I say about that?

Me: To come to You for rest, and You will provide it.

God: And do you daughter?

Me: Not nearly enough.

God: What else makes this time really different?

Me: Well…since you know when I’m not honest…I guess I just need to be completely honest here.

God: Sounds like a good plan.

Me: I guess I see no end to the drama…no end to the crises…no end to uneasiness. I crave peace.

God: I see. Literally. Your brother of long ago, Job, had similar thoughts. I promise you Heaven, since you belong to me…with no more tears, no more pain, and no more “drama” (as you like to call it). My Peace is already at your disposal. Just ask me for it, and I give it freely. But, you have to want it. Do you prefer to settle into this misery mindset, or will you trust Me…truly trust Me? Just remember…your vantage point is narrow and a bit cloudy. You can only see a small fragment of my plans for you. But, I ask you to look at life through the vantage point of faith, and trust Me completely until that faith becomes sight.

Me: I know, Lord. I’m sorry I keep failing You.

God: That’s just it. You’re not failing Me. With each truthful admission of the things you are struggling with, you are drawing closer to Me. You know where your Strength comes from…you know where to find Hope…you know My track record has been proven over and over. I think you just need a little stroking, a little nudge, and little reminder that I’m still here and that I still care, even if my plans don’t always make sense. Daughter, I love you with an unending love. I delight in you. Trust Me with this. I have it all under control.

And, with that, I smile again. 🙂

The heart of man plans his ways, but the LORD establishes his steps. ~Proverbs 16:9, ESV

Time to fess up.

I’ve been in hiding. OK – well, maybe not in the literal sense, but in the blog world sense of the word. No, you’ve not missed anything, because I simply haven’t been here. No Makeover Monday posts, no Whimsical Wednesdays, and definitely no Freedom Fridays. That’s not to say that I haven’t experienced any of those things…I honestly just haven’t felt like writing about it (or better yet…on the day that I’ve assigned myself to write about it). There…the truth is out.

I recently read a post from another blogger that I routinely follow, and she literally took the words right out of my mouth. Click HERE to read her brief post and then come back and I’ll share a bit more.

Woohoo! Preach it sista! That’s exactly how I’ve been feeling.

When I began blogging over five years ago, it was for me. I never even knew if anyone else would ever even read my simple musings. Shockingly, a few of you did. My handful of readers developed into a few handfuls, and then it happened. I got “swept up into” the whole blog phenomenon of giveaways, statistical following, ads vs. no ads, comment counting, followers, and the list is endless. It no longer was a hobby. It became a chore.

However, it also became a place of refuge. When my husband died a few years ago, my blog became my journal, of sorts. It also became a gathering place, and I received enormous love and support through this medium. I never would have met many of you had it not been for this blog world. And…I’m extremely grateful for that.

But, then life changed again. God rescued me from despair and eventually restored my life, and soon thereafter…I met and married Joel! What sweet times God has given me through being this precious man’s wife.

In doing so, however, my widow connections have changed. On the one hand, there are several of you that I still converse with regularly…some are still widowed (and we’ll forever share that bond – married or not), some are newly married as well, and some of you…well, you’re probably not even reading this, because you dropped me like a bag of flour as soon as my life didn’t line up with yours anymore. That’s okay. As I’ve learned on more than one occasion, our lives are constantly changing, and I now welcome each season and all of the blessings (and not-so-blessed times) that go with it.

So, where does that leave the ole blog? I’m going back to the beginning. While I earnestly want to connect with as many of you as I can, I’m not allowing myself to be driven by statistics anymore. This blog is for God’s glory and for my joy. He has rescued me from deep waters, indeed. But, whether I’m writing about grief experiences, craft projects I’m working on, my weight loss journey, the joys of marriage, coupon tips and tricks, photography, dreams and goals, or a whole bunch of nothin’…it’s ALL for God’s glory. I would not be where I am today, had He not poured out His grace and mercy upon me in immeasurable ways.

So, as my new blog friend over at Maple and Magnolia so brilliantly put it…”I’m blogging how I want to blog, Jack!”

I’d love to have you continue to join me here as you’re able. I will continue to share weight loss updates but it may not be just on Mondays or Wednesdays or any other consistent day of the week. I’ll continue to introduce a giveaway every now and then, but it may not just be in January around birthday time. I’ll continue to share about my journey while on Grief Road (as God leads), but I’m also going to work on categorizing my older posts so if you want to continue to direct other new widows to that part of my site, it will be easier to find.

Thanks for loving me in spite of me! I. Am. Blessed.

Change of Plans

A ‘Fession