I know the emotion of anger is a common one of grief. I probably experienced it more times than I can count the first time I became a widow.

I’ve encountered small bouts of it already in my 11 days on this grief journey. Yesterday, however, beat all. I felt I had “anger overload”. Everything set me off…the littlest of things caused me to short-fuse. I couldn’t point to one thing, in particular, that started this anger ball rolling…then again, YES I could…

MY HUSBAND JUST UNEXPECTEDLY DIED!!!

Friends, I’m trying so hard to be strong, especially for my children. And…just when I think I’m on top of everything, I fall apart and fail yet again. I thought it was hard to single parent one child through the paralyzing effects of grief (as I did the first time). This…this is entirely different. I have to be “on” all the time. I haven’t yet returned to work, but that will happen soon. Even so, my days are currently full with appointments and things related to Joel’s death. My evenings are full of being mommy to my littles, who are so desperate to figure out this “void” in our lives.

I am angry my children’s behavior has turned a bit south, and yet…I understand why.

I am angry I can’t seem to comfort them the way they need to be comforted right now.

I am angry I don’t have time to simply “sit and process” what has just taken place in our lives and think through the next steps, because I can’t stop “doing”.

I am very angry I’ve been asked to walk the road of widowhood TWICE in less than six years.

I am very angry our adopted children don’t have an earthly daddy anymore.

I am very angry our baby Austyn will likely not remember the amazing man who gave him his last name.

I am angry we just moved into this new home that was to be our forever home, and we still have boxes to unpack and never had the chance to make it OURS.

I am angry there are multiple unfinished projects all over this house.

I am angry I can’t seem to intellectually figure out what happened to Joel that led to him leaving us so soon.

I am angry that nothing brings me lasting joy right now.

I am angry my 3-year-old kicks and screams when being dropped off at preschool now, because he can’t trust mommy will come back. (And…while I say I will, the truth is…we never know when we’ll be called home.) I simply want to hold him, assure him, and comfort his broken heart.

Even within this extreme battle of anger I’m dealing with, I still have my faith. I still trust God’s plan is ALWAYS better. Always. I may not understand. I may be angry. Yet…He can see the big picture I can’t see. And…for that…I trust Him.

I also know He understands my anger and can handle it. Please pray for me/us! The pain remains excruciating.