Just like in 2011, May 3 is on a Tuesday this year. Upon that realization, I sighed.

It’s been five years ago today since my previous husband left his earthly home to go to his Heavenly home, a result of suicide. The anniversary of his death is always difficult for me. While I have “moved on” by most accounts, there are still certain triggers on a grief journey that pop up from time to time and cause a bit of an emotional cyclone. These last couple weeks have been that for me, and the culmination of those spiraling emotions is this very week.

In 2011…

Tuesday, May 3 – the last time I saw my husband I alive. The day he “disappeared” and ultimately took his life.

Wednesday, May 4 – the day his lifeless body was found.

Saturday, May 7 – the day we celebrated his life with friends and family.

Sunday, May 8 (also Mother’s Day) – the day we buried him, because the cemetery wouldn’t accommodate us on May 7.

God has beautifully restored my life and brought blessing upon blessing upon blessing…no doubt! My life looks nothing today like it did five years ago. I stand amazed at all God has done to bring beauty from ashes. And yet…I still get a bit of a yucky feeling on this week every year. I still feel a knot in my chest as flashbacks from those days creep into my mind all over again. I still wonder…will this ever end this side of eternity? Whether it does or doesn’t is really not the point. Yet…I still wonder.

And then…there’s my prince. God brought Joel into my life so unexpectedly and yet so beautifully and perfectly! Joel accepted me, accepted “my story”, accepted my daughter as one of his own and lovingly supports me through those rare, but still there, emotionally difficult days. I can’t imagine what it must feel like to him. He is an absolute gem and a delight to my soul, and I’m SO VERY THANKFUL God blessed me with him!

My life looks so different now than it did five years ago. I was a grieving, single mother of one beautiful daughter. Now, I’m a joy-filled (still grieving, on occasion) blessed wife to my prince and mother/step-mother to NINE and Grandma Leah to two adorable munchkins! Only God could do that. Only God restores life like that. And…to Him be ALL the glory!

The days will soften soon. The momentary sadness will pass. Joy still exists even among brief episodes of pain. God is still restoring, and I am immensely thankful for this life He’s given me.

He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Psalm 23:3 (ESV)