I’ve been a bit silent on here lately. Other than starting my new class schedule (which is a bit rigorous), I don’t really have a good reason. I’ve just been in a funk. Mainly because…I know it’s coming. Another monumental FIRST! Friday (tomorrow) would have been our fifth wedding anniversary. I knew it was coming, but the knowledge of it collided with me head-on today.
THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!!! THIS IS JUST NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!
I’m simply struggling with words today. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I just want to skip right over it. And yet…I still plan to “visit” him at the cemetery and probably shed a bucketful of tears while there.
If I can be perfectly transparent (what’s stopping me now, right?)…I feel short-changed. I know I am blessed to have been loved as deeply as Joel loved me. I know some men and women never have that opportunity even once in a lifetime, so I should be thankful I had it in my marriage to Joel and in my marriage to Chris. In both scenarios, however, I feel I’ve been so rigidly short-changed.
I just keep saying THIS IS NOT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!! I ache for you, Joel. I miss you terribly. I can’t believe we’re not celebrating this day together as we planned. As you walk with Jesus today, please ask Him to be ever near (not that He needs that reminder). It makes me feel good knowing you’re walking with Our Savior every day. Oh, how I long for that day! It’s coming soon…I know!
These scattered ashes that I hid away
I lay them all at Your feet
The empty places where I’ve worn Your name
Show me the love I say I believe
Oh Lord, I lay it down”
#HeIsStillGood