The 5th anniversary of my late husband’s suicide is coming up in a few weeks. I honestly can’t believe it’s already been five years, and yet…in other ways…it feels like it was a lifetime ago. I have an exciting announcement to make around “the anniversary”, so keep watching in early May! In the meantime, I’ve been re-reading some of my posts from that first year of grief, and this one stood out to me. Maybe because I need to be reminded by my own words. Or…maybe someone else needs to read this today. In any regard, I felt compelled to share once again.
I know we often can’t see God’s beautiful (and perfect) plans unfold so easily in our lives. Just yesterday, my heart was aching heavily for a couple of friends going through some really difficult times right now. The trials they are being asked to endure don’t make sense when viewed through the earthly lens we often use when gazing at life. A word I can easily associate with their difficulties…unfair! And YET…
God never promised life would be fair. He never promised it would be delivered to us on a silver platter or we’d walk the glory road until we reach glory itself. He never promised our days will be filled with material blessing or the trials we do endure will be swift. He never promised we wouldn’t experience a broken heart or be disappointed by broken people.
Right now…I personally know someone…
–Fighting breast cancer
–Praying for a spouse after a lifetime of singleness
–Waiting on God for the sale of a home on the market for four years
–Seeking custody of a child who has endured much hardship
–Waiting on a call for their forever child through adoption
–Praying for conception even though doctors are speaking infertility
–Ready to walk out on a position they’ve been called to do, because the enemy tells them they can’t do it
–Fighting to keep the job they have
–Aching for a spouse who went to Heaven late last year
–Waiting with great expectation for a YES answer to a position they applied for months ago and are still in the running for
–Who lost everything in a house fire four months ago
–Questioning whether or not Christ could ever love them enough to accept them into His family
–Grieving the loss of a parent a few short weeks ago
–Grieving the loss of a child to cancer earlier this year
–Watching their special needs adopted child endure many medical procedures this week
–Waiting on God to provide funding resources for a new non-profit organization started in faith
–Praying for a prodigal child
These are tough, tough things, friends. And…these are tough things for my praying heart to endure. So many times I’ve prayed God would allow me to see hurting and broken people through His eyes so my prayers might be more personal and often more gutteral. He’s done that many times, and I ache all the more.
But, even though these aren’t the things in life we’ve asked for, prayed for, expected, or even wanted…”in all things, God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose”! (Romans 8:28) This is not just some biblical cliche…this is TRUTH spoken by a God (THE God) who cannot lie (Hebrews 6:18).
I choose to believe – even through my husband’s suicide – God is working for my good, because…I love Him, and I have been called according to His purpose. And while I may not be able to see with my physical eyes all the plans God has for me to work this for my good…I see with my eyes of faith. And, one day…my faith WILL be my sight!