grief Archives - Leah Stirewalt

Crickets… Yes, I admit I kind of left the blog in a virtual cricket chirping world. The last time I checked in with this little oasis, it was February. The third anniversary of Joel’s Homegoing, and a month before all chaos broke loose in the world with the “C-virus”. Shhhh… I’m afraid to say it out loud for fear of giving it even more power.

OK…in all seriousness. Life looks drastically different than it did 6 months ago. For me, six months ago represented a new normal. It was the beginning of my 4th year of being widowed (for the second time). My four youngest kiddos were in the third quarter of their school year, and life was pretty crazy…but normal, as we knew it. But then…

Covid-19 arrived on the scene, and everything that once seemed “normal” went out the window. Thankfully, I’m always toilet paper loaded with my crew, so I didn’t contribute to that crisis. And…I’m doubly thankful we had a freezer full of meat (even if it was mostly sausage and fish donated to us), because I knew we wouldn’t starve. But, what I didn’t anticipate was being “on duty” as mom 24/7 with my four adopted kiddos (all with various levels of special needs).

We’re together a lot y’all, but I didn’t realize how much I valued their time at school. As a self-employed freelancer, I work from home normally (not just during a pandemic). When my children arrived on the scene and needed to do virtual school, I found my work started taking place in the middle of the night. Not healthy for me, but I had no choice. As a result, we’ve all been surviving the last 6 months, but I wouldn’t say we’ve been thriving. Normally, I would have been better prepared for summer (with various camp activities, etc.), however stupid Covid-19 messed that up too.

And…so, here I am…on what would have been my 8th wedding anniversary with Joel. I honestly haven’t even had time to dwell on that or process it, but when August 25 rolled around, I knew what that meant. I have such precious memories of that day in 2012.

I also laugh when I think we deliberately flew into a hurricane/tropical storm in Miami for our cruise-based honeymoon and got stranded for 3 days. Those few days were rough, but I’d give anything to have them back now. In all honesty, I could basically say that about most days prior to March 2020.

Existing during this pandemic season and realizing life will probably never look as it did before has taught me several things:

Be thankful for what you have, as it could be stripped away at any moment.
Life could always be worse than it is right now.
Take nothing for granted, especially time.
This world is not my home.
I’m thankful to have the opportunity to spend eternity in Heaven.
Crisis will not test your faith, but it will expose it.

Oh…that last one has left me scratching my head a bit. As a matter of fact, I didn’t come up with that one; I heard it spoken by someone on the radio a couple weeks ago (or something to that effect), and it has really done a number on me.

As I think about all the various crises I’ve experienced in my lifetime, I have to also wonder what exactly was exposed about my faith during all the difficult times? Did I crawl up into Jesus’ lap and let Him guide me and carry me when I didn’t have the strength to it myself? Quite often. Did I bury myself into the truths of His Word rather than the lies the world speaks? I’d like to think I did more often than not. Or, did I take matters into my own hands and try to be my own doctor/fixer/helper? Sadly, I did that too during some seasons. But, I always come back to the same conclusion. My life is always better with Jesus.

Even the worst days of my life are better with Jesus. I can’t handle crisis in a healthy way on my own – I’m always stronger with Jesus. He leads me to make better decisions – always! Others may bail from my life, but He never does. Now, sometimes I neglect Him, but He never neglects me. But, He doesn’t force my hand in anything either. That’s one thing I love about my God. He wants us to love Him, but He doesn’t force us to (even though He has the full power to do so). That’s love friends!

So, on this, my 8th wedding anniversary with Joel, or what would have been my 8th…I celebrate the fact He’s waiting to be reunited with all of his loved ones in Heaven. As much as I want him back, I’d never wish him to leave that glorious place to spend even one more second on this pitiful earth. I celebrate the time we had together, albeit short. And, I continue preparing my heart and the hearts of my children to long even more than we already do for our eternal Home! Thank you Abba for that precious gift!

Seven days. One week. On this day, three years ago, my husband had one week left to live. And, we had no idea.

We were in the throes of parenting our four newly adopted children. We had just moved to a new town four months prior. We were literally still unpacking. We had new house projects still needing to be done. I was now the one commuting an hour to/from work each day (as we moved closer to my husband’s work). Life was very busy…but good.

Would we have done anything differently if we had known how drastically life was about to change in one week? Probably so. I imagine we both would have taken the week off from work to have time to simply be together. More than likely, we would have taken a small family fun trip somewhere nearby. We would have eaten whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted…not worrying about counting calories or carbs. We would have spoken kinder words, not “sweated” the small stuff, allowed the kiddos to stay up later some of those nights, and simply put…we would have attempted to cherish each other for every second of those final days.

However, we didn’t have that opportunity. Or did we?

We always have the opportunity to cherish those we love most. Why does it take a tragedy, a grim diagnosis, or a life altering event to thrust us off our tushes and on to loving more deeply and completely? No…we can’t always take off days from work and go on getaways with our family. We can’t let our children stay up late every night. But, there are things we can do that express love more completely, allowing us to live life more fully.

Study your spouse or significant other. What makes him or her tick? What makes them smile? What do they love, and what do they hate? What can you do today to express that they truly matter to you, that speaks to the fact you intimately know them (or are at least trying to know them)?
What makes your son or daughter giggle? What do they most want from you? My guess is time. They simply want you to be present with them…playing a game, working a puzzle, etc.
Send flowers to a friend…just because.
Write an actual letter or mail a card…not the electronic version.
Use words to elevate a friend or loved one, especially one for whom “words of affirmation” are their love language.
Remember their “special days”. This may not always be obvious days – like a birthday or anniversary – but, what about the day their father or mother went to Heaven (knowing they might need a little extra dose of love on those death anniversaries), what about their kiddos’ birthdays, how about the day they began a life of sobriety, or what about the day they gave their life to Christ? I know you might be thinking, “I can’t even remember my own anniversary, let alone all these other dates.” It might take a little effort, but if you truly love someone and want to express that love more tangibly, you’ll find a way. Learn the dates and record them on a calendar (paper or digital or both). That’s all it takes.
Surprise your spouse with a weekend getaway or a romantic dinner out at a favorite restaurant.
Make your child’s favorite meal…just because.
Bake Christmas cookies in the middle of the summer and share them with loved ones, neighbors, your mail carrier, etc.
Practice doing random acts of kindness. For ideas, check out this post I wrote when I did this leading up to my 40th birthday.

These are just a few ideas, and there is certainly an infinite list we can pull from, but you get the idea. If you truly cherish someone…show that now, in the land of the living…before it’s too late. You never know when you’re living your last seven days. You never know when your spouse has one week left to live. Don’t wait. Live each day and treat each person as if this might be your/their last day on this earth. Can you imagine how much more love is expressed just by simply practicing this more often?

Have you heard the crickets chirping?

One Week Left to Live