grief Archives - Page 29 of 41

This date is important to me for two very distinct reasons…one painful and one beautiful.

First, the painful…March 12, 2017 marks the one-month anniversary of Joel’s home going to Heaven. The day we had to say goodbye to his beautiful face and fun-loving personality. The day we had to forever stop hearing his corny jokes and quick-witted comments about some of the craziest things of life. The first day I would never hear him say, “I love you!” again. The day he entered the land of glory…our eternal home. The day I felt my heart would stop beating over the sheer devastation of losing the man I love so much. One month. I can’t believe he’s already been gone for one. whole. month.

Now, the beautiful…today also marks another anniversary. On this day, five years ago, I met my precious Joel for the first time. Little did I know then how drastically my life was about to change, for the better. I finally felt I reached a place of complete healing from losing my previous husband from suicide. I was at a place where I was actually able to counsel other women out of my own grief experience, and I couldn’t be more content in life. Little did I realize God had big plans still in store for me, and it would begin with the handsome man who was about to walk into my life in a grand way and unexpectedly sweep me off my feet! Five years ago…God had just finished putting together the last piece of my shattered heart. I was now whole again. And…in walks the handsome and amazing Joel Dean Stirewalt. My life was once again forever changed.

Friends…I find myself still in the “hour by hour” grieving mode. I haven’t yet reached day-to-day status. Currently, I’ll have some good hours followed by some bad ones. I don’t think I’ve had an entirely “good” day yet, but I’m working on it and anxiously waiting for it.

The emotional pain is still quite searing, Sometimes it actually manifests into physical pain…headache, nausea, etc. It’s amazing how deep the grief toll takes on a body. I often get discouraged at how “slow” this grieving process seems to take, but then I have to remind myself…it’s only been a month! ONLY 1 MONTH!

Having been twice widowed in less than six years, sadly I’ve learned a thing a or two about the grief process. It never looks the same from one person to the next or from one situation to the next. There is no pattern or checkbox. Frustrating? Yes. But, trying to rush through it can have devastating effects, and there is no need to rush. As much as I desire to feel whole again and to not hurt so badly all the time, I truly want God to complete His work in me through this tragedy. Yes…truly, I do.

As I take this quick look back at March 12, and all that it has meant in my life, I pause and ready myself for my future of “March 12s”. There will continue to be anniversaries, reminders of what once was and what will never be again. As much as I’m able, I choose to make those days of honor rather than days of regret. The tears will still fall, but I long for those tears to, over time, be filled with joy rather than sadness.

Abba – thank you for giving me Joel…even if only for a short time. He forever changed me, and the memories bring so many smiles (even accompanied by tears).

I won’t lie. Every. Single. Day. Since Joel went home to Heaven has been, at minimum, difficult. Some days feel unbearably hard. Without the support of so many people, I honestly don’t know how we would have made it this far. Then came last night…

I thought I would see Jesus last night. I thought my heart was literally going to crush under the heavy load of the burden I was asked to bear for most of the evening. My baby was emotionally hurting. Deeply hurting, and all the hurt was being directed at me. It lasted so long, and was so all-encompassing, I had no choice but to sit on the floor and hold him to keep him safe until his brain would allow his body to calm down. I asked Josiah to video-tape some of it, because nobody would believe this sweet, precious, charming little guy could be so explosive, and I need someone to believe me as I seek to get him the right kind of help.

I continued to hold him, soothe him, rock him, sing to him, pray over him, talk to him…and finally…he broke. He was a sweaty mess and started crying out, “I’m sorry mommy! I’m sorry mommy!”

We were both sobbing. He was so broken. I was so spent. We just held each other and cried more.

Finally, when he was back to his “normal” toddler self, able to play with his siblings, I went into my bedroom and wailed. I could no longer control the emotion I had been trying so hard to control while he had his meltdown. I wailed so loud…it reminded me of my reaction after learning my Joel wasn’t going to make it. That same type of reaction. My kids ran into my bedroom.

Katerina, the compassionate one, immediately started rubbing my back.

Josiah, the leader, started giving instructions to his siblings.

Benjamin, the inquisitive one, started asking me over and over what was wrong.

Austyn, my sympathizer and empathizer, started crying along with me.

And…it started all over again. This time, he consoled me. He sat in my lap, and we cried together.

I prayed through tears!

Abba, you promise to be the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless! We need to know you in both those roles right now. You are the same, yesterday, today, and forever. You are a God that cannot lie! We trust you! Bring us Your peace.

Eventually, we all left my bedroom. Josiah cleaned up from dinner. I honestly don’t remember even eating. Katerina followed every single direction given to her (a miracle, in and of itself). Benjamin was calm most of the evening (another miracle), and my Austyn fell asleep in my arms. After placing him in his bed, he slept all night and woke up a very happy little boy this morning!

Last night was just one night. I am seeking help for all my children and for myself. This isn’t my first rodeo with losing a spouse, unfortunately, but this is the first time I’ve had young children to care for at the same time, so we all have so much to learn. And…praying friends…we need SO much prayer! Just pray as God directs please.

For those precious souls continuing to ask how you can help in tangible ways, I’ve put up a list on the website. You can find it here. I’ll update it as needs change. Thank you for being His hands and feet to our family! I am simply humbled and blown away by how loved we are right now!